December 2016- Another year ends….

And so we’ve reached the end (almost) of another year, and as is common for most of us, I’m feeling very reflective and looking back over what kind of year it has been and making those resolutions to take forward to the next, see if my worries and goals have changed since January. More often than not, they haven’t. I know it’s silly and may seem irrelevant almost, but for me it’s an important task and I have every good intention to follow each through to try and achieve them, even if it takes longer than 12 months. It is what keeps me focused and helps me to move forward.  I have this constant feeling of doubt that seems to follow me everywhere, like a chain around my neck. It nags away at me, that I’m not good enough, that I can’t achieve even the smallest dream I may have, that I will be stuck this way for ever. Some days I squash it down and rise above it, but some days it can take over and I’m left feeling almost bereft and thoroughly useless. A bit like today really. And I need to push through that, find a good place again. So that’s why I have to have resolutions and small goals. So what if they are the same if not similar to the previous year, that doesn’t mean that they can’t be achieved. It ‘s a small way of proving to myself that I can rise above the doubt and work towards my goals.  Sorry, enough of the cliches, but I feel I needed to share my thoughts, and it’s always at this time of year that I have the capacity to really think and reflect.  And now to share what the last month has brought me.

Well, not as much as I’d originally hoped! At the start of the month I was still continuing to write from where I’d left off before, and I was pleased that the ideas and words were flowing, but started to feel that I was floundering around a little, unclear of where I was headed. See that self doubt again… I feel the time may have come (and I know I keep saying this and I’ve yet to actually complete the task) to try and at least plan a little, and after being nearly half way on the overall word count, a little overdue! I will continue to write as the words come (and that doesn’t seem to have been as often as I would have liked over the last few weeks) but work on trying to see the bigger picture as feel this has been lost in the flurry recently. Maybe a little time away from the novel is what is needed, in order to regroup my thoughts and ideas, just not too long I hope!

The last year has been tough, on a personal level, and when  some things feel unsure, unsteady and I don’t know what to do, the only thing that keeps me going is my writing and books. It’s my place to hide, to be something else, even just for a little while. And that’s why I get so frustrated when it doesn’t happen. December. A month where everything else seems to take over and there never seems to be enough time to write and when there is, my mind is too full of reality. It has been an up and down month in the end, so not quite what I had hoped. Recording the small positives each day has stopped me getting too down about it and also my writing log, even one thing is better than nothing and it has been good to stop and think about new short story ideas in a bid to spark writing inspiration. But invariably however hard I try, I can’t force things and the busy-ness of the month coupled with another few days of illness meaning I wasn’t myself, have meant that I haven’t done as much as I would have liked.  But I’m learning, slowly, to try and make the most out of what I have, I’m fed up of feeling fed up. Can I do what I love as a job? Maybe eventually, when I work out what that is, but not yet. Therefore I have to do what makes me happy and find something in what I have to do that I can at least enjoy, keeping all the options open. Things happen for a reason and when the time is right.

‘Love your life. Celebrate and embrace each moment because no-one else can do it for you’ 

Donald Duck

‘Put your faith in what you believe in.’

During the flashes of inspiration and positivity, I just wish I could bottle it up and store it, to use for the not so good moments, to give the little push that I need. The buzz that other things, even something such as a television show can give you, make you think, open your mind, make you wonder why you didn’t think like that before. So I may not have been writing as much as I would have liked over the last few weeks, but I’ve learnt that ‘creative time’ is not just about writing, but crafting too, and whether ideas or actual things, can all help to build the right mood. And I have enjoyed getting back into craft again, it’s good to have lots of different things that you enjoy doing, to help free the mind and prevent suffocation. Sitting in the library one lunch time. I was inspired by some students around me, working hard and I had a productive break. Whilst I sometimes long for those days again, I know I have to move on, look to the future and where I am now. But I was glad to be inspired and it was a good place to sit and write and even catch some ideas. 

I’ve started a short story idea that I’m hoping to use for two competitions, so looking forward to seeing where it goes and that I get it finished on time, especially given my lack of enthusiasm for writing recently. Saying that, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything other than my novel (and a few columns) so it has been refreshing and I hope (when I get back into the swing of things) that it will break down the small wall that I seem to have hit on my novel. It’s been a busy time of year all round and I’ve struggled some days to have the time as well as inclination to write. But then looking back has been useful here too. I can see that actually I have achieved things over the last year, some of which I’ve forgotten about, particularly writing so reason to celebrate and I’m looking forward and planning for the next 12 months. Did I give myself an unrealistic deadline by which to get my first draft done (by the end of this month). Probably, but I don’t really know. Sometimes you  just can’t tell what the future will throw at you.  So, have plenty to think about and work on for the year ahead, and I’m looking forward to it!

