November 2016- 'Scribbled Thoughts'

I’m proud to say that it’s been a good month and the little bit of writing done just four or so short weeks ago continued for a majority of November so I’m feeling good! (so I promise not to be as negative in this post…)

Given that I felt I’d written a good amount, I thought that typing it up and adding everything to my expanding first draft would be useful, a chance to have all my words in one place. And as I was coming towards the end of of the notebook, it seemed a good time. It has been quite a realisation, that I’ve written much more than I thought and also that what is there, isn’t bad. When I’m going through one of my negative moments, and am finding it hard to write, I tend to forget all that I’ve done before and I need to try and not put a downer on that, celebrate the small victories. Okay, so I may not use all of what I’ve written in the long run, but they are all good ideas and not to be wasted, just getting that first draft written! Looking back on how much I’ve done since starting my novel over, I was surprised to find that I’ve done just over 30,000 words since I started to rewrite (out of the just over 48,000 noted) and having typed up as far as I’d got, found that I had 7,696 words just from this one notebook, and there is still more to be typed. So with all my scribbles, I’m nearly halfway there, and that is exciting stuff!  I have to say that I’m pleased with some of it too, although sorting it all out into some kind of order will be a huge task. Its one thing writing that 100,000 words (when I get there), but quite another to craft those words, sentences, paragraphs  and chapters into something that makes sense, joining it all up. That’s when the real fear will set in.

I’ve been working hard on setting aside time to write, and how best to use that time each day, depending on my mood and various other factors. Despite reading a quote that writing is not typing, I can’t say I agree. Writing by hand as I do, it means I can lose track of how much I’ve done. By spending some of my writing time typing, I can record all those thoughts and have also found that new ideas come up as I type, meaning my writing can continue, especially on those days when I’ve hit a bit of a wall. Typing allows me to collate everything in one place, build up a whole picture as well as generating new words along the way. But something else the quote shared was that researching, contemplating, composing in your head and with revisions along the way is writing, so that makes me feel better as I come to understand the whole process!

I’ve started a writing log using the memo app on my phone which I’m finding so useful. On those days when I feel I haven’t done much, I can see that I’ve done better than I thought. It maybe some ideas from the book that I’m currently reading, or the start of a new column, but it all adds up, it all has a meaning to my writing and how I’m developing as a writer. It’s important to note the small achievements each day and good to realise just how much I am doing over the course of a week or month. And looking back, its not been a bad month overall! Its also about knowing when to stop, for example when I have an evening in which to write, to be in a good place for both me and my writing, and I’m attempting to stop beating myself up, a paragraph or just one line of writing is better than nothing at all.

It was commented on recently how I hand write everything rather than use my laptop or some other device and type straight away. But I just find it easier and more comforting to have a physical notebook on me at all times, plus my laptop is just too big to carry around! I could invest, and maybe I will at some point, in something more, but what I have serves me well and there’s something old fashioned, yet exhilarating about filling the pages of a notebook with words and then when you do get round to typing them up, finding out just how much you’ve actually done.  And I’m learning that one of the hardest, but ultimately most rewarding things about writing is that you have to work out for yourself who and what you are as a writer, and how you yourself work best. And that leads me nicely on to tell you about something else I’ve been looking at this month. I’ve been listening to various podcasts and vlogs from other writers to keep me inspired whilst at work, listening and making notes (and working too!). And by doing that I’m finding that I can then be more focused (most of the time) on work and then my writing when it comes to my hour lunch break. So a big thank you this month to Miranda Dickinson, Cesca Major and Sarah Painter! J

