And so I’m back and
yes, as the subject suggests, very much feeling the post-holiday blues. The
weeks leading up to going away were seemingly going well, or so I thought. And
they were. I was getting words on the page and feeling pleased that my ideas
seemed to be taking shape as I wrote larger chunks of the novel, quite often
carrying on from where I’d left off the day before, building each time I opened
my notebook and picked up my pencil. But yet the nagging thoughts just won’t
leave. The more that I scribble, the ideas come. But am I trying to over
complicate my novel by trying to have too many threads and ideas? Whilst
seemingly all good thoughts, will they all work together? I suppose I won’t
really know until I look into each one in more detail. More and more I’m
trying, and not always succeeding to take
a small step back to attempt to see what it is I’m doing.
The holiday in some
way allowed me to do that. Did I achieve all that I wanted? I don’t know, but I
had a good time all the same! There were lots of visits made to new places and
it was just what was needed, to be surrounded by the inspiration that I craved.
It also opened my eyes a little. One such visit was made to Mousehole as well
as Penzance, which were to be the original locations in which my novel was to
be set. Since then, my ideas have changed slightly, using a variety of places
to inspire my fictional location, and whilst I loved all the visits that we
made, I’m glad now to have made that decision and not waited until now to
really get a feel for the place. And
there was further inspiration to be discovered waiting in St Ives, Porthcurno,
Falmouth and Helford so I was spoilt for choice. It was a lovely feeling to see
the real places, like my words coming to life. But on the downside, I didn’t
write as much as I thought I would, or hoped as I was too busy being on
holiday. I suppose that’s inevitable, unless you make a specific research trip.
But I have all my photos and memories, so in theory, lots to keep me inspired.
But that’s sadly
where I’m now struggling. I’ve been back a couple of weeks and been trying to
get my mojo back now that I’m back to the reality of life. I remembered how
much I achieved last year after we got back and was hoping for the same again.
There have been moments where I’m starting to see now where the story is taking
better shape now that the focus seems to be in the right place. But I still
need to have a basic outline written down, not only so I can see where I’m
going, but also giving me direction as to what I should or could be working on
each day. Shutting my eyes and letting it all become clear in front of me,
where things fit and what still needs to be done. My danger is thinking too
hard. And that’s when it all becomes mixed up and I overthink everything. I need
to take the pressure off. And that’s where I seem to still be going wrong. I’m
still beating myself up, practically every day if I don’t think I’ve done
enough in the time that I have available to me. A fantastic holiday and then on
the first day back to reality, I’m not sure where all the inspiration has gone.
A wasted evening when I could have been writing and for the most part, achieved
nothing. I’m on the verge of tears and yet I still can’t seem to motivate
myself to let the words come. Am I just expecting too much? We all have bad
days right? But I just feel recently that this is happening too much, that I’m
letting myself get distracted too easily. And there my problem lies. Looking back on that night, I did actually
achieve something, and although I may not have thought it much at the time, it
was better than nothing. But I’m feeling very frustrated by the ups and downs
of writing and the feeling stuck. I had
hoped, like I’ve said, that the holiday would bring on a flurry of writing as
it did before. And whilst there has been some, which I shouldn’t turn my nose
up at, there is not as much as I would like. I struggle with finding a routine
that works for me, and when I do have the time, using that whole session in
which to write and not get distracted. My head is just too muddled. So I really
need to start taking some of my own advice.
I’ve been
continuing, in fits and starts, to free write on my novel and that has been a
positive in that I continue to discover my story as I just let the words flow.
But it also throws up questions along the way that I don’t yet have the answers
to. Would most of these be answered if I had completed some kind of plan? More
than likely, or at least some of them. And I keep saying it. Its something that
I both want and need to do before I lose myself completely. And yet I still
struggle to even begin, to try and break down in my mind in order to translate
it onto paper. Should it be that hard?? Probably not, but why can’t I just see
it clearly? As much as I don’t want to stop writing, given that the free
writing works during my lunch breaks, and can be done wherever, I need to stop and
take a proper step back, look at what I’ve done so far and see what I can do
with it. Maybe then, I will be able to see even clearer just what story I am
trying to tell. No more excuses, I need
to set aside a specific time in which to sit down and really get my teeth into
it and only then will I feel better.
I realise that I
have done a lot of ranting and moaning, considering the wonderful and
inspirational holiday that I was lucky enough to go on. But given time ( things
never come when you want them too, when you are waiting), I will get my mojo
back and the mist will hopefully clear. And there are other things that I’ve
learnt too. A writer must always be an avid reader and I certainly adhere to
this. I’ve been reading different styles of books recently and found that I
have been both inspired as well as critical, which in turn has helped me to
discover myself more as a writer as well as slowly finding my own voice. And I’m
hoping to find a soundtrack to my writing too, music that will also help to
inspire. It’s a work in progress.
And so I end with
some hope. There is still work to be done, as always, but I know I can do it,
if I just give myself a little more credit. Yes, the first draft still needs to
be finished, but I’m the one setting the deadlines at this stage, so they are
not unmovable. I need to be more realistic about what I can achieve, but also
stick to my routine. It’s all there, if only I take the opportunities that are
offered to me. So what if the first draft has taken a few years to write, isn’t
that normal for a first time novelist and better that I put out there the best
that I can, right? I’m the only one who can tell my story.
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