January 2018- Start as you mean to go on….

Can you write too much? A big question to start the year, but one I have been dwelling on somewhat. And my answer? I don’t think so. Only now as I have accumulated over 75,000 words, and that’s just what I’ve typed up, with two and a half notebooks still to look at, I think not. My story is now much clearer and becoming even more so the more I write and type. I’m still discovering new ideas that I want to include as well as finding other parts that I now don’t like. But its all part of the process, and can be edited once I get to the end! I can finally see, I hope, where I’m going and where I need to have been, how I got there and that’s an amazing feeling. It’s certainly taken long enough but I’m finally proud of where I am. Continued research as well as the newly scribbled thoughts and ideas have re-inspired the earlier parts of my novel, which will really help to fill in the gaps. It’s amazing to think that it’s nearly four years now since I started the idea for my novel. It was just that then, an idea and thoughts of maybe a short story. I could have never imagined that the idea would have grown as it has and be as long as it is, or even that it still wouldn’t be finished. But I know from listening to other people’s journeys that it can take time to finish that all important first novel, so I’m not going to worry to much. But one thing I do know is just how far I’ve come in that time, both as a writer and the amount of words that I’ve achieved. I wouldn’t have believed it at the start, but I’ve certainly proved to myself that I have it in me to write a novel, and I can finally feel that the end is getting nearer.

Talking of the end… I have written the end of my novel!!! I was given some advice a little while back from Julie Cohen, a writer I have had the pleasure of meeting and learning from, that in order to get past the part where I was stuck, I needed to write the end. I would then know which direction I needed to be heading in. So Julie, I hope you are proud that I finally followed your advice, sorry it took me a while!  By writing the end, I finally know where I’m going and the realisation that I’ve actually written more of the story than I thought. So with that in mind, once I’ve finished the epilogue, I have taken the decision to try and step back for a bit, to catch up and see just how much I have done. Not easy when new thoughts keep popping into my head, but will attempt to do at least! I need to get everything typed up so it’s all in one place, making it easier to look through as a whole and mark up what goes where, BEFORE writing anything else new. Otherwise there is a danger of going too far and  not only getting lost again, but forgetting what I’ve already done and re-writing parts without even realising I’ve already had that very same idea before.

I’m trying to use time where I can. For example, travelling on the train for a weekend away sparked new ideas as well as being useful writing time. I try to write every lunch time during the week, but I sometimes feel it’s just not enough. I want to start using weekends more too, before they start to get busy again. January can be a relatively quiet time, so I need to be using that to my advantage. And I have in some ways, so I need to continue that moving forward where I can. It’s very easy to fill weekends and evening with lots of other things, and push the writing to the bottom of the pile. And don’t get me wrong. Sometimes that needs to be done, particularly when the weekends are the only time I have to catch up on the jobs that need doing, or enjoying some other creative tasks. It’s getting the balance right. And by feeling determined in all different aspects of my life, it is certainly helping the mind-set. By keeping my writing log, it’s useful to see just what I have done. This is particularly prevalent to look back on on any off days. I happy to report that there haven’t been many recently and I hope this continues. It gives me that allowance to accept that I can have time to do other things too and not feel guilty. But I still try to write on those days when I feel like I’m struggling. Words can still appear from ideas or trying to pick up from where I’ve left off. And okay, so I may not  really like anything I scribble on these days, and I feel stuck, but then there is that small ray of hope that these words can be rewritten when the time comes and the mood is better. At the time I’m frustrated as to why I feel like this, and there is no real reason to pinpoint why I feel like this, especially when the day is much like any other. But I know I can come out the other side, I’ve done it before and I can do it again.