‘The pursuit of awesome’

Back where I need to be... finding my place...

‘A moment to dream….’

November 2016- 'Scribbled Thoughts'

I’m proud to say that it’s been a good month and the little bit of writing done just four or so short weeks ago continued for a majority of November so I’m feeling good! (so I promise not to be as negative in this post…)

Given that I felt I’d written a good amount, I thought that typing it up and adding everything to my expanding first draft would be useful, a chance to have all my words in one place. And as I was coming towards the end of of the notebook, it seemed a good time. It has been quite a realisation, that I’ve written much more than I thought and also that what is there, isn’t bad. When I’m going through one of my negative moments, and am finding it hard to write, I tend to forget all that I’ve done before and I need to try and not put a downer on that, celebrate the small victories. Okay, so I may not use all of what I’ve written in the long run, but they are all good ideas and not to be wasted, just getting that first draft written! Looking back on how much I’ve done since starting my novel over, I was surprised to find that I’ve done just over 30,000 words since I started to rewrite (out of the just over 48,000 noted) and having typed up as far as I’d got, found that I had 7,696 words just from this one notebook, and there is still more to be typed. So with all my scribbles, I’m nearly halfway there, and that is exciting stuff!  I have to say that I’m pleased with some of it too, although sorting it all out into some kind of order will be a huge task. Its one thing writing that 100,000 words (when I get there), but quite another to craft those words, sentences, paragraphs  and chapters into something that makes sense, joining it all up. That’s when the real fear will set in.

I’ve been working hard on setting aside time to write, and how best to use that time each day, depending on my mood and various other factors. Despite reading a quote that writing is not typing, I can’t say I agree. Writing by hand as I do, it means I can lose track of how much I’ve done. By spending some of my writing time typing, I can record all those thoughts and have also found that new ideas come up as I type, meaning my writing can continue, especially on those days when I’ve hit a bit of a wall. Typing allows me to collate everything in one place, build up a whole picture as well as generating new words along the way. But something else the quote shared was that researching, contemplating, composing in your head and with revisions along the way is writing, so that makes me feel better as I come to understand the whole process!

I’ve started a writing log using the memo app on my phone which I’m finding so useful. On those days when I feel I haven’t done much, I can see that I’ve done better than I thought. It maybe some ideas from the book that I’m currently reading, or the start of a new column, but it all adds up, it all has a meaning to my writing and how I’m developing as a writer. It’s important to note the small achievements each day and good to realise just how much I am doing over the course of a week or month. And looking back, its not been a bad month overall! Its also about knowing when to stop, for example when I have an evening in which to write, to be in a good place for both me and my writing, and I’m attempting to stop beating myself up, a paragraph or just one line of writing is better than nothing at all.

It was commented on recently how I hand write everything rather than use my laptop or some other device and type straight away. But I just find it easier and more comforting to have a physical notebook on me at all times, plus my laptop is just too big to carry around! I could invest, and maybe I will at some point, in something more, but what I have serves me well and there’s something old fashioned, yet exhilarating about filling the pages of a notebook with words and then when you do get round to typing them up, finding out just how much you’ve actually done.  And I’m learning that one of the hardest, but ultimately most rewarding things about writing is that you have to work out for yourself who and what you are as a writer, and how you yourself work best. And that leads me nicely on to tell you about something else I’ve been looking at this month. I’ve been listening to various podcasts and vlogs from other writers to keep me inspired whilst at work, listening and making notes (and working too!). And by doing that I’m finding that I can then be more focused (most of the time) on work and then my writing when it comes to my hour lunch break. So a big thank you this month to Miranda Dickinson, Cesca Major and Sarah Painter! J

