December 2018- Not Giving Up

And I’m not giving up, despite my last woeful post. I’m just trying to gain some perspective. Taking time out to refocus on the task ahead of me and how best to tackle it. And to help me do that, I’ve been reading some writing books and other novels to gain insight and spark that love for my story again. There was a need for a different type of motivation to help me get to where I need to be and overcome my fear. I can’t and I won’t give up, I’ve worked too long on this and invested so much and the the most important point of all, I still want to tell this story. And so the last few weeks I’ve given myself the time to think and really see my story, making notes of how I will outline, all without looking at the large saved document that is my WIP, which is just too confusing too look at, the pressure too much. Once I have a completely clear idea in my head and noted down, only then will I look back at my first draft and begin to see what fits and where and what still needs to be done. So I’m taking a small step back until it all becomes clearer to me, it is the only way I can then be able to move forwards again.

I received two writing books for Christmas from my ever thoughtful and understanding sister, she knows me so well, and they are much needed right now as I pick up from where I left off before the festive break and attempt to start the new year as I mean to go on, in a better place. As I read either, fiction or indeed non-fiction, I’m thinking and seeing how I need my writing and story to go, slowly moving forwards and feeling much better about things. Notes and scribbled thoughts as I go, all helping me along the way.  To some, it might seem a convoluted route to the end, but I really feel that it’s lifting me out of the hole that I put myself in, so that can only be a good thing as far as I’m concerned, and we all have our own funny little ways of dealing with situations. I’ve done things all the wrong way round with this novel, but I’ve learnt my lesson, albeit the hard way, but I know now what to do for the next time. And I have so many other ideas just waiting to be explored, that I’m planning on there being a next time, but I have to finish this one first. I’ve looked back on my year and what I’ve achieved and I can’t complain, even if I feel like I’m repeating myself a little, so my main goal for 2018 was to finish my first draft, and I may not have achieved that just yet, but it was a big ask. But I am closer, I know and feel that. I’ve come a long way in some respects, but there is still a way to go and I’m determined to get there.

As I submitted my final column of 2018 (actually being published on 1 Jan 2019, ironically!) I did wonder if the time had come to finish contributing, wondering if I had any more to say after 4 years and around 40 submissions. But then I thought about it more. It  is a way of me having an opinion, of others reading what I have to say. And although it’s unpaid, all writers have to start somewhere. So with that in mind, I’ve decided to try and list 12 different ideas that I could write about and submit as and when it is relevant. Not only would that take the pressure off a little (with only two regular contributors, I submit nearly every month) but I’m hoping it will highlight, mainly to myself, that I do still have something to say. I’m also planning a story story for a competition that closes in February, which not only is a way of exploring other ideas, but I hope will be a way of helping me to bring back my love of writing. Plus this blog too, a good way of ordering my jumbled thoughts and worries. So with all that in mind, I’m making a promise to myself as  I plan to start the new year with fresh eyes and being able to see a way forward with my writing.

November 2018- Drowning

I’m crying as I write this, just feeling so overwhelmed by it all.  It’s not a good place to be and yet I keep ending up here, hating my writing, the world. everything. And once I’m in that mind-set, I find it extremely hard to get out of.  Everything is a negative thought, hard to pinpoint even one small happy thing amongst it all. Today was not a good day, with anything. I got scared and ran away, the fear got too much and I didn’t even want to try .The smallest of things was just too difficult to do, to concentrate on and I gave up. I’m good at doing that. I can’t get my head around something, become impatient when I feel I can’t do it and instead of trying to keep going, I stop and bury my head in the sand. There have been small glimmers this month, but they are forgotten for a moment as I dwell on the place I’m in now. And maybe that’s a good thing in a way? I’m using words to try and explain my emotions, in the hope that it might make me feel better and take me to a happier place. Anything is better than this.

It sounds so over dramatic I know. So what if you can’t do it, just do something else, who cares? You become your own worst enemy. But I do care and that is why I feel like this.  I’ve reached a point recently where I’m beginning to wonder why I’m even trying to write this novel. It’s just too big a challenge, I can’t overcome it and I’m not sure why I even bother. It’s all taking too long and because I didn’t get things right at the start, I’ve only made it worse for myself.

As I started to read through my first and very messy draft, it became glaringly obvious. It was a daunting and mammoth task, of my own doing, and I realised that I had an awful lot of words that won’t become the final story. Was it just a huge waste of time, all that toiling and scribbling? I’m beginning to wonder. It was hard to stomach as I scanned over the first 100 or so pages of type face knowing deep down that most of it won’t be used and wondering where my story really begins. It’s a huge learning curve and I’m firmly stuck at the bottom, not able to get out, drowning in what I thought I wanted to say.

All novels manifest themselves as you work on them, I get that and I can see that’s what’s happened the longer that this story has taken. It’s evolved so much since I began that I don’t recognise some of it. Even as I read over and attempt to jot down events and where I see them now, a good thing, I still doubt myself and that I will ever finish it. But if I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t get so upset. I know what I need to do, it’s finding the courage to do it.  And that’s the part I’m struggling with. I feel I’m not good enough, as I follow my peers and see them doing well, and I’m cheering them on, but also jealous as I feel left behind. It’s one of my worst character traits, my impatience and that of constantly comparing myself to others. It’s a vicious circle that is a constant struggle to try and break out of.