There has been time where I’ve had the chance to work on some other writing projects, and the space from my novel, just for a short while cannot really be a bad thing I don’t think. I’ve been working on an idea for a short story that I hope will be ready in time to submit for a competition. I’ve had a few ideas for a while now but have only just recently begun to write the story. It may be a bit late given that the deadline is only a few weeks away but I now I would regret it if I didn’t at least try at having a shot at it. Besides it’s been a bit of a breath of fresh air, to work on something completely different in style, voice and subject. So we will see what happens! I might be taking a little break, but I think any writer needs that now and again, but at least I’m still writing and it gives me a chance to explore my ideas. Talking of ideas, there are still plenty of column ideas to work on, but at least it keeps me going for a bit! By taking that little bit of pressure off, I’m finding things a little easier, so I’m not prepared to give up on the column writing just yet! I will continue to try and surround myself with my own inspiration and my desk and room seem the obvious place to start, I just need to take the time to look at what I have and use it in a positive way. Otherwise what’s the point of having it there? I’ve chosen pictures and quotes for a reason after all.

‘It’s not where inspiration comes from, it’s where it leads.’

So as you can see, a mostly positive start to the near year, so long may it continue and be a sign of what the year ahead may bring….

The novel continues to grow....

December 2017- Looking back...

And so another year is drawing to a close and I can’t quite believe where the time has gone!  It is always a time for looking back, for reflecting. And I’ve certainly been doing a lot of that, learning along the way.

In a complete turnaround from what I said last month, I realise that in some ways I’ve been focusing on the wrong things. Okay, so work takes up most of the hours in the week, that’s life. But it’s how I spend the rest of my time that’s important- being the real me. I may never have the perfect job for me, and let’s be honest, how many of us really do, unless you’re one of the lucky ones. Most of us have to just fit in the dream around the reality. The more I wind myself up about work, the less time I am thinking about the important things. Focus on that and maybe the rest will follow. I just need to recharge my energies into what is important to me. Work is important in its own way of course, but it’s not everything. I have a good job in a good place, and for that I will now try to be more grateful.  I attended a workshop run at the uni on how to be more confident and it has certainly given me food for thought and tools I can use. I need to stop trying to be someone that I’m not and just be me. I’m sure that given time, I will be a lot happier.

 It certainly seems that I’m an all or nothing type of person, which is probably why I’m not good on the nothing days. But I am learning that its alright to have those days and that the next time I pick up my pencil, I will be able to pick up from where I left off before. And its good (and okay) to have other interests and make life balance. So not only am I learning more about myself, but also about my writing, helping me to be better in both aspects. The time off at Christmas highlights just that. It has been a mix of feeling guilty that I have that extra time to be writing, but also the need to refresh ( and be ill, in my case!) And actually, it has given my thoughts time to come together, ideas forming when I least expect them to. Writing is still a job in some respect (even if I don’t get paid for it) so in that sense, a break from the everyday is needed here also.

But onto what I have been doing for the past few weeks! First off, I’ve been trying not to think too much and just write. And it seems to be working well. I tend to pick up from where I’ve left off the day or even week before, and if not from that particular section, finding another or starting a new one from one of my may scribbled thoughts. And it seems to be working well, as I find the task of sitting down to write slightly easier and the words seem to come in reasonable flurries. I’ve begun working on a more detailed timeline, from the arrival of my character to the end of the book and it’s really helping me to see where certain sections would fit as well as making me see if my plans for both the story and characters are realistic. I’m really feeling my story build as I carry on each day and enjoying feeling it come to life. I’m now only beginning to see what my main sections are, and as I type up what I already have, where these words would also fit. There will be some of course that don’t make the cut, but for now, it’s just about getting it all down and then I can start the mammoth task of sorting and editing it all. And despite some ups and down, both in writing  and my personal life, I’m working to channel my emotions into my writing and my characters, making a positive from a negative, which can never be a bad thing. And talking of things, I made the most of a snow day (as I couldn’t go to work) and spent the majority of it writing. Well typing really, but I have still so many handwritten words to commit to type, that I felt it was an excellent use of the unexpected time that I had. I hand write at all other times, so the typing has somewhat fallen behind (still working from notebook 6, but scribbling in number 8, which is nearly full!) and it works for me as a way to keep all my words and ideas in one place and see what things I’ve already done, as well as what I like and don’t like, much like creating some kind of second draft, following the handwritten first. It may sound like a slow and laborious way of doing things, but it works for me.