This month has been very much about just getting words down on the page and I feel I’ve definitely achieved that, and so now its about moving forward and trying to get my elusive first draft done before my writing retreat/ course in March. I’m onto my forth notebook for my novel, which I find quite inspiring, so many words and ideas now and still more to come! To quote Miranda again, I’m making plans, finding out what I can control and ignoring what I can’t #staysparkly and its a good mantra to have, as well as ‘reading inspires me to write better.’ I’ve been making notes from the various novels that I’ve been reading, which in turn is sparking new ideas and inspiration for my own writing. But as always, it’s a bit of both for me too, as I just love to read! As I look on social media, in my gathering of thoughts, I’ve been seeing lots of pictures of other authors writing spaces. I know I keep going on about it, but I see then what I need, if only I had the space- a bigger desk and my own separate room for writing (and storing all my books!). I would love to have somewhere to retreat to, to have more space to spread out and create my own magic, with all that I need around me to inspire me, but at the moment its all a bit of a dream. That’s not to say that one day it won’t become a reality, but for now, I have to make the most out of what I have… I have a desk, now just to get a new chair that isn’t broken, and will hopefully be a bit more comfy!

And as I end the month, with more scribbled thoughts yet to be typed up and lots of ideas to explore, I’m feeling much more hopeful. Its about remembering to have faith, in myself and what I’m doing and the support I have behind me. It’s been an up and down year, but it’s not over yet, and I aim to end on a positive note so I can start next year in the same way. So for now, back to writing!!

October 2016- Lost in Translation?

Despite my best efforts, the uncertainty and frustrations have continued this month and I don’t feel that the effect on my writing has been positive at all. It has been weeks of questions, notes but not much actual writing. To start with I don’t think my current ‘slump’ mood at work has helped. Its affecting my writing, the fact that I can’t just switch off and focus properly on what I say I want to do, its all relative. And when I can’t write, I feel useless. Like I’ve wasted the precious time that I do have. But the words just won’t come, instead the tears of frustration. And It ends with me constantly questioning myself, over everything.

To start with, why do I even do this blog? Sometimes I’m not sure. Do I want people to read it? Well yes, but I don’t think that’s the main reason that I write it. It’s a way for me to record everything- share my experiences and views, as well as thoughts and feelings.  At the start of the year, having spent hours working on my monthly entry, only to have it deleted and having to start over, I took the decision to stop posting. It made me question why I was doing it, and given that not many people seem to be reading the posts, I no longer saw the point. But then I felt like there was a little something missing, that I needed to get all my frustrations out somewhere, share my journey. But it doesn’t stop the constant judgement of myself,  from what others may think and the fear of inferiority. So should all this just be for me instead of everyone else to read?  I would like to think there are others out there who read my words and find it echoes how they are feeling too, much as I get from reading other writer’s articles and posts. That we’re all here to help each other in some way.

So as you can tell, the last few weeks have been very much full of self doubt for most of the time and it just takes over. But as I’ve experienced in the past, it really is amazing what you can achieve when you set your mind to something, and that’s where I seem to be going wrong a lot of the time. My mind is only half on what I want to be doing, finding it hard to switch off and get motivated to write when I don’t feel motivated in anything else. The ideas are there, with lots of notes, but finding it hard to locate the words that need to go with them, to bring them to life. A vicious circle that never seems to end. But isn’t that what life is all about? Getting over the hurdles and celebrating the small victories? Trying to convince myself as I just feel that I moan a lot. It’s like I know I have things to do but no inclination to even begin and I hate it.

But looking back, there have been small positive moments, it’s just I’ve let them get swallowed up with all my negativity. I had a small light bulb moment, when I felt able to see some structure to at least the start of my novel, and how to organise some of what has been written. I’ve yet to actually get going on that particular task, but at least the idea is in the back of my mind, stored for later. Annoyingly I seem to get quite a few ideas when I’m trying to get to sleep, always at odd times! Still that’s why a notebook is never far away. Although I’ve moaned a little about all the notes, they have or will be useful in the future. I’m always surprised by where I get inspiration from. I’ve been watching quite a few ‘real’ programmes, about homes and gardens by the sea, which is opening up new ideas and thoughts that I maybe hadn’t considered before. The same could be said for the books that I’ve been reading, random ideas springing up. I have read some novels purely based on where they are set, thinking that they are the best to help me. But it’s not all about setting, and whilst they have been very useful, other books have to, despite their story and setting.