There are small windows where I have a good day, some weeks, months are better than others. For me, this has not been one of my best. Okay so I’ve finally caught up with myself, but it only leaves me with more words to wade through, and a frustration that I haven’t put pen to paper for a while, not really. Does that count as writing? I keep telling myself that it does, that as I type I’m thinking, discovering new words as I build on scenes, ones that maybe I had forgotten about. And it is a good feeling, as the story unfurls at my fingertips, not from the pen, as it’s not a way of writing that I am used to. There have been scribbles, ideas and longer parts too, but then I have realised as I work on a scene that the way it is written doesn’t work for my story, is not my voice. I’m getting carried away with something that is not me, not what I want to write. But at least I have realised that, and am trying to put it right.

I’m constantly inspired by other writers, in different ways. A tweet that has so few characters but yet says so much, or an article that tells me I’m not alone. I just need to keep those moments of clarity from when I read or hear those words and bring them to mind for times such as these. I’ve been lucky enough to attend two literary events in the last couple of weeks, in fact two consecutive days. Both were very different writers, both inspiring me in different ways.  But one thing that stands out from all of the writers that I’ve met, chatted to or just followed online, is that they didn’t give up, even when things were bleak. So I may be in a bad place creatively at the moment, but hopefully if I just keep showing up, I’ll come out the other side. Slow progress is better than no progress after all.

October 2018- Tried and Tested..

First day of the month and I wanted to start as I meant to go on, as I usually do. To be met with… not a lot. At first I got frustrated, stared out of the window, messed about on social media. But that only made me feel worse. So I gave up on what I was trying to do, the part I was attempting to work on and tried something else. And do you know what, it worked. Words appeared on paper and  I was lost in my story for a short while. I proved to myself that even on a bad day, there can be a way to turn it around. I just need to tell my head that. It doesn’t always work, but I sure am grateful when it does.

I’m the boss of my ambition, me. I’m the only one who can change my mind set, get those words on the page. This story won’t get told if I don’t take the opportunity to tell it. Thankfully the rest of the month hasn’t been a repeat of day one. Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve managed to type up another 17,083 words and  am finally catching up with myself as I reach my current notebook. The feeling to have that many words (currently standing at around the 168,000 mark) in one place and know that there are more to come is both immense and scary. When I first started writing this story I hadn’t really considered, not seriously, where it would take me and how much I would learn both about myself and my writing. And although I know it’s going to be a mammoth task, I’m looking forward  to piecing everything together. It’s a job I should have done at the start, a long time ago, but I at least know that for next time! I have the planning notebook ready so I just need the work as it is, a good pen and some post its and I can make a start. There will still be more to do, I know that already, but I need to see it in full before I can do any more, or either I will get lost or this story will never end! So that will definitely be my next job (I know I’ve said it before, but I’m more determined this time). Planning, what needs working on and just how I’m going to sort all my rambled mess into something resembling coherence.

As I said before, my lunch break is my dedicated time to write but more  often than not I’m finding it’s just not long enough. I feel  like I’m just getting started and  then have to stop again, go back to the office when I could happily spend the rest of the afternoon in that spot building my story and adding more words to the page. But as I focus back on work, the rush of inspiration has gone, so by the time I get home, the words are no longer there. It’s not always the case, but most of the time it happens that way. It can be quite frustrating, but I need to accept the time I have and just do the best I can. Life does and will get in the way! I’m escaping into my world as I scribble or type. I am there, at the kitchen table, on the beach, seeing everything and hearing as my characters do. It’s a special feeling when it happens and one I’d very much like to hang on to for as long as I can.

There are always new columns to write and currently I also have a short story that I’m think about for a competition, plus the weekly QuickFic prompts have made a comeback on a Friday which has been fun to take part in. It’s about keeping things fresh and the chance to explore other ideas, which is never a bad thing, just as long as it’s not at the expense of the work in progress and I’m very conscious of that, of not forgetting that it is always there until that elusive ‘first’ draft is done at least.

On a slightly different note, I’m hoping to arrange a writing weekend with some fellow writers from the retreat that I took part in last year (can’t believe it’s been that long already!) It will be an ideal chance to be around like minded people and share ideas and thoughts, as well as having the specific space to actually write when nothing else is distracting me. I have my sister of course, and would be lost without her support, but it’s always nice to carve out a longer chunk of time with others and see things differently, outside of your own little bubble. It will be lovely, so I just hope we can get something in the diary!

And so as the month draws to a close, I’m feeling happy as new words appear on the page.  There hasn’t been much of that recently as the focus has been on catching up, but the few times I have decided to put pen to paper have been fruitful and it feels especially good when it happens outside of my planned time as it did just yesterday. It just goes to show that you have to go with it when you can before your mind explodes with all the thoughts whirring round inside. Not a bad place to be in right now.

September 2018- New Term, new words

Sometimes I wonder if I've run out of things to say here, but as I type I find things come to mind and I always seem to end up with a good amount of words. And I suppose as my journey is still far from over, there will always be something to tell, to share.

And so it is with my writing generally. I started the month as I meant to go on, typing up my novel in an attempt to catch up with myself. And a worthwhile task too in that rereading parts that I’d somehow forgotten about and liking what I’ve done which in itself was a good confidence boost, as well as making sure I didn’t re write parts I’ve already done! Lunch breaks during the week are my allocated time to dedicate to my writing and I stick to this as much as I can. But I’ve also been trying to find time at the weekends too to write, as it often gets left, or at the bottom of a long list of jobs. But I’m trying very hard not to beat myself up when it doesn’t happen, sometimes the time runs away, the other jobs mount up, just life really.