I’m constantly inspired by the books that I read- the style, genre and the similar settings and ideas to my own novel. But I don’t see it as copying, just gleaning the thoughts and interweaving them into my story, to be told in my own way. There will always be stories similar to the one that you are trying to tell, but it’s how I will tell my story that is important. And I strongly believe that everything I read is helping me to become a better writer and motivate me to continue with my own story.

‘If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time- or the tools- to write. Simple as that.’  Stephen King

So with that in mind, I need to stop looking back and think about moving forwards. A new year is approaching, a clean slate. And that’s what I want to keep doing, moving forwards. Both in my writing and in life in general. No going backwards or harking back to the past, it won’t help. So, looking forward to 2018, what do I hope? Well, to finally finish my first draft for one. I have moved on so much this year, as I have since starting my novel, however many years ago. And I will get there. Much like I said last year, it might take a little longer than 12 months, but that’s okay. As long as I continue to write. For the first time, I now feel that it is becoming whole and I can see everything much better than I could, even just a few months ago. So maybe my goal is moving closer, only time will tell. Here is to a much clearer 2018, all round!

‘Write. Writing is what makes a writer, nothing more and nothing less.’

‘Above all keep on writing and don’t give up.’

November 2017- Seeing the wood for the trees

You don’t put yourself in what you write, you find yourself there’

Feeling that is becoming even more of a prominent statement for me, especially recently.  I’ve been thinking a lot  about my life, where I’m going, what am I am doing or indeed want to do? It certainly has an impact on my wellbeing and there has certainly been moments where its affected my writing if I’ve been unhappy or unmotivated with what essentially I spend most hours of my day doing. But writing (at the moment, long may it continue) is my one happy place. But whilst it cannot be a full time endeavour, I need to find something that makes me feel happy (ish) in a similar way or I am in danger of sliding down a slippery slope which I don’t want in either aspect. I just wish I had an inkling of what direction I should be heading, as currently a little disenchanted! Or maybe I’m in the right place, just the wrong job as I feel inspired by sitting amongst the students in the library?! Only time will tell, but I just want to be careful in protecting my writing.

 I’m feeling positive with where I am at the moment, having had a few strong weeks of writing, both new scribbles as well as typing up the original words.  I’ve been focusing  on particular sections and building the story and certainly written more than I have in a long while, consistently at least, and I can say for the whole of the month! I really feel that I’m becoming a part of my words and created world and that is a lovely feeling. So as instructed by Miranda Dickinson, who remains a constant source of inspiration for me, maybe I should be changing the name of this blog to ‘actually I am a writer now’! I am only just starting to believe that as I continue on my writing journey.

‘Write your first draft with your heart and re-write with your head. The best key to writing is to write, not to think’ Finding Forrester

And that’s just what I’m doing. So I’m bound to have the one day where things don’t seem to go to plan and the idea that I began with isn’t forming itself how I would like it to, but I’m still writing! Okay, so I may not be happy with what I’ve just scribbled every time, but at the stage I’m at, its about getting the rough skeleton down onto paper, to be reworked and built on later, so I will try and allow myself the odd off day, that let it be okay. That’s one of the reasons I continue to keep my writing log, which I started about a year ago now. It gives me something to look back on, especially on one of those particular days, and see just what I’ve achieved. The number of notebooks full of ideas and words is also testament to just how far I’ve come (or is my writing too big, as I work on number 8?) . With over 70,000 words currently typed up- both ideas to work on and more established scenes- with lots more still to do and ideas still surfacing as I write, maybe I’m doing something right then? This novel is the most I’ve ever written for anything, and that is a both a strange and exciting feeling.