I’m working on visuals too. I’ve added a number of photos onto my board, which is propped where I can see it in my room. Whilst this is useful when I’m at home, that can’t be said for when I’m trying to write at work, and I spend a lot of time just staring into space, waiting for something to click into place. But that said, the board is still working, with photos of locations mostly to help inspire me, and using Pinterest again more for the same reason, and I can access this on a PC or my phone, so wherever I may be. I just have to be careful that I don’t spend too long pinning and looking at pictures, whilst not allowing them to create their own magic. Something else I hadn’t really considered is other writing. I’m too bothered about trying to get my novel finished, but I could fill the space using other writing to help free my mind, particularly when I’m really struggling and who knows, I might get some new ideas for the novel from it! I just need to have a go at putting that into practice now, especially on the bad days. Something else that has been bothering me is my work space. Even though I’ve tried to make it a nice space in which to sit, I can honestly say that I don’t spend that much time sitting at my desk (I’m writing this whilst sitting on my bed). But I can’t really pinpoint a reason as to why I’m not making the most of the space I have. But maybe that’s what I missing here. As I sit in my room, I’m surrounded by things to inspire me, not just around the desk area, so maybe it’s not about sitting on the chair. (The desk is a little on the small side too, but had to work with the space I had).Its about learning what works best for you.

One of my favourite things this month had to be the chance to attend a publishing event at Hachette. As soon as I entered the building I was excited and knew I was in a good place. It was an amazing evening, with the chance to hear four authors talk about their quite different routes into getting published. Each one had a lot of advice to share and all of it was extremely useful, but one thing that stood out from all of them was finding the time to write each week, which could just be a few hours if that’s all that can be spared.  It certainly made me feel like I wan’t going about it all wrong.We then had the chance to have a workshop with one of the authors as well as an editor from Hachette. To say the whole evening was useful, doesn’t even come close. I came away not only with a bag full of signed books (bonus!) but also having learnt a lot about myself too, as well as what it takes to be a writer. I’m writing the book that I really want to write and I need to continue to have self belief in my idea and get back up, keep trying. And don’t try to write like anyone else (despite being inspired by certain authors), I need to find my own voice.

So with that in mind, I want to share a few things that I have learnt from a couple of authors recently- Miranda Dickinson and Freya North- that have helped to strengthen my resolve to keep working away, and that I’m doing okay. Firstly Freya- a note found at the back of her novel that I’m currently reading- that she doesn’t plot or plan each novel that she writes, instead letting the story unfold as she writes it. I have to say that the books of hers that I have been lucky enough to read have been brilliant, and it has inspired me to just carry on, see where my story takes me and letting it change along the way until I feel it is finished and I’ve said all that I have to say. I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself that I didn’t have a plan before I started writing, and thought that’s what was holding me back. But the only thing doing that is me! So thanks Freya, for instilling some confidence back into me. Miranda on the other hand shared a very interesting article on the ten things that being a writer had taught her, and they really echoed exactly how I was feeling at the time that I read it. You can read the full article here http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/books/miranda-dickinson-searching-for-the-silver-lining-1001215.html#/ixzz4Ncl6KDRs , but I just want to share each of the ten points, and I will certainly be attempting to live by them in my own way, so thank you Miranda!

To love what I do

To be come a fighter

To be my own biggest fan

To write for me, first

To trust my gut

To write whenever, wherever I am

To celebrate everything

To step away from reviews (yet to get to this stage, but noted!)

To be brave

To seek inspiration everywhere

And so to the end of the month, with a little writing! Surprisingly whilst on a trip to Birmingham on the train, I felt inspired and wrote more sense than I felt I’ve done all month, so perhaps all is not lost, and what was needed was a change of scenery and as above, seeking that inspiration from the most random of sources, who knows? But at least I ended the month on more of a positive note and will just see what the next few weeks bring now…

‘It’s okay to start writing even if you don’t have a clear vision of what you’re going to write.’

September 2016- Finding my own way

‘Just like the moons and like suns

With the certainty of tides

Just like hopes springing high

Still I’ll rise.’       

