I don’t like to start on a negative note, but you can
only build up to the positive right?
And so the crisis of confidence continued into the
start of the month, and not just in my writing, but as I struggle to place
where I want to be. Having a job that I have an interest in and provides me
with a good challenge is important to me and I need to work in order to live,
pay the bills. As much as I would love to write full time, it’s not a realistic
prospect right now. And so, I keep applying for things, attempting to keep my
options open only to be knocked back each time and I have to question, what
next? I know I don’t want to stay where I am, that much is clear to me and the
coaching sessions I’m having were helping me to focus my applications and ideas
to a point. But now I’m becoming impatient as I’m ready to go, but with no clear
destination, it’s all so frustrating. Do I just carry on and hope my time comes
soon? Now you may be wondering what this all has to do with writing, but to me
it’s all relative. I question myself generally, and that includes my writing,
the fear that I’m doing it all wrong, that I will never get there, that it all
seems such a big and unachievable task.
I’m currently struggling to see the end of the tunnel
as I look through the ‘mess’ that is supposedly my novel. There are good
sections, having scanned through it, paragraphs and ideas, some that Id
forgotten about. But as they are in no particular order currently, it makes it
harder to see where it’s all going and find the faith in myself that I will get
there. And I’m scared. Of what this writing weekend (now just days away) will bring, if I’m good
enough and what I’ve sent is right. This month has been a roller-coaster of
emotions and doubt with a severe lack of confidence thrown in. What am I doing?
This wall keeps coming up and it’s harder to get over it each time, as I put
too much pressure on myself. And yet, sometimes it takes a bit longer, but I do
manage to get to the other side. I did manage to prepare all that was asked of
me for the retreat, and it was a learning curve, to see how disjointed my novel
is and trying to see what I’m really trying to say. But the synopsis was done,
and the first chapter, so one hurdle, so now building up to the next one. I’m
excited, yet nervous about the weekend, but my one hope is that I’ll come away
feeling inspired and have some good feedback to work to moving forward. The
task of writing the synopsis did provide me with some idea of where I’m supposedly
heading, so I just have to keep going until I get there. And I will.
So I’m building to the positive, albeit slowly! As
quoted in a recent article I came across, I’m trying to be my own superhero,
taking control and doing something about my writing career. I’m the only one
that can make things happen. And doing this retreat is another step in the
right direction. I’ve got to start having more faith, in both myself and my
writing, as well as my goals. I need to stop trying to be someone that I’m not.
I need to find my own personal style and way of doing things, my own way. There
is nothing wrong with being inspired by other people, in fact I see that as a positive,
but stop keep trying to change to be more like them. I AM ME, and it’s all
about learning to like who that is, and following my own plans. I was lucky
enough to be a beta reader for Sarah Painter’s writing book- ‘Stop Worrying ;
Start Writing’ and it couldn’t have come at a better time for me, the help that
was very much needed. It has given me much to think about and the confidence to
continue, as well as the opportunity to help out another writer, I strongly recommend
it once it has been published, I will certainly be getting a copy, to keep
drawing back to on those bad days, remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing.
And so to quote another fellow writer, I’m just making
it up as I go along (Marian Keyes) and finding my own way. The end of the month has definitely been
better than the start. Although there are just not enough hours in the day to
get done all that I need, particularly when I struggle to ‘switch heads’, I know
I don’t want to give up. I just have to be more accepting of the bad days when
forcing something out of nothing won’t help anyone, and move forward, work on
making sure the next day is better. As mentioned, prep was done for the retreat
and I’ve been working more on my novel since, as well as submitting one short
story for a competition and working on a second for another. So there is still
plenty to keep busy with. I’m working on trying to plan my time better, making
notes on what I would like to achieve in the amount of time that I have,
and hopefully this will help more with my focus. Yes I still have doubts, what
writer doesn’t? But I’m trying to make the negatives into positives. For
example, reading through my past short stories as well as others submitted for
the same competitions has made me see what I’m missing. And that I like some of
my early stuff, feeling the rawness and the style I was trying to emulate. Have
I lost something along the way, become boring, or have I just simply changed?
Something to certainly be more aware of as I continue on my journey. Another
positive, my columns. After a flurry of ideas, I have a couple already written
and ready to go, with another couple still in progress. But by building a bank
as the inspiration presents itself, I feel less pressured when the time comes
to submit and be published.
So lots to be thankful for, despite a shaky start, and
lots to look forward to. So here’s to a positive month going forward, where I
hope to be so inspired after my retreat (and I can’t wait to share what I
learn) that I will struggle to take my pen from the paper and stop for air!
