Just for a change, I will start with the positive this
month, much as the month itself started off. So you will remember that I
mentioned I was going on a writing retreat. Well, all I can say is INSPIRING! I
had an amazing time, meeting other writers and learning from published writers
as well as a literary agent. If you will indulge me for a moment, I will go
into a few more details… the retreat took place at Folly Farm, which is an 18th
Century farmhouse nestled in a 250 acre nature reserve.My room, which was in
one of the converted cowsheds overlooked the valley and the whole place was so
beautiful and quiet and I managed to set up a makeshift desk ready for all the
writing that I was planning to do. But first the chance to meet the two lovely
authors running the show- Julie Cohen and Rowan Coleman, as well as the other
writers as they started to arrive. Lots more chatting over dinner, with
everyone, and followed by a Q&A with Rowan and Julie. Such an inspiring
first evening, lots of notes made and despite my initial worries before I
arrived, knew I was in the right place and that in some way I belonged. Lovely
to also meet Miranda Dickinson for the first time after admiring her writing
for a while. On the Saturday morning, it was time for my one to one with Rowan.
This was the part I was most nervous about, whether she was going to like it,
or even if I was doing anything right! And Rowan couldn’t have been more
lovely. I received positive feedback on
my idea and how I can move forward, and it gave me the much needed boost to try
and finish my elusive first draft. There was lots to think about and I took
time to walk around the grounds to gather my thoughts and try and take
everything in. Now, I didn’t actually
start on any of the tasks suggested to me by Rowan whilst away, but there was
still some writing done, trying to get myself in the right head space, around
extremely useful workshops by both Rowan and Julie and the chance to learn
about the other side from literary agent, Lizzy Kremer (who said she recognised
my name from Twitter, must be doing something right then!). There were moments
when I struggled, felt I wasn’t doing enough, but after talking to some of the
other lovely ladies in the group, realised I wasn’t alone in my worries and
doubts and that was a comfort. I loved the whole weekend, not only for
everything I learnt from others, but also what I learnt about myself and the experience
of being solely in that writers bubble, it was hard to leave.
And then, unfortunately it was back to reality with a
bump. I needed that time away to inhabit another world and absorb myself in my
creativity, and around the right people. Now the struggle is to find the time
to try and go back to that place (in my head) when real life is going on around
me. And it has been a definite struggle. There has been plenty of thinking
time, which I’m learning is vital when you can’t physically write, a time to
immerse myself in my story and characters, and not feel guilty if there are no
words on the page that particular day, the thinking is just as valuable. But I’m
not always finding that this then moves to the page itself. To start myself
off, I continued to type up all my handwritten scribbles (from where I’d
stopped whilst away- finding my way in) and it has been useful to see just how
many ideas I’ve had and to see areas I could expand on. But it’s all still very
much a jumble of words, paragraphs and sections, with no real order to it all.
That becomes one of the next tasks, but I only feel I can attempt that when I
can see the novel as a whole. Writing my synopsis for the retreat was a step in
the right direction, but there is still lots of work to do there, and so I’ve
made a start on re-writing that. The other job I want to do (as suggested by
Rowan) is to plot out the basics of my novel, again to be able to see the
bigger picture and take a step back from the jumble for a while. And I
gallantly made a start, laying out my post-its in different colours. I was
pleased to start with, thinking I was getting there. But as I looked at what I’d
done so far, I knew that it wasn’t quite right, and that I needed to start
again, And that’s where I am now. I haven’t started it as yet as for some
reason I’m finding it a real struggle.
The frustration has well and truly set in as my initial
enthusiasm from the start of the month seems to have dissipated. I’m still
thinking, and scribbling ideas from other sources, but I feel I’m back to where
I was, struggling to see the plot clearly enough to record it in the way that I
want. I’ll explain in more detail- I started by doing alternate chapters for my
two main characters but as I was jotting things down and the line of post its
was getting longer, I realised that I was focusing far too much on the back
story so I almost need to flip the whole thing on its head, and start from a totally
different point, tell the story in a better way. And so I’m aware of what I
need to be doing, but as I’ve said, can’t seem to start. Not quite what I’d
envisaged after my return from such an inspiring weekend. I’ve been doing a
lent challenge again this year, writing short pieces each day, from a prompt.
Whilst its been good, and I am writing, I do feel that I’m using it as a
distraction from what I feel I should be doing, or am I just making excuses? I
feel I’ve lots my novel writing mojo a bit. And the thinking has become stuck
too, with finding that I can’t get my head in to either the story or my
characters enough. But I know I don’t want to give up. I want to be able to
plot, I do! To be able to follow the brilliant advice given to me by someone
who knows. But why can’t I seem to see that bigger picture and what does it
mean? Maybe I’m just thinking too much, piling the pressure on, and therefore
blanking my mind in the process, leading to further frustration and feeling
what spare time I do have I am wasting by my inability to think clearly. I live in a vicious circle.
Another frustration for me has been Writers Group, and
I know I’ve voiced this before. Am I going for the right reasons, or out of a sense
of loyalty? More and more I’m coming away frustrated and annoyed, that I’ve
wasted an evening when I could have been writing (or at least attempting to) I
have enjoyed some weeks, when we’ve had workshops and I feel it has been
useful., but I’m not sure its enough. So what do I do next? Find another group,
that suits my own needs better? But then how do you know? I’m still debating
the problem now. I decided not to go to the first on of the month and I didn’t
feel guilty, but then if I did, surely I’m not there for the right reasons?
Instead I had a constructive evening of writing and plotting, so I didn’t feel
that I’d missed out on anything. I did go to the second meeting, even though I
wasn’t sure as it was an Open Mic and I’d put my name down to read. I had some
lovely comments about the poems that I’d picked, and from people I didn’t know,
so it did make me realise and remember how writing poems helped with my moods,
so a nice reminder to use that to my advantage, to help get my frustrations
out, and you never know what might be useful. So another decision not yet
reached. Being around my fellow writers at the retreat has opened my mind to the
people that can help me, so will use them as another avenue, through email or
social media for support too.
And so the month has very much been a series of ups and
downs. The positives being the retreat (obviously) and a writers block workshop
that I attended (at work, but very useful!) as well as the lent challenge for
making me write at least something. But there has been an awful lot of starting
and stopping, of not knowing what to do next and how to get there. Free writing
(at workshop and a couple of other occasions) has been good,as has re-reading
some other novels set in Cornwall- thank you Liz Fenwick) to help get me
somewhat in the right place, but still everything is no clearer. And I’m not
sure, given all the positive things done and learnt, why I can’t seem to get to
the other side. I can only hope that the fog clears and things become a bit
brighter, if only I can learn to take the pressure off. I need to stop looking
to the past and keep moving forward, taking everything I’ve learnt so far with
me. After all, every journey starts with a first step and I need to stop being
afraid of taking it. A little something is better than completely nothing after
all. And if in any doubt, just keep looking at my mission statement (Thanks
again to Rowan!) for the push forward that I need!
(And if any of you are reading this, I want to shout
out to all the lovely ladies, who helped me on my way, just being being there
in our bubble- Paula, Bernadette, Rosemary, Julia, Litty, Suzy, Fiona, Debbie,
Jen and Anne, as well as Emma, Miranda, Lizzy, Rowan and Julie- you are all
amazing, thank you).