Maya Angelou

After quite a few days off, I felt like I’d lost my way a bit, especially after the flurry following the return from Cornwall, and that has continued in fits and starts for the rest of the last few weeks. But by typing up what I’ve done whilst away and since coming back, as well as using some of my photos, put up where I can see them, I am feeling better and slowly getting back into it. Although it was good to have a break, I do have a life outside writing after all, I just have to be careful not to leave it too long! And there was a huge positive in getting all the scribbles down into one place, as I found that I’d written around 7,500 words over the weeks since the holiday, and have to say I was both amazed and pleased by what I’d achieved in a relatively short space of time and around everything else. Some more has been written since, but yet to be added to the total of over 40,000 words and over 100 pages so well on the way now. But realising what I’m capable of has spurred me on; I just need to take the time to remind myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how I feel when I don’t write. And for most of the time, I spend it hating myself and thinking I’m some kind of failure. But I’m not, I’m just normal. So, they say to be a proper writer you have to write everyday. But the contradiction is to break all the rules. So just what is right? It’s all so confusing. But what I do know, and it’s taken me a lot of beating up to get here, is that you can’t do anything if you’re head isn’t in the right place. Yes I had a good flurry after holiday, and maybe not so much this month, but that will come back, when I’m in the right place, and that means being back in my normal routine. As much as I go on about not being happy at work (and that hasn’t changed much, for the record), I need that routine, having a set time to write to help me. The few days off at the start of the month were good and not wasted, a column and a blog were written, lots of jobs done that I had neglected and the post- holiday scribbles were typed up. So I would say a good use of the time. The rest will come later and I have to remember that. Maybe it becomes easier in time, as you become a more seasoned writer, and getting a novel written is like second nature, but for now I’m still starting out, still learning and I have to learn to do things my way, find my own voice and way of writing. So I will continue to listen to all the advice I’m given or read, take it all on board, but interpret it to suit me, not let it define the writer I want to be. Otherwise I will be forever trapped .I’m fed up of feeling guilty.

And there are small things that I find help along the way. Like carrying a notebook with me at all times. So, I may not write in it, but at least it’s there, just in case. Or carrying my two novel notebooks, crammed full of ideas and the workings. But then I find that I can just write, not looking back, but like a comfort blanket, I carry it anyway. Eventually I will need it to refer back to, when I’m in a dip, so I always have something to bring me back out, full of so many ideas, I wonder where I’m going to fit them all in! When I’m feeling a little low, I quite often take myself off to the closest bookshop, maybe buy a new book (although have to try not to get carried away), but just to be surrounded by them, look at them, pick them up, it makes me feel better.

 Have I found a place that enables me to write better? No. One day it could be the bookshop, the next I could just be sitting outside in the sunshine. But the opposite can also happen, and however hard I try, I can’t do what I want to do. A little something is better than nothing. Notes for this blog post, ideas for future stories and columns, it’s still writing. I have to write all the time don’t I, isn’t that what they say? So anything I do isn’t good enough, but who are these people that judge me, to tell me the writer I have to be? They are the ones that cause me to feel so anxious, like a coiled spring when nothing comes. When I spend time I should be writing doing something else. They’ve made me into someone I don’t want to be. I want to know It’s okay to have those days, when all you want to do is sit in front of the TV and watch back to back episodes of ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ or go out shopping, spend some time with friends and family. Even the best intentions don’t always come to fruition, however hard you try, life gets in the way sometimes. The mood is wrong, or nothing wants to jump on the page. I need to not measure what I do each day against what has gone before, every day is different, I am different. I’m striving to do the best possible job that I can do, and I’m like that with both aspects of my life. Is that what could possibly be what could undo my writing, causing the blocks I put up in front of me, that I don’t feel I’m doing a good enough job? The reason that I let myself get bogged down in the feeling of guilt, of not writing. Am I too neat and ordered to be a proper writer? Liking everything just so, no mess and not much clutter, can it have a negative effect? I have so many questions buzzing around and I don’t have any answers. I end up scribbling when I least expect it, when I’m feeling wound up, that I can’t write, and then one small thing, that when you look back you can’t even remember what it was, sparks something inside and a paragraph and then a couple of pages are written, seemingly from nowhere. So maybe I’m just thinking too much, but I’m learning a lot about myself.

I need to stop letting things define who I am. I’ve spent too long thinking I’m doing the right thing, following what I think I should be doing. But it’s not me. I have a tendency to think I’m not good enough, so I hide instead. But I need to stop thinking the worst of myself and start being me, in my own time. I need to start doing things because I want to, not because I think I should. Following on from that, I’ve been wrestling with the decision to carry on with something that I feel I’m not getting what I need out of anymore. Feeling sad on one hand as the only group that I know of in the local area, but it’s not what I feel I need, and not helping me in my own journey. But still not an easy decision to make. Friendships and ideas, but along with the frustration. I need to ask myself what I want from the other members, am I as much to blame? I need to start giving back in order to help myself. I learnt a lot about myself at the first meeting back of the new term, my feelings before I got there and how they had changed towards the end. Realising that I need to be more open. What is being read won’t always be my thing, but I have to see past that to critique properly and ask for what I want in return for the pieces that I take along. It’s about helping each other with our works in progress. So I need to work on when I lose interest, therefore not hearing properly and not being able to make any comments, be less selfish! That’s not to say that I won’t look into the possibility of other groups, but I may just get some new ideas, not ready to give up just yet!

