Thursday 31 August 2017

August 2017- Post-Holiday Blues

And so I’m back and yes, as the subject suggests, very much feeling the post-holiday blues. The weeks leading up to going away were seemingly going well, or so I thought. And they were. I was getting words on the page and feeling pleased that my ideas seemed to be taking shape as I wrote larger chunks of the novel, quite often carrying on from where I’d left off the day before, building each time I opened my notebook and picked up my pencil. But yet the nagging thoughts just won’t leave. The more that I scribble, the ideas come. But am I trying to over complicate my novel by trying to have too many threads and ideas? Whilst seemingly all good thoughts, will they all work together? I suppose I won’t really know until I look into each one in more detail. More and more I’m trying, and not always succeeding  to take a small step back to attempt to see what it is I’m doing.

The holiday in some way allowed me to do that. Did I achieve all that I wanted? I don’t know, but I had a good time all the same! There were lots of visits made to new places and it was just what was needed, to be surrounded by the inspiration that I craved. It also opened my eyes a little. One such visit was made to Mousehole as well as Penzance, which were to be the original locations in which my novel was to be set. Since then, my ideas have changed slightly, using a variety of places to inspire my fictional location, and whilst I loved all the visits that we made, I’m glad now to have made that decision and not waited until now to really get a feel for the place.  And there was further inspiration to be discovered waiting in St Ives, Porthcurno, Falmouth and Helford so I was spoilt for choice. It was a lovely feeling to see the real places, like my words coming to life. But on the downside, I didn’t write as much as I thought I would, or hoped as I was too busy being on holiday. I suppose that’s inevitable, unless you make a specific research trip. But I have all my photos and memories, so in theory, lots to keep me inspired.

But that’s sadly where I’m now struggling. I’ve been back a couple of weeks and been trying to get my mojo back now that I’m back to the reality of life. I remembered how much I achieved last year after we got back and was hoping for the same again. There have been moments where I’m starting to see now where the story is taking better shape now that the focus seems to be in the right place. But I still need to have a basic outline written down, not only so I can see where I’m going, but also giving me direction as to what I should or could be working on each day. Shutting my eyes and letting it all become clear in front of me, where things fit and what still needs to be done. My danger is thinking too hard. And that’s when it all becomes mixed up and I overthink everything. I need to take the pressure off. And that’s where I seem to still be going wrong. I’m still beating myself up, practically every day if I don’t think I’ve done enough in the time that I have available to me. A fantastic holiday and then on the first day back to reality, I’m not sure where all the inspiration has gone. A wasted evening when I could have been writing and for the most part, achieved nothing. I’m on the verge of tears and yet I still can’t seem to motivate myself to let the words come. Am I just expecting too much? We all have bad days right? But I just feel recently that this is happening too much, that I’m letting myself get distracted too easily. And there my problem lies.  Looking back on that night, I did actually achieve something, and although I may not have thought it much at the time, it was better than nothing. But I’m feeling very frustrated by the ups and downs of writing and the feeling stuck.  I had hoped, like I’ve said, that the holiday would bring on a flurry of writing as it did before. And whilst there has been some, which I shouldn’t turn my nose up at, there is not as much as I would like. I struggle with finding a routine that works for me, and when I do have the time, using that whole session in which to write and not get distracted. My head is just too muddled. So I really need to start taking some of my own advice.

I’ve been continuing, in fits and starts, to free write on my novel and that has been a positive in that I continue to discover my story as I just let the words flow. But it also throws up questions along the way that I don’t yet have the answers to. Would most of these be answered if I had completed some kind of plan? More than likely, or at least some of them. And I keep saying it. Its something that I both want and need to do before I lose myself completely. And yet I still struggle to even begin, to try and break down in my mind in order to translate it onto paper. Should it be that hard?? Probably not, but why can’t I just see it clearly? As much as I don’t want to stop writing, given that the free writing works during my lunch breaks, and can be done wherever, I need to stop and take a proper step back, look at what I’ve done so far and see what I can do with it. Maybe then, I will be able to see even clearer just what story I am trying to tell.  No more excuses, I need to set aside a specific time in which to sit down and really get my teeth into it and only then will I feel better.

I realise that I have done a lot of ranting and moaning, considering the wonderful and inspirational holiday that I was lucky enough to go on. But given time ( things never come when you want them too, when you are waiting), I will get my mojo back and the mist will hopefully clear. And there are other things that I’ve learnt too. A writer must always be an avid reader and I certainly adhere to this. I’ve been reading different styles of books recently and found that I have been both inspired as well as critical, which in turn has helped me to discover myself more as a writer as well as slowly finding my own voice. And I’m hoping to find a soundtrack to my writing too, music that will also help to inspire. It’s a work in progress.


And so I end with some hope. There is still work to be done, as always, but I know I can do it, if I just give myself a little more credit. Yes, the first draft still needs to be finished, but I’m the one setting the deadlines at this stage, so they are not unmovable. I need to be more realistic about what I can achieve, but also stick to my routine. It’s all there, if only I take the opportunities that are offered to me. So what if the first draft has taken a few years to write, isn’t that normal for a first time novelist and better that I put out there the best that I can, right? I’m the only one who can tell my story.