But saying that, it has been a good month overall. I pick up my pencil and continue writing from where I’ve left off, whilst thinking of new ideas, parts to work on as I do so. Another notebook finished and as much as I want to keep scribbling, I know I have to focus on typing for a number of weeks in a bid to see where I am and not get lost in it all. There is a limit to how many notebooks I can carry too on a daily basis, three seems a little excessive! And I’m glad that I kept to my little goal, the notebook is finished and I’ve made a start on the one previous to the one that I’m currently writing in, so it’s still a work in progress!

The latest word count (typed)is 14475 for the month, totally around 147000 on my first draft, with still more to go. Far too long I know, but as I scribble and type, the ideas are fully forming in front of me on the page, and I can always edit later. I feel in some ways that I’ve begun my story again without realising, as I keep building on my ideas and I can see it all there. There will be a lot of editing whenever I do get to the end, I know that and I’m prepared for it. My only worry if you like is when do you stop? That’s what I’m struggling with and when I can feel most lost, like I will never get there. But I try to keep having faith and moving forwards. It’s all I can do.

August 2018- Ready, Steady and….

Two weeks away and a much needed break, but bar a few scribbles, no real writing done. And that’s probably what I expected to be honest, how ever good the intentions are. But then its just so much harder to pick the work in progress back up again, especially when I was struggling a bit before I went away. I was beginning to doubt my capabilities and whether I would ever get this draft finished. I’ve been working on this story for so long and I still want it to be told, but that is not necessarily communicating to the page. But I also don’t want to give up or put it away for the fear that I will never finish it otherwise. It’s a vicious circle that I keep getting myself into. The motivation is there (most of the time) to want to write but the words are not presenting themselves. But each day can only improve right? In order to get myself going, I worked on some column ideas and this blog and ended up with quite a few scribbled ideas and things to work on for my novel before bed so not a bad end to the day when I struggled to even start. I just need to take each day as it comes and stop piling on the pressure.

And it has worked!! For how long, as usual, remains to be seen, but it’s a good start at least. I gave myself some thinking time, to get my head in the right place, and by doing that as well as reading back over what I’d already written, it gave me the boost I needed and most days since I’ve managed a good chunk of writing, whether that be continuing from where I left off the day before or starting another new section, I have been moving forwards. It has also given me the chance to rediscover some of my characters as I try and bring them more to life and weave in their stories. I certainly have lots of points to be working on! And I’ve done some typing too, trying to catch myself up a bit, although still a notebook to go! But that too has been beneficial as it sparked lots of unexpected scribbles as well as more before the end of the day, so a huge positive!

Unscrambling my jumbled thoughts and ideas, a hard task at the best of times but this time  the results were positive for  my novel as well as  clearing my mind a little, too many ideas to hold in one place, that can come at any time. Some, I have no idea where they will go, and may be just a sentence or paragraph, but don’t want to lose anything as you never know when you may need it. And as before, it realy helped. I was able to continue working on my novel, building on ideas that I’d already started thinking about as well as building the story to link with what I’d already done, filling some of the gaps as I go. I had one particular week this month where I was writing something new each day and I’m excited to see where the words take me. But just as valuable is that thinking time, when I sometimes feel I haven’t achieved much, although it may not be words on the page, I’m stil trying to see my story in my head. And that goes for research too. I have a whole document of things that I want to look into in more detail so that I can ensure everything is right, and I will come back to that at some point, but sometimes you need to do just a little bit of digging to get the words out. During my thinking time, I’ve also noted why it is that I want to tell this story and the particular things such as events that inspired me, as well as my structure and the gaps I still have to fill, all useful in their own way, and something to refer back to when I’m having not such a good day. On those days, I may write something and hate it, but I have to remind myself that a little something is better than nothing even if I’m stuck for  words and struggling with trying to get across what it is I want to say. And looking back over my log for the month, I can see that I’ve had a more productive few weeks than I did in July, with more of a routine back in place and feeling better with what I’ve achieved.

It’s funny but I can’t pinpoint the moment that I wanted to write. I’ve always loved reading, but it was only a few years ago that I started really thinking about writing. My twin sister is a writer too and she started long before me. I was almost jealous of what she could do. And so I copied her. I wanted to experience what she had. I don’t think that’s the real reason I started though, not really, that just sounds selfish, childish almost. But perhaps I just needed her to show me what it was about and for that I’ll always be grateful. For now I couldn’t imagine my life without writing. Sounds a bit soppy, over-dramatic if you like, especially when my first novel, the first full draft is still not finished. But I’ve learnt so much about myself since I began to write and I hope that journey can only continue. WHY?? Do I write, or do this blog? Maybe it’s the wrong questions, maybe I should be asking am I happy? And the answer would be yes (most of the time). I write because I have to, I want to share my stories, even if I do get a little frustrated sometimes. And as for this blog, its my way of telling myself my journey and that its okay. On the days where I’m struggling with what I want to say, or how I want to say it, or after a few days off, I can get frustrated, but there is always tomorrow.

Something I’ve learnt about myself recently is that I seem to becoming more of a coffee shop writer, using the world around me to inspire thoughts and spur me on. It wasn’t always the case, I thought I worked better with quiet, but more so now I feel that I write more, better with some background noise and the feeling of others around me, although as long as it is not too noisy or distracting! Natural light is good too, if I can get a window seat. Funny really that even now, I’m still learning and winding what works best for me. And I can honestly say that having too much time doesn’t, not at the moment anyway!