It was commented on recently that I can spend too long on social media, tagging and posting. And yes, I suppose they are right and it could be bad in some respect, the constant distraction from both work and writing, of feeling that I have to share with everyone what I’m thinking and doing. But something else it also does for me is inspire. I know that may sound a little weird, but it’s true. By following other authors and writers, people who work in publishing, I find the posts, articles etc. help me. I can retreat into another world, and I instantly feel better about things until I have to come back to reality that is! That said, once I do, I can then sometimes focus more on what I need to do, and I’m always grateful if that means writing.

For all my good intentions and helpful purchases, I’m still no closer to actually sitting down and planning out my novel. I’ve tried and then promptly ignored, not looking at it again for weeks on end. And I keep telling myself that I need to do things ‘properly’ and yet it doesn’t seem enough to prompt me into any sort of action. Does that mean my novel will ever get finished, if I can’t always see it clearly, to the finest detail what’s going to happen? Sometimes I think no, and then the inspiration sparks once more and I’m off, scribbling for pages, writing whatever comes into my head. At the moment it feels like it may never end. I have done quite a bit (as I mentioned before, not going to sniff at over 40,000 words), but currently in no particular order and I still feel I have so much to tell, it’s tiring yet so exhilarating. And that’s what a first draft is about right? I’ve booked onto a writing retreat next year with two fabulous authors, which gives me a second deadline to get that all important first draft done, if I miss my original deadline, but then nothings set in stone. Bu I also have the extra motivation, as I want so much to learn from others and get the feedback on what I’m doing, whether it be right or wrong, or just my own way. I keep forgetting that over 6 months ago someone else already said that they liked what I had to say and want to see the finished novel, but more help along the way can’t be a bad thing. Plus the space away from everything else, even if only for a couple of days is what I’ve been craving, to help me really focus. So March 2017, you are the finishing line for the first draft, but all in the right order! Best get going then…..

August 2016- Onwards......

‘A winner is a dreamer who never gives up’- Nelson Mandela

And I certainly feel like one, what a month!! It started well and has continued in the same vein right until the last day, and hopefully onwards. It’s rare that I can say that, but it has certainly been a positive few weeks.  I’m determined to get to where I want to be, be that with my writing or my work life. Sure I’ve suffered a few setbacks along the way, but they will only make me stronger and more determined, once I’ve got over the disappointment that is. But I’m even doing better there too, picking myself up quickly and getting on with the next thing. If it’s not meant to be, then I will be patient and wait for when it is. I know, too much of the motivational quotes, but it’s helping me!  I’ve recently purchased a couple of books- ‘The Pursuit of Awesome’ and ‘How to get into Publishing’ and I hope they will help me along the way, both in life and writing. It helps to take a step back to think about where I want to be and how best to move forward, and I don’t think anyone would dismiss a little help along the way. So let me tell you why the last few weeks have been the most positive I’ve had in a while…

So it all started with working on and finishing my short story competition entries. I’d set myself a deadline to get them in way before the closing dates, so that I could go away and know that I was in a good place, leaving room to focus on the task in hand, my novel. But more on that later. I’d committed myself to submitting entries, so therefore I wasn’t going to give up and not bother. It felt good to stick to my writing goals, despite the fact that my novel was currently on hold. Who knows if they will come to anything, but at least I’ve tried, you have to be in it to win it after all. The same went for an application for a bursary to attend the ‘Festival of Writing’ in York early next month. I would love to go, but can’t currently afford it, so applied just the same as many others.  I’ve since found out that I didn’t get that or win one of the competitions, but I won’t be put off. Whilst I wait for the other two competitions to pick their winners, I will of course keep my fingers crossed, but I will keep looking out for ways and means to get my voice heard and attend all the events and workshops that I want to go to, my time will come! Therefore I will continue to look out for competitions and other little projects, breaking up my writing time, and who knows what will come out of it, only time will tell.

