Despite my best efforts, the uncertainty and
frustrations have continued this month and I don’t feel that the effect on my
writing has been positive at all. It has been weeks of questions, notes but not
much actual writing. To start with I don’t think my current ‘slump’ mood at
work has helped. Its affecting my writing, the fact that I can’t just switch
off and focus properly on what I say I want to do, its all relative. And when I
can’t write, I feel useless. Like I’ve wasted the precious time that I do have.
But the words just won’t come, instead the tears of frustration. And It ends
with me constantly questioning myself, over everything.
To start with, why do I even do this blog? Sometimes I’m
not sure. Do I want people to read it? Well yes, but I don’t think that’s the
main reason that I write it. It’s a way for me to record everything- share my
experiences and views, as well as thoughts and feelings. At the start of the year, having spent hours
working on my monthly entry, only to have it deleted and having to start over,
I took the decision to stop posting. It made me question why I was doing it,
and given that not many people seem to be reading the posts, I no longer saw
the point. But then I felt like there was a little something missing, that I
needed to get all my frustrations out somewhere, share my journey. But it doesn’t
stop the constant judgement of myself, from what others may think and the fear of
inferiority. So should all this just be for me instead of everyone else to
read? I would like to think there are
others out there who read my words and find it echoes how they are feeling too,
much as I get from reading other writer’s articles and posts. That we’re all
here to help each other in some way.
So as you can tell, the last few weeks have been very
much full of self doubt for most of the time and it just takes over. But as I’ve
experienced in the past, it really is amazing what you can achieve when you set
your mind to something, and that’s where I seem to be going wrong a lot of the
time. My mind is only half on what I want to be doing, finding it hard to
switch off and get motivated to write when I don’t feel motivated in anything
else. The ideas are there, with lots of notes, but finding it hard to locate
the words that need to go with them, to bring them to life. A vicious circle
that never seems to end. But isn’t that what life is all about? Getting over
the hurdles and celebrating the small victories? Trying to convince myself as I
just feel that I moan a lot. It’s like I know I have things to do but no
inclination to even begin and I hate it.
But looking back, there have been small positive
moments, it’s just I’ve let them get swallowed up with all my negativity. I had
a small light bulb moment, when I felt able to see some structure to at least
the start of my novel, and how to organise some of what has been written. I’ve
yet to actually get going on that particular task, but at least the idea is in
the back of my mind, stored for later. Annoyingly I seem to get quite a few
ideas when I’m trying to get to sleep, always at odd times! Still that’s why a
notebook is never far away. Although I’ve moaned a little about all the notes,
they have or will be useful in the future. I’m always surprised by where I get
inspiration from. I’ve been watching quite a few ‘real’ programmes, about homes
and gardens by the sea, which is opening up new ideas and thoughts that I maybe
hadn’t considered before. The same could be said for the books that I’ve been
reading, random ideas springing up. I have read some novels purely based on
where they are set, thinking that they are the best to help me. But it’s not
all about setting, and whilst they have been very useful, other books have to,
despite their story and setting.
I’m working on visuals too. I’ve added a number of
photos onto my board, which is propped where I can see it in my room. Whilst
this is useful when I’m at home, that can’t be said for when I’m trying to
write at work, and I spend a lot of time just staring into space, waiting for
something to click into place. But that said, the board is still working, with
photos of locations mostly to help inspire me, and using Pinterest again more
for the same reason, and I can access this on a PC or my phone, so wherever I
may be. I just have to be careful that I don’t spend too long pinning and
looking at pictures, whilst not allowing them to create their own magic.
Something else I hadn’t really considered is other writing. I’m too bothered
about trying to get my novel finished, but I could fill the space using other
writing to help free my mind, particularly when I’m really struggling and who
knows, I might get some new ideas for the novel from it! I just need to have a
go at putting that into practice now, especially on the bad days. Something
else that has been bothering me is my work space. Even though I’ve tried to
make it a nice space in which to sit, I can honestly say that I don’t spend that
much time sitting at my desk (I’m writing this whilst sitting on my bed). But I
can’t really pinpoint a reason as to why I’m not making the most of the space I
have. But maybe that’s what I missing here. As I sit in my room, I’m surrounded
by things to inspire me, not just around the desk area, so maybe it’s not about
sitting on the chair. (The desk is a little on the small side too, but had to
work with the space I had).Its about learning what works best for you.
One of my favourite things this month had to be the
chance to attend a publishing event at Hachette. As soon as I entered the
building I was excited and knew I was in a good place. It was an amazing
evening, with the chance to hear four authors talk about their quite different routes
into getting published. Each one had a lot of advice to share and all of it was
extremely useful, but one thing that stood out from all of them was finding the
time to write each week, which could just be a few hours if that’s all that can
be spared. It certainly made me feel
like I wan’t going about it all wrong.We then had the chance to have a workshop
with one of the authors as well as an editor from Hachette. To say the whole
evening was useful, doesn’t even come close. I came away not only with a bag
full of signed books (bonus!) but also having learnt a lot about myself too, as
well as what it takes to be a writer. I’m writing the book that I really want
to write and I need to continue to have self belief in my idea and get back up,
keep trying. And don’t try to write like anyone else (despite being inspired by
certain authors), I need to find my own voice.
So with that in mind, I want to share a few things that
I have learnt from a couple of authors recently- Miranda Dickinson and Freya
North- that have helped to strengthen my resolve to keep working away, and that
I’m doing okay. Firstly Freya- a note found at the back of her novel that I’m
currently reading- that she doesn’t plot or plan each novel that she writes,
instead letting the story unfold as she writes it. I have to say that the books
of hers that I have been lucky enough to read have been brilliant, and it has
inspired me to just carry on, see where my story takes me and letting it change
along the way until I feel it is finished and I’ve said all that I have to say.
I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself that I didn’t have a plan
before I started writing, and thought that’s what was holding me back. But the
only thing doing that is me! So thanks Freya, for instilling some confidence
back into me. Miranda on the other hand shared a very interesting article on
the ten things that being a writer had taught her, and they really echoed
exactly how I was feeling at the time that I read it. You can read the full
article here http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/miranda-dickinson-searching-for-the-silver-lining-1001215.html#/ixzz4Ncl6KDRs
, but I just want to share each of the ten points, and I will certainly be
attempting to live by them in my own way, so thank you Miranda!
To love what I do
To be come a fighter
To be my own biggest fan
To write for me, first
To trust my gut
To write whenever, wherever I am
To celebrate everything
To step away from reviews (yet to get to this stage,
but noted!)
To be brave
To seek inspiration everywhere
And so to the end of the month, with a little writing!
Surprisingly whilst on a trip to Birmingham on the train, I felt inspired and
wrote more sense than I felt I’ve done all month, so perhaps all is not lost,
and what was needed was a change of scenery and as above, seeking that
inspiration from the most random of sources, who knows? But at least I ended
the month on more of a positive note and will just see what the next few weeks
bring now…
‘It’s okay to start writing even if you don’t have a
clear vision of what you’re going to write.’
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