Two weeks away and a much needed break, but bar a few
scribbles, no real writing done. And that’s probably what I expected to be
honest, how ever good the intentions are. But then its just so much harder to
pick the work in progress back up again, especially when I was struggling a bit
before I went away. I was beginning to doubt my capabilities and whether I
would ever get this draft finished. I’ve been working on this story for so long
and I still want it to be told, but that is not necessarily communicating to
the page. But I also don’t want to give up or put it away for the fear that I
will never finish it otherwise. It’s a vicious circle that I keep getting
myself into. The motivation is there (most of the time) to want to write but
the words are not presenting themselves. But each day can only improve right?
In order to get myself going, I worked on some column ideas and this blog and
ended up with quite a few scribbled ideas and things to work on for my novel
before bed so not a bad end to the day when I struggled to even start. I just
need to take each day as it comes and stop piling on the pressure.
And it has worked!! For how long, as usual, remains to
be seen, but it’s a good start at least. I gave myself some thinking time, to
get my head in the right place, and by doing that as well as reading back over
what I’d already written, it gave me the boost I needed and most days since
I’ve managed a good chunk of writing, whether that be continuing from where I
left off the day before or starting another new section, I have been moving
forwards. It has also given me the chance to rediscover some of my characters
as I try and bring them more to life and weave in their stories. I certainly have lots of points to be working on! And I’ve done some typing too, trying to
catch myself up a bit, although still a notebook to go! But that too has been
beneficial as it sparked lots of unexpected scribbles as well as more before
the end of the day, so a huge positive!
Unscrambling my jumbled thoughts and ideas, a hard task
at the best of times but this time the results
were positive for my novel as well
as clearing my mind a little, too many
ideas to hold in one place, that can come at any time. Some, I have no idea
where they will go, and may be just a sentence or paragraph, but don’t want to
lose anything as you never know when you may need it. And as before, it realy
helped. I was able to continue working on my novel, building on ideas that I’d
already started thinking about as well as building the story to link with what
I’d already done, filling some of the gaps as I go. I had one particular week
this month where I was writing something new each day and I’m excited to see
where the words take me. But just as valuable is that thinking time, when I
sometimes feel I haven’t achieved much, although it may not be words on the
page, I’m stil trying to see my story in my head. And that goes for research
too. I have a whole document of things that I want to look into in more detail
so that I can ensure everything is right, and I will come back to that at some
point, but sometimes you need to do just a little bit of digging to get the
words out. During my thinking time, I’ve also noted why it is that I want to
tell this story and the particular things such as events that inspired me, as
well as my structure and the gaps I still have to fill, all useful in their own
way, and something to refer back to when I’m having not such a good day. On
those days, I may write something and hate it, but I have to remind myself that
a little something is better than nothing even if I’m stuck for words and struggling with trying to get across
what it is I want to say. And looking back over my log for the month, I can see
that I’ve had a more productive few weeks than I did in July, with more of a
routine back in place and feeling better with what I’ve achieved.
It’s funny but I can’t pinpoint the moment that I
wanted to write. I’ve always loved reading, but it was only a few years ago
that I started really thinking about writing. My twin sister is a writer too
and she started long before me. I was almost jealous of what she could do. And
so I copied her. I wanted to experience what she had. I don’t think that’s the
real reason I started though, not really, that just sounds selfish, childish
almost. But perhaps I just needed her to show me what it was about and for that
I’ll always be grateful. For now I couldn’t imagine my life without writing.
Sounds a bit soppy, over-dramatic if you like, especially when my first novel,
the first full draft is still not finished. But I’ve learnt so much about
myself since I began to write and I hope that journey can only continue. WHY??
Do I write, or do this blog? Maybe it’s the wrong questions, maybe I should be
asking am I happy? And the answer would be yes (most of the time). I write because
I have to, I want to share my stories, even if I do get a little frustrated
sometimes. And as for this blog, its my way of telling myself my journey and
that its okay. On the days where I’m struggling with what I want to say, or how
I want to say it, or after a few days off, I can get frustrated, but there is
always tomorrow.
Something I’ve learnt about myself recently is that I
seem to becoming more of a coffee shop writer, using the world around me to
inspire thoughts and spur me on. It wasn’t always the case, I thought I worked
better with quiet, but more so now I feel that I write more, better with some
background noise and the feeling of others around me, although as long as it is
not too noisy or distracting! Natural light is good too, if I can get a window
seat. Funny really that even now, I’m still learning and winding what works
best for me. And I can honestly say that having too much time doesn’t, not at
the moment anyway!
So as I near the end of another notebook and still have
so much I want and need to say, discovering my other characters a little more
and building my second main character around my first, I feel that I’m finally
beginning to see this novel as a whole. But I do worry that it is never going
to end. Ten notebooks full of scribbles, ideas, notes, and I can only continue
to write more as I seek out number 11 and the excitement of a fresh new page
beckons, of continuing my story. But maybe I’m just worrying too much. Maybe
most writers just have a couple of notebooks per novel, of notes and plans, and
the rest is discovered as they type. But my way works for me right now, and I
still have so much to learn. Besides that’s what editing is for right, scaling
down? And I will get there!
‘You’re not lost, you’re just finding your own way.’
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