I sit and wait, stare at the half
finished page a little longer. I can’t seem to find that spark of inspiration
from yesterday and all the little things that were swimming around in my head
have disappeared. It’s so frustrating. And just last week, and at the start of
the month it all seemed to be going so well. The words just seemed to flow out
of me like a renewed passion that seems now to have been snuffed out once
again. I’ve told people I’m a writer and I’d like to believe it but there are
certainly times when I doubt myself. And then there’s people asking ‘how is it
going?’ and I’m never quite sure how to reply so I just say ‘okay’. Then I
don’t have to commit, or admit defeat. That in reality it’s been a few days
since I properly put pen to paper and written anything legible. A few scribbles
here and there- lots of new ideas and thoughts but for something new instead of
what I should be doing. My mind just doesn’t seem to want to concentrate. And
it’s not like I can pinpoint a reason, blame it on something apart from my lack
of imagination. I read the books, follow the writing tips, where am I going
wrong?
And then it comes, like a flurry
of snow. The pictures in my head, the sentences on the page, as if from
nowhere. That spark of inspiration and another idea is born. I’m living in my
characters world, seeing where she is, the people she meets. That’s the place
where I need to be, but not just for a few hours (if I’m lucky) a day. I feel
like a coiled up spring, frustration building. But on the good days, because of the lack of writing time, the fact
that having a full time job (which I currently need, but most days, don’t love)
gets in the way and I have that lack of motivation for what I should be doing
(what I get paid for). I’m obviously grateful for the fact that I’m having a
good day/ week in terms of my writing/ work on the novel, but the struggle is
with reality. I seem to be having fits and starts there too, it’s like a
seemingly vicious circle in everything I do. Am I chasing an impossible dream, with wanting
to be noticed for my writing or at least be in the world of books and
publishing somewhere?? The jury is still out on that verdict, as I continue to
apply, and in some cases take extra time on what is needed in the applications,
and continue to be rejected. Do I accept where I am and just get on with it? It’s
a hard one, when I’m in a job that I’ll be honest, I’m a little bored and
unchallenged, what’s to say I’ll be any happier
elsewhere. Until the day that maybe I can write full time, I will just continue
trying to find that middle ground, fitting everything in. You have to be in it
to win it after all, and as Invictus tells us ‘I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE.
And so I’ve let another month go
past. Some pages have been written, not enough, but it’s something at least.
Whether it’s good, only time will tell, but isn’t that what the rewrites are
for? (if I ever get that far- as you can tell, patience isn’t a virtue of mine).
At the start, it seemed to be going well, and most lunch breaks were filled to
the brim with words scribbled across the pages, giving me something to lose
myself in, away from the disappointments of everyday life (more on that later).
But on those days where the novel muse seems to be hiding, maybe I should start
taking seriously and not belittling the other scribbles. There are more columns to be written, one
published every month now so have to keep the mind whirring with new ideas, but
always a help to have the family on that score! But there are other story ideas
bubbling under the surface and in some ways I’m too scared to let them out
completely, in the fear that all my hard work on my novel will be forgotten and
go to waste with the distraction of something new. I need to learn the art of
being more disciplined, that it’s okay to refresh your mind now and again,
enter competitions and write short pieces to get the creative juices flowing. I
wonder how many times I will be reminding myself of that? Plus there is the
positive side too of writing something different, a QuickFic here, a task for writer’s
group there- I’m building up a treasure chest of ideas, and who knows where
they will take me in the future? And doing what I should be doing, which is
writing!!
But even writing this blog each
month is an achievement that I don’t think about. Once I put my mind to it, I
can actually write a decent amount of words, and mostly in one hit, so why can
I not put the same method into practice when it comes to my novel? I think I’ve
been learning the hard way, and only just hit on what I need to be doing. ‘I CAN AND I WILL’- I need more of a routine
and less distractions (easier said than done), less excuses. Making the time to
write, even when I don’t really feel like it. There never seems to be a ‘right
time’, who can honestly say that about anything? But instead, I’m breaking down
what I’m doing into smaller chunks- a task a day if you like and just focusing
on that. There is nothing worse than looking at your notebook, trying to magic
up the muse that just won’t appear and you can’t get into the mind of the
character. So start in a different place! Now I’ve finally realised this, I can
honestly say I feel much more determined, so watch this space!
And so I thank you Freya North,
you were my ‘turning point’ when I was ready to go back and hide under my
writers block rock. Sorry for stealing your title, but it really was your book
of the same name that helped me out this time and I will be eternally grateful.
Alongside the fact that the summer
holiday is booked, and the research trip now seems very real, I want to go now!
It’s given me renewed enthusiasm, much like I had just four and a bit weeks
ago- and I’m back planning properly, with the assistance of post its! (Thanks
Julie Cohen and Rosie Walsh) as well as creating character profiles and a sense
of place. The cottage we’ve booked is not in the area that I originally planned,
but given that I’ve created my own fictional names for them, I don’t see why
they couldn’t be based on real places, just a bit further along the coast. I
may still visit the other locations, but I think I’ll wait until I at least get
into the county before I decide. So for
now, further research is underway and the excitement levels are building just
letting everything float around in my head.
There is so much more that I could
have waffled on about, but I think I’ve covered most of it, so I’ll see you
again soon, when who knows where I will be on my journey, just so long as I
stay on the path and don’t keep losing my way… now where is that map?
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