Of course, there is still lots of work to be done. I’ve been looking back as I type and in previous notebooks to see where I’ve started to work on particular scenes, and later where I have revisited the same ideas.  Its proof to me that I do have good ideas, but I now need to bring the words together, or my novel will become a lot of repetition of certain sections and forgetting about others! I need the time to really look at what I’ve already written and catch up on my typing if this is going to work moving forward. But at least I’m aware of what needs to be done and the ways any issues can be resolved, I’m starting to see the novel as a whole now, which is more that I could say a few months ago. I just had to find my way and be patient. And by working on particular sections, using a draft plan I have drawn up, I finally feel I can ‘see the wood for the trees’ and am becoming much more focused as a writer.

As I continue on my journey of becoming a writer, I’ve become a more critical reader. Whilst still enjoying a majority of the books I read, I can also see and know where I want my writing to be in comparison, how I want it to read and where I fit in. I think this has been an important learning curve and step. So I will continue to read more widely and broadening my horizons, letting writers inspire me in different ways.

‘If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.’ Stephen King

Re-read my blog post from this time last year and realising that although I might still be saying very similar things a year on, I absolutely feel  that I’ve come on further in both my writing and my journey. I can’t believe that I’ve been writing this blog now for three years which means my novel has taken even longer! But I’m still moving ever forwards and who knows, maybe 2018 will be the year for me?

‘Every day is a good day’ Henry Fraser

‘Write what you can discover’ Loretta Milan

A Writer’s life

Mind whirring

Fingers twitching

Hair pulling

Foot tapping

Tired eyes

Blank page

Pencil poised

Never still

Ideas flying

Words brewing

Notebooks full

Inspiration lurking

Keys tapping

Rambling thoughts

Mental block

Showing up

Magic happens

Story created

Writers life.

October 2017- Writing for Wellbeing

With so many weekends away in the last month, it would have been easy to become too distracted and leave the writing to one side. But actually, I’ve found quite the opposite. It is the one thing getting me through some days, particularly in the week as work is so quiet. And I couldn’t be more grateful for such a constructive distraction. And I strongly believe that by allowing myself to be creative and use my time better, rather than feeling down, I am happier which I wouldn’t have believed of myself, especially at such a funny time. I’m learning that by writing, it is better for my own well being and staying positive. Like knowing how to come back from an off day, as despite my new found positivity, I still have them, but not letting it drag on into the next day, or the rest of the week. Knowing not to push myself when no good will come out of it. Move on! I’m fed up of feeling guilty so I’m not doing it anymore (or at least trying not to). I’m taking the time to note even the smallest positive, by continuing with my happy jar and writing log. And to keep showing up, whatever day I might be having. By doing things in my own way I will get there, however long it takes. In the words of a fellow writer, every day I write the book.

And I am, whilst finding my own way in the process. I re-acquaint myself with the comments from both friends and professionals regularly, in a bid to spur me on. I have taken on board all the advice given to me by those who know best, and I am more grateful than they will ever know for the support and help, but I now need to take some responsibility and write in my own style. And if that means without a plan as such, then so be it. I feel I am too far in now to try and see it all. I will continue as a I am, letting the story come to me as I write and look at the bigger picture when I feel I’ve reached an end point as such. Only as I order all my jumbled ideas, will I be able to see what fits where and just how much I already have. Then I can see the gaps and fill them in as needed, maybe even come up with an outline of basics. There are still so many ideas to discover and words to type. But practice has allowed me also to see how I would do things differently next time, so I am still learning!

By looking back over what I’ve written the day before, not only do I give myself a starting point for the day, I’m also reminding myself  that at least I am writing. Sometimes I am pleased with the words and where they are taking me, and sometimes not. As I keep saying, a little something is better than a whole lot of nothing, and that mantra is certainly doing its job! In between the scribbling, I’m also taking some time to type my scrawled words, and that in itself is continuing to be both useful and imperative, in moving forward and ensuring that everything is in one place. There is so much that I’ve forgotten about, and ideas still to be explored. And funnily enough, the more I write or indeed type, the clearer the overall is becoming, in some areas anyway!