So as I near the end of another notebook and still have so much I want and need to say, discovering my other characters a little more and building my second main character around my first, I feel that I’m finally beginning to see this novel as a whole. But I do worry that it is never going to end. Ten notebooks full of scribbles, ideas, notes, and I can only continue to write more as I seek out number 11 and the excitement of a fresh new page beckons, of continuing my story. But maybe I’m just worrying too much. Maybe most writers just have a couple of notebooks per novel, of notes and plans, and the rest is discovered as they type. But my way works for me right now, and I still have so much to learn. Besides that’s what editing is for right, scaling down? And I will get there!

‘You’re not lost, you’re just finding your own way.’

July 2018- Feeling Stuck...

The first day in a while that I found the time and space to write and I was scared. It was exactly as I’d hoped it wouldn’t be, a struggle. Trying to carry on from where I left off, and sitting in the sunshine , all good apart from except the inability to put anything apart from a few sentences to paper. Have I left it too long? Will my story come back to me? I really hope so. And despite writing more than I expected that day, that feeling that it’s rubbish doesn’t leave, making it all feel like a waste of time. I’m sure its not and I will feel differently when I’m in a better frame of mind and re-read it. The frustrations of writing! I wonder if they ever leave you, probably not. I know what I need to be working on but I’ve been struggling a bit to write, my head is too jumbled and full, and I’m hoping that a holiday will give e the chance I need to revitalise both my writing and refocus at work, but we shall see. ( As I write this, I’m a few days late and already back from hols, but will save an update until the end of August…)

Although it feels like I’ve been writing this story for a long time, it’s only now that I’m starting to feel it all weaving together and be the story that I want to tell. Okay, so it’s changed a lot since I began those few years ago, but its only now that’s it’s starting to make sense, to fit, and I’m excited to bring it all together. I can’t pinpoint when it shifted as such, but maybe the ever so slightly small step back recently was a good thing. We shall see!

Looking back on my log, its comforting to see that, as always, I’ve actually achieved more than I think, and it does make the darker days a little easier to bear, as long as I keep reminding myself of the fact. And actually I’ve managed to scribble quite a reasonable amount, building my characters stories and learning more about them as I put pen to paper. And I’ve managed some typing too, so each time things are moving forwards. Thinking time counts too, the chance to really immerse yourself in your characters, setting and the stories that surround them. I don’t know what the holiday will bring, maybe the odd scribble. But I’m not expecting much, I’m going on holiday at the end of the day. But it will be an opportunity to relax and think, read and then see what happens. 

And there have been other bits of writing done too. Scribbles for other story ideas. My mind becomes a jumble of ideas, inspired by the people around me as I try to write. It’s certainly interesting when these ideas and thoughts pop up just from people you look at or something you hear. And who knows where those thoughts will take me, I look forward to finding out at some point! And columns still need to be written, so other ideas need to be explored, and submitted. That’s the thing. I may get annoyed and frustrated when my work in progress isn’t going the way I want it to or at all in some cases. But all writing is good and useful, whatever it may be.

‘Writing is about claiming ownership of yourself in order to become the person you know you can be...A novel is making your mark on the world’

June 2018- Ups and Downs

Why? That’s the question I ask myself each month when I sit down to write this blog. Why I feel the need to jot things down and share them with anyone who wants read it. I still can’t really answer that question. I suppose I just find it a place to see and think, to record my rambling thoughts, documenting my journey. It’s important to me, if no one else, even if I sometimes have to push myself to do it. And anyway, why does anyone blog for that matter?

So to this month, and as my title suggests, it’s certainly been up and down. As much as I keep telling myself that there’s always tomorrow, I can’t help getting upset and frustrated when nothing comes or what does, I don’t like. It’s so frustrating. I used to think it was worse if I was having a bad day generally, that’s what makes it worse. A glorious day where I can take advantage of the sunshine, work is good that day and yet the empty page stares back at me. Is it better to force it and hate what you’ve done? I don’t know.. I can work well under pressure at work, why can’t I do the same be said for my writing? Am I set to fail even before I’ve begun? I sincerely hope not. Work has been very busy these last few weeks and I have missed some writing opportunities because of this. But it’s what pays the bills and I have still been trying to write just a few scribbles each day. The hardest part can be getting my head in the zone, and this has been a struggle recently. I just hope that the time away from doing something substantial isn’t a bad thing, and I can find that motivation I so need once again, but time will tell.

And just the smallest thing can pick you up. Sunshine in a café and a good chunk of new writing done, or an hour of typing. It makes me feel happier. Like I said work is busy, which I’m not complaining about as I like it that way, but headspace can sometimes be a little small or stretched. So its good to defy that, even just a little and for the odd day. And actually, looking back at my log I’ve done more than I thought. It’s so easy to forget. Lots of scribbles have been recorded for my novel, a column idea noted down, as well s some new story ideas that I can come back to when the time is right. And research too, with notes made, mostly before bed, but when is a good time?? Over  3600 words have been typed, and whilst that may not be as much as I have achieved in previous months, it has meant that I’m now on the last (but one) notebook, and I’ve only just started the new one, so getting there! Plus thinking time can be extremely valuable, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. So all in all, not to be sniffed at. Deeds not Words. Strong and inspiring words from inspiring women and for an important cause. But it can be put into practice for whatever you believe or stand for. Only you have the power to change what you want, by doing. And so that’s what I will continue to do.