But my main and biggest positive this month has to be my novel. I’m going even so far to say that I’m proud of myself. The trip to Cornwall proved invaluable, as I hoped it would be and there were lots of notes and scribbles whilst we were away, carrying on from where I’d left off. I felt much better once I could get a sense of the place and my character in it. Like with articles on the same subject, there is only so much you can get from looking at things online and from pictures. But it’s only when you’re actually there, that it all becomes to feel a bit more real.  I found myself getting back into my novel, working on ideas, some new, and seeing where they take me, and so it’s continued since returning. My head and heart are still in Cornwall and I want to be back there, immersing myself in the world of my novel. Is this a good thing? Currently, I would say yes as its helping me with my writing at least, the flurry of words a testament to that in the few weeks since I’ve been back.  I’m finally able to see my story in my head and where it wants to go. It’s a good feeling, with lots to work on and think about.  

As per usual, I spent some time beating myself up a little whilst I was away, for not doing enough writing where I felt I should. But looking back I gained a wealth of ideas and did do some writing, but I have to remember that it was also a holiday with family, and not solely a writing retreat for me. But I am even more inspired by Cornwall and looking at what I did do, there was more than I thought, with ideas and a real sense of place, and I’ve realised that the rest has come later, in all the writing I’ve done since then. That’s the beauty of writing. You can inhabit a world of your own making, yours to return to whenever you want. And that’s what reading has done for me too. I owe a huge thank you to both  Liz Fenwick and Emylia Hall for helping me get back on track with my novel, as well as Cornwall!

It was a strange feeling just the other day to come to the end of a full notebook of scribbles and ideas that has accompanied me for months, and to now be faced with the fear of the blank page again, like starting over. But like beginning another month, it will be just like an extension of the last, and just means that I will now have to carry both with me, as well as a folder containing the rest of the novel, so that I don’t miss anything, and I know where I left off and have something to refer back to. I will not be scared back into the writing rut, at least for a long while yet.

Whilst away and since coming back, I’ve also been devouring some of my books set in Cornwall, some re-reading and some new to help keep the inspiration flowing and bring in new ideas and thoughts. But whilst it has been a useful task, I’m trying not to get stuck on Cornwall books though; you know what they say about too much of a good thing. And I can get lots of ideas for my own novel by reading a variety of books, and not just thoughts on the setting. I’m learning that anything can spark an idea. Its not that I want to replicate the books I’m reading, but draw ideas from them and create my own story, inspired by others. And I’ve found through my reading of Cornwall set books that there can be positives and negatives. Two were brilliant for ideas and inspiration (thank you Liz Fenwick and Emylia Hall!!) where as one, although I enjoyed it, I didn’t get out of it what I expected. So there lies the trouble in relying just on books set where you want yours to be, Inspiration can come from the most unlikely sources.  Okay, so I might struggle over what to read next, scared the thread will be lost, but I can’t put all the pressure on gaining the spark from what I read.  But then I’ve now found that I’m building up a good collection of poetry books, so it would be good to find the time to try and look through them, a slightly different source of ideas. And that has reminded me of my boards on Pinterest. It’s been a while since I’ve looked at or used them, so I mustn’t forget they are there, storing a whole wealth of ideas. And I have all my hundreds of photos from my trip, to take me back to how I felt on a certain day.

And so I haven’t stopped writing since the start of the month, give or take a few days, but then I have to fit life around it when I can! But I’m not going to feel guilty. That’s the way things are, and I will always have it to come back to, and sometimes a few days away can spark fresh ideas and inspiration, so I won’t see it as a bad thing. As I write this, I’m starting three days off from work, and just to concentrate on my writing, so I hope that September will be as fruitful as the last month, but I will at least start it determined and ready! Find your happy place, a quote I heard just the other day, and I’m starting to believe I have, on the page and so today is a good day, and long may it continue.

‘Because you’re amazing, just the way you are’ Bruno Mars

‘Write your story and share it with the world’

‘Still I rise’- Maya Angelou

July 2016-I still believe in me( well, just about!)