But there have been other small positives too. I’ve taken a bit of time out to read a writing book, making notes in my lunch breaks rather than writing, and it gave me the time to take a step back and have some valuable thinking time, see where  am going, as well as pointers to help me get there. Plus make me realise that I missed my writing time! In the same vein, I have columns still to write as well as a short story competition that I wouldn’t mind entering, and I really believe that taking just a small break from the somewhat heavy stuff can be just what is required, as long as I don’t forget to go back to it. Surely then being able to see things with a fresh pair of eyes cannot be a bad thing?!

Seeing and noticing the little things. Something we don’t often give ourselves the time to do. But everything around you can be used somewhere if only we give ourselves the opportunity to look. It fits with my style of writing whatever comes into my head, but also seeing where it could possibly fit. Where as I said before that I find noise too distracting and felt that I wrote better with silence, I’m now beginning to think differently. I’m learning to write in a different way, using all the inspiration surrounding me, particularly when thinking about other characters and building their stories. And that goes for using music too, especially when I need something to help me focus and keep me motivated, particularly when attempting to get going. In much the same way that writing is helping with my well being, music is just as important. And so I am finding my writing mojo again as it flickers in and out, but just trying to hang onto it for as long as I can, at least until I get to the end of this seemingly never ending first draft!

September 2017- Keeping the faith

‘Be our strength in hours of weakness, in our wanderings be our guide; through endeavour, failure, danger, Father be thou at our side’

A bit heavy for some, but the words just spoke to me as I sang them during a Sunday service. I need to have more faith in my faith, in myself and it will help me through. For some this will be achieved in another way, but whatever your preference, the simple message is the same, keep the faith.  And that’s not to say that it doesn’t test me, but I’ve hung onto the hope and it seems to be working. For example, by learning to write off a bad day and start again tomorrow. I can’t force myself all the time, however hard I try. And I know and have found that the best words come when I take some of that pressure off, when I’m not overthinking. Feeling you have to rather than you want to will result in crap, or worse, nothing. And so you end up feeling like somewhat of a ‘useless article.’ When I have the time to work on things, a quieter weekend for a change and then achieve nothing (in the writing sense). So what kind of writer does that make me?? A failed one or one just having a bit of struggle with it all? I think it just makes me normal. And maybe I needed that low moment and a few tears to get it out of my system, for now at least. And so things have looked up since then. Now I sit down with no preconceived ideas each time therefore not setting myself up to fail in the first place. Then I am grateful for anything that comes, however small.

As a member of our congregation struggles to fight her cancer, we are all left praying for her and her family, her two young children. And whilst we are all sad, she is also an inspiration. She still has life left in her, despite everything. So through my tears, I’ve learnt from her. I need to be kinder to myself. Life really is too short to worry myself over little things, that it is important to make the most of your days, to chase and follow your dreams. And I feel grateful, for all that I do have, and the ability to follow my dreams, however long it takes. Its about being honest with myself and dealing with whatever life throws at you in the best way that you can. Thank you Sarah.

This blog in itself is a great achievement. Each month I sit down to write my rambling thoughts from a few typed notes on my phone and am always surprised by the end product. It is great to see just how many people read my words each time, although I’m not sure why sometimes. I suppose it’s the fact that despite not getting any comments, I feel that I’m hopefully speaking to others like me and certainly can’t sniff at nearly 100 views in just one day of publishing (July). I wrote over 1300 words in just over an hour. That’s proof that I can write, and well, when I have the motivation and the right prompts! Letting my mind run as I do when I write up my blog, using only simple notes, it’s an idea I need to put in place for my novel.

And there have been other positives too. I have a whole wealth of books on writing, and although I’ve read some of them, it’s easy to forget everything you’ve learnt when you’ve finished reading the whole book. But now, its knowing where I can dip in for a chapter, a paragraph on something, lets say like plot and structure (I know, still harping on about it!), and then pick up from where I’ve left off with that little push of motivation.  And that goes for various blogs, columns, articles that I find online or in a magazine. Just reading someone else’s words speaking to you, can give that much needed confidence boost (thanks Psychologies!). And finally the support from friends, both online and physically is very much appreciated, coming at just the right time, and is so important. Writing as we all know can become quite a solitary task and the support is certainly invaluable to keep you going, especially when things don’t seem so great.

