And so we’ve reached the end (almost) of another year,
and as is common for most of us, I’m feeling very reflective and looking back
over what kind of year it has been and making those resolutions to take forward
to the next, see if my worries and goals have changed since January. More often
than not, they haven’t. I know it’s silly and may seem irrelevant almost, but
for me it’s an important task and I have every good intention to follow each
through to try and achieve them, even if it takes longer than 12 months. It is
what keeps me focused and helps me to move forward. I have this constant feeling of doubt that
seems to follow me everywhere, like a chain around my neck. It nags away at me,
that I’m not good enough, that I can’t achieve even the smallest dream I may
have, that I will be stuck this way for ever. Some days I squash it down and
rise above it, but some days it can take over and I’m left feeling almost
bereft and thoroughly useless. A bit like today really. And I need to push
through that, find a good place again. So that’s why I have to have resolutions
and small goals. So what if they are the same if not similar to the previous
year, that doesn’t mean that they can’t be achieved. It ‘s a small way of
proving to myself that I can rise above the doubt and work towards my
goals. Sorry, enough of the cliches, but
I feel I needed to share my thoughts, and it’s always at this time of year that
I have the capacity to really think and reflect. And now to share what the last month has
brought me.
Well, not as much as I’d originally hoped! At the start
of the month I was still continuing to write from where I’d left off before,
and I was pleased that the ideas and words were flowing, but started to feel
that I was floundering around a little, unclear of where I was headed. See that
self doubt again… I feel the time may have come (and I know I keep saying this
and I’ve yet to actually complete the task) to try and at least plan a little,
and after being nearly half way on the overall word count, a little overdue! I
will continue to write as the words come (and that doesn’t seem to have been as
often as I would have liked over the last few weeks) but work on trying to see
the bigger picture as feel this has been lost in the flurry recently. Maybe a
little time away from the novel is what is needed, in order to regroup my
thoughts and ideas, just not too long I hope!
The last year has been tough, on a personal level, and
when some things feel unsure, unsteady
and I don’t know what to do, the only thing that keeps me going is my writing
and books. It’s my place to hide, to be something else, even just for a little
while. And that’s why I get so frustrated when it doesn’t happen. December. A
month where everything else seems to take over and there never seems to be
enough time to write and when there is, my mind is too full of reality. It has
been an up and down month in the end, so not quite what I had hoped. Recording
the small positives each day has stopped me getting too down about it and also
my writing log, even one thing is better than nothing and it has been good to stop
and think about new short story ideas in a bid to spark writing inspiration.
But invariably however hard I try, I can’t force things and the busy-ness of
the month coupled with another few days of illness meaning I wasn’t myself,
have meant that I haven’t done as much as I would have liked. But I’m learning, slowly, to try and make the
most out of what I have, I’m fed up of feeling fed up. Can I do what I love as
a job? Maybe eventually, when I work out what that is, but not yet. Therefore I
have to do what makes me happy and find something in what I have to do that I
can at least enjoy, keeping all the options open. Things happen for a reason
and when the time is right.
‘Love your life. Celebrate and embrace each moment because
no-one else can do it for you’
Donald
Duck
‘Put your faith in what you believe in.’
During the flashes of inspiration and positivity, I
just wish I could bottle it up and store it, to use for the not so good
moments, to give the little push that I need. The buzz that other things, even
something such as a television show can give you, make you think, open your
mind, make you wonder why you didn’t think like that before. So I may not have
been writing as much as I would have liked over the last few weeks, but I’ve
learnt that ‘creative time’ is not just about writing, but crafting too, and
whether ideas or actual things, can all help to build the right mood. And I
have enjoyed getting back into craft again, it’s good to have lots of different
things that you enjoy doing, to help free the mind and prevent suffocation.
Sitting in the library one lunch time. I was inspired by some students around
me, working hard and I had a productive break. Whilst I sometimes long for
those days again, I know I have to move on, look to the future and where I am
now. But I was glad to be inspired and it was a good place to sit and write and
even catch some ideas.
I’ve started a short story idea that I’m hoping to use
for two competitions, so looking forward to seeing where it goes and that I get
it finished on time, especially given my lack of enthusiasm for writing
recently. Saying that, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything other than
my novel (and a few columns) so it has been refreshing and I hope (when I get
back into the swing of things) that it will break down the small wall that I
seem to have hit on my novel. It’s been a busy time of year all round and I’ve
struggled some days to have the time as well as inclination to write. But then
looking back has been useful here too. I can see that actually I have achieved
things over the last year, some of which I’ve forgotten about, particularly
writing so reason to celebrate and I’m looking forward and planning for the next
12 months. Did I give myself an unrealistic deadline by which to get my first
draft done (by the end of this month). Probably, but I don’t really know.
Sometimes you just can’t tell what the
future will throw at you. So, have
plenty to think about and work on for the year ahead, and I’m looking forward
to it!
‘The pursuit of awesome’
Back where I need to be... finding my place...
‘A moment to dream….’