A thought occurred to me the other day, and I feel the need to share it. I write, simply, about love. Finding love. I think it’s a theme running through all my story ideas, when you get down to the bones. And yet I haven’t  experienced it for myself, not really. And so can you write with the depth that a story needs if you don’t know? Despite what you may think, I believe that we all put a bit of ourselves into our words and how can we not? Our hopes and dreams, how we would like our lives to be. That’s what research is for isn’t it? We can’t possibly have experienced everything we put to paper. Don’t we all hope that our dreams will come true one day?  With that in mind, I will pick up my notebook as and when I am able, and see what happens. I have new books that I’m reading, and being set in Cornwall, can only help put me back to where I need to be, so thank you Miranda Dickinson and Ali McNamara, for all the inspiration!

‘Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.’ George Bernard Shaw

                                              

                                                                 'Inspiring me on....

May 2018- Building Blocks

A different kind of month than the last as most of it has been spent coming back to the task of actual writing. I’m finally nearly up to date on my typing, now on my current notebook in terms of where I’ve got to. But then the weather has been mostly beautiful, and not wanting to waste the sunshine, I have instead spent the time sitting outside, or as close to it as I can get and gone back to the pencil. Although I already had notes for parts I wanted to work on as well as some started scribbles, at first it was not as easy as I would have hoped or expected.  It’s been a little while since I really wrote anything new, a chunk of writing at least. So I suppose it wasn’t going to be like I’d just stopped and carried on again. These things come when you’re not planning them to, it just makes the set aside time that I make for writing more pressured. And at the start of the month, I was hopeful that it was just a little hump to get over before I’d be back in full swing.

And I was right! Nice to be able to say that just a couple of weeks later. There really is nothing better than putting pen (or pencil) to paper and just watching it flow, and that it has.  I’m enjoying writing again and beginning to feel the gaps. So I’m sure the end is nearer than I think but I will only really know that when the jumble is laid out before and I begin to sort through. I keep telling myself there is always tomorrow, I have no deadline, only the one I’ve set myself. Write off today and start again tomorrow. I try to keep telling myself that too, particularly on the bad days, and not just with writing, but work too. I often feel stuck with writing or more distracted if I’m having an off day, it’s all relative.

But I’m happy to say that thankfully those days haven’t been many. I’ve managed to type up another 5301 words and whilst that seems very little in comparison to what I have been doing recently, I’ve achieved a decent amount of actual writing this month instead as I build my story more. And it’s been lovely putting pen to paper once again. And its not just been my novel, as new ideas have been forming and scribbled down for working on in the future. It’s certainly been interesting as I never quite know where the inspiration will come from, and sometimes it can be the most unlikely things, and not when I expect it.  But whilst I’m careful not to get too carried away and lose sight of the WIP, I feel its good to have new ideas and projects in the back of my mind, scribbled in a notebook. It keeps my mind somehow fresher. I look forward to exploring them and delving deeper when I can. And there are always columns to write too, so I can’t say I’m not occupied!

And just a thought or two to end on. The lost art of writing by hand. It’s how I work and I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I sometimes feel like I’m a bit old fashioned in my methods- writing longhand and then typing. Some would say I’m wasting my time probably. But I like the feeling of a pencil in my hand. I have a purpose. And each writer is different, all with the same end goal, to tell their story. Does it really matter how they get there, or how long it takes? I don’t think so. And anyway, I like the smell of a new notebook, its much like that of a brand new book, a scent that I never tire of! And so back to it, to carry on building….

April 2018- Finding the love again…

I can’t believe where this year is going, and yet another positive month to add to it! It’s such a good feeling to be able to say that once more.

It has been a month of more typing, and I’m nearing the end of notebook eight, with only the current one left to work on. And it continues to be a learning curve for me as I write up the parts I’d already forgotten about and see where the gaps are. And the most positive part for me is that I’m falling back in love with my story again, losing myself in my own hand written words each time I type them up or scribble some new thoughts, or even type some new parts within the old. And that’s such a great feeling, I can’t tell you how much it means to me, after all the moments of doubt. I can see where work needs to be done and I can’t wait to get started on it. I have this novel in me and I will finish it!! Wow, feels amazing to say that!!

I’m finding that I write better when I give myself a limited time each day, there are much less distractions. Although I say I would love to write full time and one day that might ring true, I have found a way now that currently works for me. Okay so it may feel easier at the moment as I’m typing, the minute I sit down I can carry on from where I left off, but my mind is still working, thinking, planning. And so I hope this continues when I’m ready to move to the next stage, and it won’t be much longer now.  But by giving myself that time, and only that time most days, I feel that I am at least achieving something amidst the jumble of everything else. And so I’m making the most of my writing time, protecting it. That hour a day is much more focused as I limit myself to that time to write, I achieve so much more!