And the actual writing? Well, I’ve tried to make the most of what nice weather we have had (not as much as we would have liked) to sit outside and write. I’ve certainly found there to be less distractions, especially as campus has been quiet. It is obviously what I need to concentrate, so I don’t think I’d make a café writer! I’m inspired by the outside world too, in a way that I can’t seem to get when sitting indoors. But as term starts again and the seasons drawn in, I will have to think of other ideas, places to go. Maybe typing straight onto a PC rather than my notebook scribbles? Or sitting in the car. I just want to find a way that works best for me. Talking of typing, I’ve have spent some time typing up some of my scribbles- 5 out of 7 notebooks now recorded. And I have to say it was another boost to the confidence. Looking at the forgotten gems and ideas, that my writing is actually okay, and I feel good about it. I’m seeing the typing as almost the second draft, adding in notes and lines or words as I go along, making my handwritten scribbles like the first draft. It’s working, in my own way and its at least a chance to take a small step back and familiarise myself with the story I’m trying to tell and just how far I’ve come. And something else I’ve learnt, albeit the hard way, is not to measure my performance each day, not in the way you think at least. If I compare each day by the amount I’ve written, it’s not always reflective of the achievement. As well as words on a page, thinking time is just as valuable. I have flurries until the words seemingly run dry for that section, at least just for a short while. But I’m getting into the habit of attempting to follow my random thoughts and am continually surprised where my pencil can take me. If one thread dries up, working on something else until I’m ready to come back to where I left off. And so far, it seems to be working, and I am feeling a lot more positive this month.  That goes for my newspaper column too. I was beginning to think about giving it up, that it was becoming a chore rather than something I enjoyed writing, but have since had a build-up of new ideas, so maybe I’ll carry on for a few months more. Funny how things work out…

#Don’tGiveUp

August 2017- Post-Holiday Blues

And so I’m back and yes, as the subject suggests, very much feeling the post-holiday blues. The weeks leading up to going away were seemingly going well, or so I thought. And they were. I was getting words on the page and feeling pleased that my ideas seemed to be taking shape as I wrote larger chunks of the novel, quite often carrying on from where I’d left off the day before, building each time I opened my notebook and picked up my pencil. But yet the nagging thoughts just won’t leave. The more that I scribble, the ideas come. But am I trying to over complicate my novel by trying to have too many threads and ideas? Whilst seemingly all good thoughts, will they all work together? I suppose I won’t really know until I look into each one in more detail. More and more I’m trying, and not always succeeding  to take a small step back to attempt to see what it is I’m doing.

The holiday in some way allowed me to do that. Did I achieve all that I wanted? I don’t know, but I had a good time all the same! There were lots of visits made to new places and it was just what was needed, to be surrounded by the inspiration that I craved. It also opened my eyes a little. One such visit was made to Mousehole as well as Penzance, which were to be the original locations in which my novel was to be set. Since then, my ideas have changed slightly, using a variety of places to inspire my fictional location, and whilst I loved all the visits that we made, I’m glad now to have made that decision and not waited until now to really get a feel for the place.  And there was further inspiration to be discovered waiting in St Ives, Porthcurno, Falmouth and Helford so I was spoilt for choice. It was a lovely feeling to see the real places, like my words coming to life. But on the downside, I didn’t write as much as I thought I would, or hoped as I was too busy being on holiday. I suppose that’s inevitable, unless you make a specific research trip. But I have all my photos and memories, so in theory, lots to keep me inspired.

