‘Be our strength in
hours of weakness, in our wanderings be our guide; through endeavour, failure,
danger, Father be thou at our side’
A bit heavy for
some, but the words just spoke to me as I sang them during a Sunday service. I
need to have more faith in my faith, in myself and it will help me through. For
some this will be achieved in another way, but whatever your preference, the
simple message is the same, keep the faith.
And that’s not to say that it doesn’t test me, but I’ve hung onto the
hope and it seems to be working. For example, by learning to write off a bad
day and start again tomorrow. I can’t force myself all the time, however hard I
try. And I know and have found that the best words come when I take some of
that pressure off, when I’m not overthinking. Feeling you have to rather than
you want to will result in crap, or worse, nothing. And so you end up feeling
like somewhat of a ‘useless article.’ When I have the time to work on things, a
quieter weekend for a change and then achieve nothing (in the writing sense).
So what kind of writer does that make me?? A failed one or one just having a
bit of struggle with it all? I think it just makes me normal. And maybe I
needed that low moment and a few tears to get it out of my system, for now at
least. And so things have looked up since then. Now I sit down with no
preconceived ideas each time therefore not setting myself up to fail in the
first place. Then I am grateful for anything that comes, however small.
As a member of our congregation
struggles to fight her cancer, we are all left praying for her and her family,
her two young children. And whilst we are all sad, she is also an inspiration.
She still has life left in her, despite everything. So through my tears, I’ve
learnt from her. I need to be kinder to myself. Life really is too short to
worry myself over little things, that it is important to make the most of your
days, to chase and follow your dreams. And I feel grateful, for all that I do
have, and the ability to follow my dreams, however long it takes. Its about
being honest with myself and dealing with whatever life throws at you in the
best way that you can. Thank you Sarah.
This blog in itself
is a great achievement. Each month I sit down to write my rambling thoughts
from a few typed notes on my phone and am always surprised by the end product.
It is great to see just how many people read my words each time, although I’m
not sure why sometimes. I suppose it’s the fact that despite not getting any
comments, I feel that I’m hopefully speaking to others like me and certainly
can’t sniff at nearly 100 views in just one day of publishing (July). I wrote
over 1300 words in just over an hour. That’s proof that I can write, and well,
when I have the motivation and the right prompts! Letting my mind run as I do
when I write up my blog, using only simple notes, it’s an idea I need to put in
place for my novel.
And there have been
other positives too. I have a whole wealth of books on writing, and although I’ve
read some of them, it’s easy to forget everything you’ve learnt when you’ve
finished reading the whole book. But now, its knowing where I can dip in for a
chapter, a paragraph on something, lets say like plot and structure (I know,
still harping on about it!), and then pick up from where I’ve left off with
that little push of motivation. And that
goes for various blogs, columns, articles that I find online or in a magazine.
Just reading someone else’s words speaking to you, can give that much needed
confidence boost (thanks Psychologies!). And finally the support from friends,
both online and physically is very much appreciated, coming at just the right
time, and is so important. Writing as we all know can become quite a solitary
task and the support is certainly invaluable to keep you going, especially when
things don’t seem so great.
And the actual
writing? Well, I’ve tried to make the most of what nice weather we have had
(not as much as we would have liked) to sit outside and write. I’ve certainly
found there to be less distractions, especially as campus has been quiet. It is
obviously what I need to concentrate, so I don’t think I’d make a café writer!
I’m inspired by the outside world too, in a way that I can’t seem to get when
sitting indoors. But as term starts again and the seasons drawn in, I will have
to think of other ideas, places to go. Maybe typing straight onto a PC rather
than my notebook scribbles? Or sitting in the car. I just want to find a way
that works best for me. Talking of typing, I’ve have spent some time typing up
some of my scribbles- 5 out of 7 notebooks now recorded. And I have to say it
was another boost to the confidence. Looking at the forgotten gems and ideas,
that my writing is actually okay, and I feel good about it. I’m seeing the
typing as almost the second draft, adding in notes and lines or words as I go
along, making my handwritten scribbles like the first draft. It’s working, in
my own way and its at least a chance to take a small step back and familiarise myself
with the story I’m trying to tell and just how far I’ve come. And something
else I’ve learnt, albeit the hard way, is not to measure my performance each
day, not in the way you think at least. If I compare each day by the amount I’ve
written, it’s not always reflective of the achievement. As well as words on a
page, thinking time is just as valuable. I have flurries until the words
seemingly run dry for that section, at least just for a short while. But I’m
getting into the habit of attempting to follow my random thoughts and am
continually surprised where my pencil can take me. If one thread dries up,
working on something else until I’m ready to come back to where I left off. And
so far, it seems to be working, and I am feeling a lot more positive this
month. That goes for my newspaper column
too. I was beginning to think about giving it up, that it was becoming a chore
rather than something I enjoyed writing, but have since had a build-up of new
ideas, so maybe I’ll carry on for a few months more. Funny how things work out…
#Don’tGiveUp