‘Until you put words on the page a novel is a marvellous thing that moves with your thoughts & becomes great. Then you begin to write & words don’t capture the brilliance you imagined but you struggle on hoping it will at least be decent’ Liz Fenwick

‘A crappy first draft is worth more than a non-existent one’

Quotes from twitter that have really struck a chord with me, inspired me. It’s so important to take inspiration from others, and use it to help my own journey. Despite my positive comments, I have still had the odd moment over the last few weeks of self-doubt and its other’s words that can have that uplifting feeling that is so much needed. And after a week off whilst I was on holiday, it was so good to be back to writing again, like finding an old friend, another lovely feeling. And despite that week off, I’m happy to say that another 14,893 words have been typed up this month, and I’m over the 120,000 mark overall, so another milestone. I know once it is all typed up I will have too many words, but that’s the whole point of editing right? And I can honestly say now that I’m looking forward to that next stage, to finally put my story together. I’m finally moving forwards. (Oh and by the way, that word count doesn’t include the extra scribbles that I’ve been doing, so even bigger yay!)

Whilst the support from tweets, articles, posts online have been important, I still feel the need to try and find another writing group. Not necessarily something I physically go to, but hopefully something online, that will have a wider reach and find others at a similar point to me in their writing journey, wanting the same from the group. I have found that I’m writing better, maybe more now that I’m not going to my local group, and it was good to begin with, don’t get me wrong, but I just wasn’t getting what I needed anymore. And I know I have some good support in my friends, I do miss the advice, sharing of thoughts, the like-minded people.  I hope I find the right type of support for me. ‘Writing is a lonely business  and we all need a little help.’

‘Don’t wait until you’ve reached your goal to be proud of yourself . Be proud of every step you take toward reaching that goal.’

The Power of Books and Words

Never underestimate the power that words can have over someone. Something so relatively simple but that can have a very big effect. Whether it be a book- fiction or non-fiction, or an article, blog post or just a simple tweet. Other people’s words can speak to us in a way that we never expected.  I feel lucky in that I learnt to read at a young age. I have been able to devour books of many authors, discovering new worlds and losing myself in the places created in those words written by talented others. Now I know that the same cannot be said for everyone. There are people who cannot read for whatever reason, or those who just don’t like to. But even the few words they see around them can have an impact, if you read or not.

And I continue to be inspired by others words, whether they be real life stories or fictional ones, they can all be just as powerful. And they make me determined to do more, both in my life and my own writing and reading. Let me tell you about just a few books and writers who have inspired me.

Rowan Coleman and Julie Cohen- Both brilliant fiction writers whose books I have had the privilege to enjoy but for also helping me on my own writing journey, with their advice and workshops that I attended. Their writing retreat last year was the best thing I could have done for my writing, even if I couldn’t see it straight away.

Miranda Dickinson- For just being herself! I was lucky enough to meet her as well as read her wonderful books, but just the daily motivation she gives herself and lends to others continues to push me onwards with my own writing.

Jane Austen- She was a powerful writer long before her time and how her books are still testament to that even now.

Liz Fenwick- For bringing Cornwall to life and inspiring me in my own story setting.

Henry Fraser/ Matt Haig/ Bryony Gordon- I feel I should be discussing these separately as they are all amazing people in my eyes, for sharing their difficult and personal stories with the world and helping me and others to see things differently and to overcome our fears, whatever they may be.

Eva Woods- ‘How to be happy’ A fictional story that I have just finished reading that spoke volumes to me and got me to write this post. I strongly recommend the book, and maybe you too will see how the power of someone elses words can inspire you.

I could go on with other writers- J K Rowling, Jojo Moyes, but I just wanted to get down my thoughts and share what others words had done for me. I hope that reading can do the same for you too.

March 2018- I Believe in Unicorns…

‘Believe in your story absolutely as you tell it’ Michael Morpurgo (I Believe in Unicorns)

Well, what another positive month and I feel so happy to be saying that. As before, I have spent the month continuing to type up from my notebooks and learning as I go along. The month started well with a snow day allowing me to find extra time to write as well as working on research notes and using inspiration from my holiday pictures. And very much as the above quote states from the master storyteller himself, I feel that I really believe in the story that I’m trying to tell, and becoming lost within the world that I am creating. And there have been moments of new writing too, as I either scribble or type new parts around those I’ve already written. It’s just so exciting  to see my story coming to life and just how I want it to be told. As always I am inspired by others, but putting the words in my own way, telling my story and really feeling it all come together.

The biggest achievement this month, and quite a milestone to mark is reaching the 100,000 word mark!!! It’s something I wasn’t sure I would be able to say, but am extremely proud to have reached such a significant point in my writing journey. And yet there is still more to do. Out of the nine notebooks that I have currently scribbled in, I’m now typing from number 8 and so the point is getting nearer when I can see just how much I already have. Only then will I be able to work out how much more is needed, and I’m hopeful that I have more than I actually think and the elusive first draft will be closer to completion. And I’m excited to read it all, to see all my threads finally come together.

Back to some of the new scribbles that have arisen whilst I’ve been typing, it has certainly been a good curve ball in that I already have thoughts on how to expand what’s already there. Besides that, there was the feeling of doing some actual writing, new words on the page. It has certainly been a little while. But saying that, I know that my typing exercise is very important in moving forwards and knowing where I am, seeing where the story maybe no longer works in places or fits in the overall plot, and adapting things as I go. And so my time has certainly not been wasted. It has been extremely valuable , to take a step back and think, as see already where there are still things to work on. But as the month ends and another is on the horizon, I can report that another 18,940 words have been typed this month, as well as more scribbled, so I’m taking that as another achievement to add to the list, as well as building on what I managed last month.