But that’s sadly where I’m now struggling. I’ve been back a couple of weeks and been trying to get my mojo back now that I’m back to the reality of life. I remembered how much I achieved last year after we got back and was hoping for the same again. There have been moments where I’m starting to see now where the story is taking better shape now that the focus seems to be in the right place. But I still need to have a basic outline written down, not only so I can see where I’m going, but also giving me direction as to what I should or could be working on each day. Shutting my eyes and letting it all become clear in front of me, where things fit and what still needs to be done. My danger is thinking too hard. And that’s when it all becomes mixed up and I overthink everything. I need to take the pressure off. And that’s where I seem to still be going wrong. I’m still beating myself up, practically every day if I don’t think I’ve done enough in the time that I have available to me. A fantastic holiday and then on the first day back to reality, I’m not sure where all the inspiration has gone. A wasted evening when I could have been writing and for the most part, achieved nothing. I’m on the verge of tears and yet I still can’t seem to motivate myself to let the words come. Am I just expecting too much? We all have bad days right? But I just feel recently that this is happening too much, that I’m letting myself get distracted too easily. And there my problem lies.  Looking back on that night, I did actually achieve something, and although I may not have thought it much at the time, it was better than nothing. But I’m feeling very frustrated by the ups and downs of writing and the feeling stuck.  I had hoped, like I’ve said, that the holiday would bring on a flurry of writing as it did before. And whilst there has been some, which I shouldn’t turn my nose up at, there is not as much as I would like. I struggle with finding a routine that works for me, and when I do have the time, using that whole session in which to write and not get distracted. My head is just too muddled. So I really need to start taking some of my own advice.

I’ve been continuing, in fits and starts, to free write on my novel and that has been a positive in that I continue to discover my story as I just let the words flow. But it also throws up questions along the way that I don’t yet have the answers to. Would most of these be answered if I had completed some kind of plan? More than likely, or at least some of them. And I keep saying it. Its something that I both want and need to do before I lose myself completely. And yet I still struggle to even begin, to try and break down in my mind in order to translate it onto paper. Should it be that hard?? Probably not, but why can’t I just see it clearly? As much as I don’t want to stop writing, given that the free writing works during my lunch breaks, and can be done wherever, I need to stop and take a proper step back, look at what I’ve done so far and see what I can do with it. Maybe then, I will be able to see even clearer just what story I am trying to tell.  No more excuses, I need to set aside a specific time in which to sit down and really get my teeth into it and only then will I feel better.

I realise that I have done a lot of ranting and moaning, considering the wonderful and inspirational holiday that I was lucky enough to go on. But given time ( things never come when you want them too, when you are waiting), I will get my mojo back and the mist will hopefully clear. And there are other things that I’ve learnt too. A writer must always be an avid reader and I certainly adhere to this. I’ve been reading different styles of books recently and found that I have been both inspired as well as critical, which in turn has helped me to discover myself more as a writer as well as slowly finding my own voice. And I’m hoping to find a soundtrack to my writing too, music that will also help to inspire. It’s a work in progress.

And so I end with some hope. There is still work to be done, as always, but I know I can do it, if I just give myself a little more credit. Yes, the first draft still needs to be finished, but I’m the one setting the deadlines at this stage, so they are not unmovable. I need to be more realistic about what I can achieve, but also stick to my routine. It’s all there, if only I take the opportunities that are offered to me. So what if the first draft has taken a few years to write, isn’t that normal for a first time novelist and better that I put out there the best that I can, right? I’m the only one who can tell my story.

July 2017- Keep Showing Up….

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing! It is a simple but extremely effective piece of advice, and one that I’m certainly living by, so thank you to Rowan Coleman! I am constantly being inspired and motivated by other writers, and I need to have that same belief in myself that I find in them. So here goes…. I AM a Writer, right now, thank you! (thanks Miranda Dickinson, yet again!!)

‘Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer.’ Alan W Watts

And so I am, writing that is. Okay, so there are days when I’ve been writing blindly with no real sense of direction, but a little something is surely better than a whole lot of nothing? I just need to keep trying to remember that. I have the desire to write, but no real plan, and perhaps that’s where I am lacking a little. That I need to have a some kind of plan, or an idea each time I sit down to write, maybe a note as I finish the previous paragraph as to my thoughts for the next part. At least it would help me to focus. A bit late to the party I know, but if I’ve learnt nothing else, its that you have to do these things at your own speed and realisation. So that’s what I’ve been doing quite a bit of this month, and the notebook (number 6!) is quickly filling up as I build on the part of the story that I decide to work on each day. That may be the same for a couple of days, slowing bringing things to life. Or it may be a  new idea that I feel the need to scribble and work on. Whatever, the main positive is that there are words on the page, or pages! And its been working well, as I sit down and quickly scan over where I’ve stop the previous day or session , and then begin to throw myself into what happens next. It’s been a while since I’ve worked like that, but it feels good. Like I’m slightly less disjointed, as I write and new ideas and thoughts come in as I work on a particular section.

