January 2019- Facing the Fear

January has been a hard month, in a number of ways. Feel like I’m facing the fears in more way than one. Fear that I’m not good enough, that I can’t do this anymore. But then a small moment of magic comes and puts the bad stuff into a corner. I had a light bulb moment  whilst reading a book, a good book but not one I was reading to help me. It just shows that inspiration really can come from anywhere, when you least expect it, even when you’re not thinking about your story. And so followed a whole load of notes and thoughts as I could see, finally, just how my story should be, how it should be told. And this was right at the start of the month. A break can be a good thing, but also a struggle. I’ve spent some time working on some short story ideas which has been good and at least I’m writing something. But I’m scared that if I get too distracted, I won’t be able to pick up my novel again, that the story will somehow stall too much for me to carry on, to do what I need to do. And that really worries me. Maybe it’s not about writing something new, more that I need to begin looking at my novel again, against my rough outline, seeing where things go and what I already have.. But finding the time and motivation, to look at it, when I’ve been staring at a screen all day at work is a struggle. I need to find a different routine to adopt, one that works best for me and then sticking to it. It’s all there, waiting, I just need to let myself in. I need to get over the fear and start to believe in myself and my story, otherwise no one else will. And sticking to my plan too, instead of keep changing things too much. Reading other stories has been good but there is a danger  that others ideas will influence too much on what I’ve already done to the point that I’m feel like I’m starting all over again and all my work up till now will have been wasted. STOP and THINK. But not too much. Thinking is why I feel I’m no further forward and this elusive draft feels like it will never be finished. It’s about getting the balance right. And slow progress is better than no progress.

‘The key to writing is to write, not to think.’ Finding Forrester.

Working on my short story ideas for the competition has been beneficial, the feeling of just getting the words on the page and sparking the love of writing again, the excitement of a new story. It can only be a good thing and help with my novel in the long run. And I’m not saying that my novel doesn’t excite me, that I no longer like the story I’m telling, because I do, I just need to rediscover that feeling. I keep coming up with different story ideas, inspired by things I’ve seen, how I’m feeling. Only sometimes I end up going in the wrong direction and I have to stop and bring myself back to who I am, the kind of writer I want to be. Hiding that piece away in order to be able to focus properly instead of getting distracted. Words are on the page, so that’s a good thing and all my work has not been in vain, so something I’m grateful for, but the words actually written are not me. I have to treat it like an exercise of exploring and sparking new writing but I have to keep bringing me back each time to the place I need to be.

At the start of the year, I said to myself that I hoped that 2019 would be healthier and happier for me. If there was anything to put paid to that, it was promising myself that. It may still be January, but I can honestly say that it hasn’t been the best of months, with one thing after the other making me feel I’m taking a step back each time. I’m still using my lunch breaks to write, but only after having a walk, trying to build a new routine. And then I got the flu. And I’ll honestly say that it’s been a struggle to get back into everything again, the motivation and energy lacking, both physically and mentally. I’ve been trying to write though, even when I’ve not been 100%, in a bid that having something else to concentrate than just the yuck feeling will  help, as well as the need to get back to normal. It’s about knowing my own limits, starting small. I’ve found a new place in the last couple of days at work where I can sit and write, surrounded by books and inspiration, and scribbling story ideas and columns in order to bring me back to where I need to be. Hopefully there will be a little bit of magic waiting for me at the end, it’s the one thing I’m holding onto.