This month has been very much about just getting words down on the page and I feel I’ve definitely achieved that, and so now its about moving forward and trying to get my elusive first draft done before my writing retreat/ course in March. I’m onto my forth notebook for my novel, which I find quite inspiring, so many words and ideas now and still more to come! To quote Miranda again, I’m making plans, finding out what I can control and ignoring what I can’t #staysparkly and its a good mantra to have, as well as ‘reading inspires me to write better.’ I’ve been making notes from the various novels that I’ve been reading, which in turn is sparking new ideas and inspiration for my own writing. But as always, it’s a bit of both for me too, as I just love to read! As I look on social media, in my gathering of thoughts, I’ve been seeing lots of pictures of other authors writing spaces. I know I keep going on about it, but I see then what I need, if only I had the space- a bigger desk and my own separate room for writing (and storing all my books!). I would love to have somewhere to retreat to, to have more space to spread out and create my own magic, with all that I need around me to inspire me, but at the moment its all a bit of a dream. That’s not to say that one day it won’t become a reality, but for now, I have to make the most out of what I have… I have a desk, now just to get a new chair that isn’t broken, and will hopefully be a bit more comfy!

And as I end the month, with more scribbled thoughts yet to be typed up and lots of ideas to explore, I’m feeling much more hopeful. Its about remembering to have faith, in myself and what I’m doing and the support I have behind me. It’s been an up and down year, but it’s not over yet, and I aim to end on a positive note so I can start next year in the same way. So for now, back to writing!!

October 2016- Lost in Translation?

Despite my best efforts, the uncertainty and frustrations have continued this month and I don’t feel that the effect on my writing has been positive at all. It has been weeks of questions, notes but not much actual writing. To start with I don’t think my current ‘slump’ mood at work has helped. Its affecting my writing, the fact that I can’t just switch off and focus properly on what I say I want to do, its all relative. And when I can’t write, I feel useless. Like I’ve wasted the precious time that I do have. But the words just won’t come, instead the tears of frustration. And It ends with me constantly questioning myself, over everything.

To start with, why do I even do this blog? Sometimes I’m not sure. Do I want people to read it? Well yes, but I don’t think that’s the main reason that I write it. It’s a way for me to record everything- share my experiences and views, as well as thoughts and feelings.  At the start of the year, having spent hours working on my monthly entry, only to have it deleted and having to start over, I took the decision to stop posting. It made me question why I was doing it, and given that not many people seem to be reading the posts, I no longer saw the point. But then I felt like there was a little something missing, that I needed to get all my frustrations out somewhere, share my journey. But it doesn’t stop the constant judgement of myself,  from what others may think and the fear of inferiority. So should all this just be for me instead of everyone else to read?  I would like to think there are others out there who read my words and find it echoes how they are feeling too, much as I get from reading other writer’s articles and posts. That we’re all here to help each other in some way.

So as you can tell, the last few weeks have been very much full of self doubt for most of the time and it just takes over. But as I’ve experienced in the past, it really is amazing what you can achieve when you set your mind to something, and that’s where I seem to be going wrong a lot of the time. My mind is only half on what I want to be doing, finding it hard to switch off and get motivated to write when I don’t feel motivated in anything else. The ideas are there, with lots of notes, but finding it hard to locate the words that need to go with them, to bring them to life. A vicious circle that never seems to end. But isn’t that what life is all about? Getting over the hurdles and celebrating the small victories? Trying to convince myself as I just feel that I moan a lot. It’s like I know I have things to do but no inclination to even begin and I hate it.

But looking back, there have been small positive moments, it’s just I’ve let them get swallowed up with all my negativity. I had a small light bulb moment, when I felt able to see some structure to at least the start of my novel, and how to organise some of what has been written. I’ve yet to actually get going on that particular task, but at least the idea is in the back of my mind, stored for later. Annoyingly I seem to get quite a few ideas when I’m trying to get to sleep, always at odd times! Still that’s why a notebook is never far away. Although I’ve moaned a little about all the notes, they have or will be useful in the future. I’m always surprised by where I get inspiration from. I’ve been watching quite a few ‘real’ programmes, about homes and gardens by the sea, which is opening up new ideas and thoughts that I maybe hadn’t considered before. The same could be said for the books that I’ve been reading, random ideas springing up. I have read some novels purely based on where they are set, thinking that they are the best to help me. But it’s not all about setting, and whilst they have been very useful, other books have to, despite their story and setting.