But there is still very much a need to have some kind of outline, however rough so that I can see where I’m going. I spent a long time writing large chunks of what I now know is really the back story for my main character. But I don’t feel that the time was wasted. Along with the character outlines that I’ve been working on more recently, they have helped me to understand my characters fully, and see where the heart of my novel really is, and to begin the work on focusing on that instead. I’m learning things the hard way, but I am happy to be constantly learning, I just want to get it right and I know it is making me into a better writer too. I have all the ideas, I just need to continue putting them into practice and not let the fear that I can’t do it hold me back. And so that means going back to my synopsis yet again. The last re-write was too long and detailed and I felt I was getting a little lost, focusing on the wrong things. So I will be looking at again, through fresh eyes, and trying to make it the best I can, to give me the bare bones that I so desperately need to help me. Again, constantly learning.

‘Be brave and finish your story’ Miranda Dickinson

Like I said before, I feel I owe so much to the writers that I have had the great pleasure of getting to know. Just by one small sentence, they help me enormously.  Being brave is what writing is all about. Having that confidence in what you want to write and then sharing it with others, and the motivation to keep showing up each time, even if you don’t know how things will go. You need to overcome the fear in each moment and be the best version of yourself. ‘Life is a series of random events, some you win and some you lose’ And that’s okay, just so long as you don’t let the losses define how you move forward.  I’ve been working on typing up some of my scribbles alongside adding more to my notebook, and I’ve realised just how much my thought process is constantly changing. There are parts that I’ve written that I now don’t like and others that I do, that I’ve forgotten about. But for now, I just need to get it ALL down. The editing will come later. But how do you stop the new ideas filtering in and letting them change the course of the story that I’m trying to tell?  I still don’t know the answer to this, but once I have a better outline for my novel, maybe I will be able to filter these things better, see how they don’t fit with my current plan. My honest opinion is that even the best laid plans have chinks in them and I would love to hear from an author that hasn’t amended their novel in some way as they’ve gone along, that the end product differs from the initial idea, even in a small way. And that can only mean a better story right?

‘But when you re-read your writing, and even though it’s not perfect, it’s your own story and that’s kind of amazing’

And so as the month ends, I have lots to be positive about. I’ve written more that I’d expected, it makes sense and there is plenty more where that came from.  I’m proving to myself that I have it in me to make the best use of my time and just want can be achieved in that time, however small. I feel like I’m getting into the swing of things again, after a period of wandering a little aimlessly. I just started a new job at work, and I am certain that it is helping me with my writing. I feel happier and am a lot more focused in that respect, which seems to be rubbing off elsewhere, so long may it continue! There is a lot that I’ve said  I will do in terms of knocking this novel into shape over the last few months and many have yet to be started. But at least the ideas are there, even if only in the early stages. Now I just need a large chuck of time to put things into action. Excuses again, I know, but life does have a habit of getting in the way, when you are not fortunate to be able to write full time. But I’m off on holibobs in just a matter of days, to Cornwall and I already have some thoughts of what I can gain from this much needed break in terms of my writing. I have a list scribbled, with may be more to be added, and I can already feel that by just being in the place that I need to be in terms of location, it can only have a positive effect. I want to use the time to really become my story and see it more clearly, the valuable thinking time that I am so desperately lacking. I try to close my eyes each time I sit down to write and transport myself there, into the world that I’m trying to create, much like I feel each time I pick up a book to read. So just physically being there, can only help me to move further forward still, I can’t wait!