Write as well as you can, you’ve
made that decision’
I hate those days when nothing
seems to go right, to fit. I can feel my head pound and my insides coil up with
the frustration. My mind is blank and however hard I try, nothing seems to be
happening. Whatever I manage to write is disjointed and doesn’t really make
sense. I just know that it will be rewritten on one of the better days. The
pressure of feeling I have to at least write something intensifies and I’m
tired. I’m a perfectionist and however many times I tell myself that it’s okay,
I know for me that it’s not. I have to feel like I’ve achieved something, that
maybe my life has meaning, and I’m not going to get that by doing nothing. I’ve
made my life this vicious circle. Some months are better than others, with more
good days than bad, so I suppose I ought to take all the positive from that.
Are all writers the same as me? Is it part of the make up? I’ve taken to
recording achievements of each day and at the start (probably about two years
ago), it seemed relevant, so I could see that actually I’d done more than I
thought, that it was good to celebrate even the little things. But now even
that has lost what it should have, and almost become a list of jobs, what I do
each day- not exactly what it’s supposed to do. So maybe a step back needed; a
review- and not just on my writing either, but on who I am and how I do things.
A chance to read others experiences, learn from them, adapt and make some changes,
however small and lessen the pressure on myself. It can’t be good for me after
all. I hope that it would then allow me to use the time I do have more
effectively and to a better purpose than I am currently doing.
Why do I write?? It’s a question I’ve
forever asking myself and I’m still not sure I know the right answer.
Ultimately, I believe that it is because I have something to say and the best
way to express that is with words. And I
can tell you certainly that I’m not just doing it to get published. I just want
to feel that I’m doing something worthwhile. I have notebooks full of
paragraphs and disjointed sentences and maybe a smattering of good ideas, but
all in the same place and although I like to call it that, I don’t yet feel
that it resembles a novel. I spend a lot of my time fretting. Should I have
done this, should I have done that, but never seeming to be where I should. I
still feel, that despite my best efforts, I’m still in the initial stages and sabotaged
by my day job and other writing I do whilst I’m
working on it, constant distractions wherever I look.
‘A greater part of writing than
you might suppose relies upon the writer
ignoring or temporarily setting aside a
whole circus troupe of ugly fears and just typing, in spite of them’ A L
Kennedy
This has described me down to the
last word, and what I’m working towards, but I spend a long time trying to get
past the stage where I just write and get over all my anxieties.
‘Start well and then veers off
somewhere horrible and I’m bogged down and concerned over the bad sentences and
possible relevance, will it work?
I have no self-belief in my own
writing and my biggest stumbling block is getting the first draft done. I feel
isolated and not able to share my frustrations, my little niggles, for fear
that no one else can help. I am bewildered. Navigation is an issue; I’m getting lost along
the way. Can I navigate myself through this novel? Well I won’t know unless I try! It’s all the
other things that are stopping me from writing- the stream of minute but
undeniably important at the time interruptions. They are getting in the way.
The only thing that can save me is doing what I have to do and finding ways to
make the best of it, and if not working on the novel, but on other projects,
then so be it, at least I’m doing something, better than nothing at all. And so it’s
back to planning. It’s what I keep coming back to (what I should have done to
begin with) as I make a start and then stop; carrying on with research and
perhaps a bit of writing, before planning again as once more I’ve lost my way,
not knowing essentially what my story is.
An ideal writing day, is there
such a thing? To write at least a paragraph of something. A small, but you
would hope, perfectly achievable aim, but some days, I’m still unable to fulfill.
Ideal would be not to let everything else get in the way- Get up, write (once
dressed!) Lunch, more writing, dinner, maybe a bit more and only then chill out
with a book or watch TV. Reality- Work, scribble something at lunch, more work,
commute either way (driving so no writing) and evening writing if I’m in. Still
I suppose little is better than nothing. Procrastination, something I’m getting
very good at! (annoyingly) Finding even the smallest thing- is my desk tidy
enough, shall I put these papers away- to distract from actually writing, doing
something with the WIP. And just knowing the internet is a touch of a mouse
away is the worst distraction of all. But then I have to remember that I do
have a life outside of my writing, and that it’s okay to be busy with other
jobs and hobbies and have a break, just as long as I come back to it!
And there will always be other
ideas and stories bubbling under the surface and that’s okay. I just need to
try and focus most of my free time, if I can on one thing…. And I now have the
trip in the summer, so that should give me a boost hopefully! I’ve been
thinking a lot about things that can help me along the way, such as creating a
writing soundtrack. As I type I often feel that something is missing, and not
only will the music fill the silence, which just heightens my frustrations, it
could also provide extra inspiration to what I’m writing. Worth a go at least,
see if works for me. Working to a deadline. Shall I give myself a deadline to
get the first draft finished by? Might not be a bad idea. Worth a go at least, I would hope that it
would make me more focused, like when I have a column due or this blog post to
write. So I’m thinking Christmas. Maybe a little too adventurous given that it’s
taken me over a year (I’m not even sure now, could be longer!) to get to where
I am now. Stuff it, I’m going to do it, well aim for then at least. I will try
and have at least some kind of completed novel in six months. Wow, I’m scared
now I’ve said it out loud. Better to have a challenge!
‘Being scared is perfectly normal
when starting to write.’
Am I still starting? Just how long
has it been now since I decided that I needed to do something about it? At
least 2 and a half years now I would say. Wow, longer than I thought. And yet,
sometimes it feels like I’m just beginning, trying to find my feet. But then
does the learning ever stop? I’ve
started to build up a list of all my writing achievements, and it’s been a good
exercise, remembering just how far I’ve come, and picking me up on the worst
days,
‘You’re not lost; you’re just
finding your place.’
And that is just what I’m doing.
It might not be what others consider to be the best way, but its working for me
so far. I’ve typed up over 10,000 words over the last few weeks, all scribbles
in my notebook, but I’m getting all my ideas in one place, and trying to see
where I’m going. Touch wood, it’s going
well, as I type, new ideas and questions are being raised, and I’m starting to
feel like a real writer of a novel. I’ve spent time doing research, with still
more to do as I move forward. I feel like I’m immersing myself into my place
and characters, picking up from where I’ve left off the day before and it is
always on my mind, some nights I dream of the world I’m trying to create or its whirring round as I try to fall asleep. But at least I’m thinking about it.
This is the first time since I started working on it that I’ve felt this way,
does that mean I’m getting there? I’m working with my words and trying to build
something. It is test of endurance and sometimes I feel like I’m failing, but
for now I am keeping on keeping on.
So thank you to A L Kennedy for
describing me down to the last full stop exactly how I’m feeling and where I
am, and then lifting me out of that black hole. ‘Onwards.’
(A brilliant article on ‘how to
find the end’- helping me to get there! https://t.co/ViaAPHcmGQ
)