I’m working on visuals too. I’ve added a number of photos onto my board, which is propped where I can see it in my room. Whilst this is useful when I’m at home, that can’t be said for when I’m trying to write at work, and I spend a lot of time just staring into space, waiting for something to click into place. But that said, the board is still working, with photos of locations mostly to help inspire me, and using Pinterest again more for the same reason, and I can access this on a PC or my phone, so wherever I may be. I just have to be careful that I don’t spend too long pinning and looking at pictures, whilst not allowing them to create their own magic. Something else I hadn’t really considered is other writing. I’m too bothered about trying to get my novel finished, but I could fill the space using other writing to help free my mind, particularly when I’m really struggling and who knows, I might get some new ideas for the novel from it! I just need to have a go at putting that into practice now, especially on the bad days. Something else that has been bothering me is my work space. Even though I’ve tried to make it a nice space in which to sit, I can honestly say that I don’t spend that much time sitting at my desk (I’m writing this whilst sitting on my bed). But I can’t really pinpoint a reason as to why I’m not making the most of the space I have. But maybe that’s what I missing here. As I sit in my room, I’m surrounded by things to inspire me, not just around the desk area, so maybe it’s not about sitting on the chair. (The desk is a little on the small side too, but had to work with the space I had).Its about learning what works best for you.

One of my favourite things this month had to be the chance to attend a publishing event at Hachette. As soon as I entered the building I was excited and knew I was in a good place. It was an amazing evening, with the chance to hear four authors talk about their quite different routes into getting published. Each one had a lot of advice to share and all of it was extremely useful, but one thing that stood out from all of them was finding the time to write each week, which could just be a few hours if that’s all that can be spared.  It certainly made me feel like I wan’t going about it all wrong.We then had the chance to have a workshop with one of the authors as well as an editor from Hachette. To say the whole evening was useful, doesn’t even come close. I came away not only with a bag full of signed books (bonus!) but also having learnt a lot about myself too, as well as what it takes to be a writer. I’m writing the book that I really want to write and I need to continue to have self belief in my idea and get back up, keep trying. And don’t try to write like anyone else (despite being inspired by certain authors), I need to find my own voice.

So with that in mind, I want to share a few things that I have learnt from a couple of authors recently- Miranda Dickinson and Freya North- that have helped to strengthen my resolve to keep working away, and that I’m doing okay. Firstly Freya- a note found at the back of her novel that I’m currently reading- that she doesn’t plot or plan each novel that she writes, instead letting the story unfold as she writes it. I have to say that the books of hers that I have been lucky enough to read have been brilliant, and it has inspired me to just carry on, see where my story takes me and letting it change along the way until I feel it is finished and I’ve said all that I have to say. I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself that I didn’t have a plan before I started writing, and thought that’s what was holding me back. But the only thing doing that is me! So thanks Freya, for instilling some confidence back into me. Miranda on the other hand shared a very interesting article on the ten things that being a writer had taught her, and they really echoed exactly how I was feeling at the time that I read it. You can read the full article here http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/miranda-dickinson-searching-for-the-silver-lining-1001215.html#/ixzz4Ncl6KDRs , but I just want to share each of the ten points, and I will certainly be attempting to live by them in my own way, so thank you Miranda!

To love what I do

To be come a fighter

To be my own biggest fan

To write for me, first

To trust my gut

To write whenever, wherever I am

To celebrate everything

To step away from reviews (yet to get to this stage, but noted!)

To be brave

To seek inspiration everywhere

And so to the end of the month, with a little writing! Surprisingly whilst on a trip to Birmingham on the train, I felt inspired and wrote more sense than I felt I’ve done all month, so perhaps all is not lost, and what was needed was a change of scenery and as above, seeking that inspiration from the most random of sources, who knows? But at least I ended the month on more of a positive note and will just see what the next few weeks bring now…

‘It’s okay to start writing even if you don’t have a clear vision of what you’re going to write.’