Talking of having targets to work towards, it’s been something very much on my mind. There have been a few days where I don’t feel that I’ve done as much as I could have done, and momentarily that has frustrated me. But then I got to thinking. What about giving myself a small daily target?  500 words maybe, something to work towards whether typing or writing. Okay so 500 may not seem like a lot, but better to start realistically, and then exceed on the good days when I can. I realise I’m a bit late to the game in this sense, but all in my own time, you know me!

But other than writing, I want to share a few other things that have also been on my mind. Firstly, how do you prioritise what to read?? There are just not enough hours in the day! I have a whole list of galleys on my kindle as well as writing books and my psychology magazines to read. They are all important in their own right, and as the quote says’ If you want to be a writer, you must to two things above all others, read a lot and write a lot’ – Stephen King. But just what order do you decide to read things, that’s where my struggle lies.  With both work and writing, I am feeling that there is never the time to catch up without dropping something else. There is so much I want to read and I want to do it all now, but I can’t and therefore it features lower down on the list of priorities, and books or articles are started but not quite finished. Just something else to work on!

A whole weekend at home, quite a rare thing for me I have to say. And yet I loved every minute when I did have one, just a couple of weeks ago. Even the job of cleaning and how it made me feel after I’d finished, that I’d achieved something, however small. The time to indulge in other hobbies too- cross stitch, music, films that inspire, reading and spending time with good friends. Its all so important, to get the balance right. But also managing to fit in some writing. It felt good to have some kind of loose plan and succeeding at ticking a few things off that I’ve been meaning to do for a while. It makes me more determined to enjoy the spare time more often, instead of always trying to fill it. Although this is not a bad thing either, but sometimes it’s good to just stop for a little while and do the little things that can also bring so much pleasure.

And so we’re at the end of another month, and I’m looking forward to what the next may bring. Small steps….

February 2018- Flying….

‘Find something you love doing and just fly with it’

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing and it has been my only constant for the last few weeks. What has kept me going is my writing and I think I would be lost without it now. And besides the obvious, I have been putting the words to good use.

For starters, writing through my emotions  to help understand and work on what’s going on in my head, and maybe using the words in other ways. To be perfectly honest, some days my writing is my only happy place. But I don’t want this entry to be all negative. And so instead I’ve been trying to put my personal frustrations, particularly at work into something more positive, by scribbling a column idea! I was particularly pleased with this as there have been points when I start to think that coming up with fresh ideas for the column begins to feel like a chore rather than something I’m excited about doing, which I was at the start.  But after 3 ½ years of writing 340 interesting words each month, that excitement quickly fades, even seeing it in print each time. But thankfully, just when I was on the verge of giving up on it, there was a small flurry and I have some ideas saved up now, which should last a few more months. I may still stop writing for it at some point, but not just yet. Writing shouldn’t feel like a chore, so once it does, that will be the right time. After all, writing, in whatever form should  be fun and exciting in its own way. So back to where I was, so easy to get carried away! I’m in a funny place right now with work, where it is too quiet. And while some crave that low point to have a chance to draw breath, I’m not one of those people. I like to be busy, challenged. So when I’m not, I struggle to motivate myself to do what little I do have. I’m also nearing the end of my secondment in my current role, and whilst I do have something different to move onto, which I’m looking forward to, it’s that strange time in-between and I would rather be writing! As much as I try not to worry too much, there are certainly days when I struggle to do what I’m paid to do. Thankfully I don’t seem to be having the same slump with my writing and for that I’m grateful. Onwards..

The epilogue is now written!! And I can tell you that it was an amazing feeling to have at least achieved that small goal. It might not seem like much, but it was a milestone for me and I can only hope that it will make the rest of the journey to completing my first draft that little bit easier. I’m already working on ideas that I’d already started but not finished for the earlier parts of the novel, so I’m beginning to fill the gaps and join the dots at least. And I’ve done what I said I would do. For the last few weeks, apart from a few scribbled thoughts, nothing new has been written, and instead I’ve carried on typing up what I already had. And up to today, 15.706 has been covered over the course of the month, with so much more to go. But I think that’s pretty good going! As I type, its bringing fresh ideas and thoughts, especially how I can expand on some areas. It’s really giving me the visualisation of how the novel will flow and feeling it all coming together, as well as using the time to think and build on. It’s certainly becoming an enlightening task as I remember where I was when I first wrote some of the words, and I’ve been using those memories to build in the excitement of those moments, making them feel much more real. I’m getting lost in my story again and that is a fantastic feeling.

‘Embrace the beautiful mess of a first draft- if all the bits are there, you can edit it later’

Sound advice  shared once again by the fantastic Miranda Dickinson.  And I do finally feel okay about it all. As Miranda also says, just reading this and realising I’m okay, has really ‘taken the fear away’ so thank you once again lovely lady, you remain a constant inspiration to me! As I continue to type, building even more of my story, I’m learning so much, especially about my characters and where I want them to go. I suppose in a way, the task of typing is almost like a second draft, as I see what I like and dislike and what can be added in and taken away. It’s a steep but enjoyable learning curve, but I’m getting there slowly!

And in other news… the short story I was working on was finished and submitted before the deadline, so it is just a waiting game now. I don’t have too much confidence in it getting anywhere, you never know, but I’m proud that I completed something by a specific, unmoveable deadline, so proof to myself at least! And it was good, just for a short while to work on something a bit different.  And on that note, I’ve recently had some thoughts and sparks of ideas for other short stories, maybe another novel, who knows? But whilst I’m excited, I’m also a little worried. Its ages since a new idea really grabbed me and began to form itself in my head, but I also don’t want to detract from my WIP. Can you have two big ideas at the same time?? I’m not sure. And so, whilst the new ideas continue to jump out, I duly write them down, but nothing more. I think I know that I have to finish number one first, to give it all that it deserves. After all, I don’t want to just give up on years of hard work and perseverance  when I feel I’m so close. So only when that is done, and I don’t feel I can do anymore, will I look at my other ideas and give them the time and head space that they need, and just hope the initial magic is still there.

So if you’ll excuse me, I have work to be getting on with…. J

January 2018- Start as you mean to go on….

Can you write too much? A big question to start the year, but one I have been dwelling on somewhat. And my answer? I don’t think so. Only now as I have accumulated over 75,000 words, and that’s just what I’ve typed up, with two and a half notebooks still to look at, I think not. My story is now much clearer and becoming even more so the more I write and type. I’m still discovering new ideas that I want to include as well as finding other parts that I now don’t like. But its all part of the process, and can be edited once I get to the end! I can finally see, I hope, where I’m going and where I need to have been, how I got there and that’s an amazing feeling. It’s certainly taken long enough but I’m finally proud of where I am. Continued research as well as the newly scribbled thoughts and ideas have re-inspired the earlier parts of my novel, which will really help to fill in the gaps. It’s amazing to think that it’s nearly four years now since I started the idea for my novel. It was just that then, an idea and thoughts of maybe a short story. I could have never imagined that the idea would have grown as it has and be as long as it is, or even that it still wouldn’t be finished. But I know from listening to other people’s journeys that it can take time to finish that all important first novel, so I’m not going to worry to much. But one thing I do know is just how far I’ve come in that time, both as a writer and the amount of words that I’ve achieved. I wouldn’t have believed it at the start, but I’ve certainly proved to myself that I have it in me to write a novel, and I can finally feel that the end is getting nearer.

Talking of the end… I have written the end of my novel!!! I was given some advice a little while back from Julie Cohen, a writer I have had the pleasure of meeting and learning from, that in order to get past the part where I was stuck, I needed to write the end. I would then know which direction I needed to be heading in. So Julie, I hope you are proud that I finally followed your advice, sorry it took me a while!  By writing the end, I finally know where I’m going and the realisation that I’ve actually written more of the story than I thought. So with that in mind, once I’ve finished the epilogue, I have taken the decision to try and step back for a bit, to catch up and see just how much I have done. Not easy when new thoughts keep popping into my head, but will attempt to do at least! I need to get everything typed up so it’s all in one place, making it easier to look through as a whole and mark up what goes where, BEFORE writing anything else new. Otherwise there is a danger of going too far and  not only getting lost again, but forgetting what I’ve already done and re-writing parts without even realising I’ve already had that very same idea before.

I’m trying to use time where I can. For example, travelling on the train for a weekend away sparked new ideas as well as being useful writing time. I try to write every lunch time during the week, but I sometimes feel it’s just not enough. I want to start using weekends more too, before they start to get busy again. January can be a relatively quiet time, so I need to be using that to my advantage. And I have in some ways, so I need to continue that moving forward where I can. It’s very easy to fill weekends and evening with lots of other things, and push the writing to the bottom of the pile. And don’t get me wrong. Sometimes that needs to be done, particularly when the weekends are the only time I have to catch up on the jobs that need doing, or enjoying some other creative tasks. It’s getting the balance right. And by feeling determined in all different aspects of my life, it is certainly helping the mind-set. By keeping my writing log, it’s useful to see just what I have done. This is particularly prevalent to look back on on any off days. I happy to report that there haven’t been many recently and I hope this continues. It gives me that allowance to accept that I can have time to do other things too and not feel guilty. But I still try to write on those days when I feel like I’m struggling. Words can still appear from ideas or trying to pick up from where I’ve left off. And okay, so I may not  really like anything I scribble on these days, and I feel stuck, but then there is that small ray of hope that these words can be rewritten when the time comes and the mood is better. At the time I’m frustrated as to why I feel like this, and there is no real reason to pinpoint why I feel like this, especially when the day is much like any other. But I know I can come out the other side, I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

There has been time where I’ve had the chance to work on some other writing projects, and the space from my novel, just for a short while cannot really be a bad thing I don’t think. I’ve been working on an idea for a short story that I hope will be ready in time to submit for a competition. I’ve had a few ideas for a while now but have only just recently begun to write the story. It may be a bit late given that the deadline is only a few weeks away but I now I would regret it if I didn’t at least try at having a shot at it. Besides it’s been a bit of a breath of fresh air, to work on something completely different in style, voice and subject. So we will see what happens! I might be taking a little break, but I think any writer needs that now and again, but at least I’m still writing and it gives me a chance to explore my ideas. Talking of ideas, there are still plenty of column ideas to work on, but at least it keeps me going for a bit! By taking that little bit of pressure off, I’m finding things a little easier, so I’m not prepared to give up on the column writing just yet! I will continue to try and surround myself with my own inspiration and my desk and room seem the obvious place to start, I just need to take the time to look at what I have and use it in a positive way. Otherwise what’s the point of having it there? I’ve chosen pictures and quotes for a reason after all.

‘It’s not where inspiration comes from, it’s where it leads.’

So as you can see, a mostly positive start to the near year, so long may it continue and be a sign of what the year ahead may bring….

The novel continues to grow....