I hate these months where I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing. I couldn’t even tell you where July has gone, and in some ways I feel I’ve disappeared with the days, and my writing along with it. I feel repressed. Like work is stopping me from doing what I need to be doing. I promised I wouldn’t be one of those people who let the day job (if it’s not writing related) take over and I thought I’d kept that promise. But subconsciously I’ve done just that. It has squashed all the words and ideas inside me down so much that I’m left with a scrabble of what I’m not sure, or the frustration of an empty page, not being able to express all what I’m thinking into words on paper. Writing is who I am, or at least who I think I am and I believe that’s why I hate days, weeks like this. I just want to cry. And it’s been a bit like that over the last few weeks.

It’s all very well having these wonderful ideas and plans, but only if you see them through, do something about it. I’m forever jumping the gun, trying to follow other writers lead, but I never seem to go anywhere. I have a whiteboard and empty sketchbook (both brilliant ideas for helping lay out and plan your novel, I add) currently redundant in the corner of my room. What good are they to me there? It’s like I’m scared. I want to do it but I don’t know where to start, that I’ve just done everything the wrong way round. I’m still finding my own way. I hope that these tools will be put to good use eventually, but right now I’m feeling a little lost.

I realise that I’m moaning on a lot, but unfortunately there seems to have been more frustrating than happy days. Saying that, I’ve been learning a lot as I’ve finished typing up all my scribbles for my novel- what I like and don’t like and how I can see the story up to a point. The early writing is okay and I still like my initial idea, but a lot's changed since I wrote those first few pages, and it has now evolved. I’m still including everything at this stage, I don’t want to lose any gems, but I can already see what doesn’t fit, the clunky sentences and descriptions, how my writing has changed since starting the project. By the time all my scribbles were typed up, I found that I’ve now got over 32,000 words recorded. That may sound like I’m well on the way, and I know I should note each small milestone as that’s about 15,000 more words than I had, and a lot more than I thought- its amazing when you record everything by hand, it catches you by surprise when you put it all together. So now I have what seems like a good body of work, and in some ways it is. But it is also a muddle of words now I’m still stuck/ lost on what to do next. I’m beginning to doubt myself, that I will ever get there, as I keep hitting hurdle after hurdle.

I suffer quite a lot, both with writing and so it seems, everything else, with a severe lack of motivation and a large dose of beating myself up regularly over it. I can’t find the words, or muse and I sit and stare at nothing, hoping the magic will happen. But of course it never does. Things just don’t work like that. I recently read an article about finding a writing habit that works for you, and one particular point struck a chord with me- ‘never beat yourself up for missing a day’s writing. It will kill all your motivation. Return to your goals and tweak if you have been a little over ambitious. ’ Extremely sound advice. I would like to say that I will no longer be that person, but as with most things, much easier said than done, but I promise I will at least try. I’m not very good at being kind to myself as you’ve probably gathered. Writing shouldn’t be a chore, you should do it because you need to not because you have to. I think I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. Although I don’t think of it as a chore, it still frustrates me when nothing comes out, like I’ve wasted a chance. Even this blog was hard going to start with, that I nearly gave up. But I didn’t, and as I’ve gone on the words have begun to flow. That’s what I need to do. Just write something, anything and let the words take form as they are written. It doesn’t even have to be relevant, just as long as there are words on a page.

‘The way to write a book is to actually write a book. A pen is useful, typing is also good. Keep putting words on the page’ Anne Enright

I’ve been looking back through all my scribbled ideas and ramblings (in the notebook that comes everywhere with me, I’m on number five now, and it is nearly full) to show me on those bad days that I can be creative- of the over brimming ideas and inspiration that I’ve had. It helps me to remember that its not all bad. And the full folder of poems and short stories is also testament to that. This will be particularly useful when my mind is almost too full and distracted to get a single word done. There is always tomorrow, a new day and a fresh start. Don’t ever give up hope.

And as I’m writing all this done, I can feel a small ray of hope.  I may have a muddle of 30,000 words, but I can go back and sort it out later, just so long as I get to the end, however that may be. I will continue to write, as the ideas come, and work out where they go later. I think that’s the only way I’ll get to the end. As long as I don’t give up. I will keep telling myself this even as I watch others around me going that one step further. You have to be ‘in’ to even stand a chance of getting noticed, so I will keep writing and one day my chance will come too.

I have a column to finish, two short stories to edit and complete for competitions (from the wealth of ideas, knew things would come in useful!) and although they are a distraction from my WIP, they are still important. I am still writing and the rest will come, if I just let it….

‘But I still believe in all my dreams

And all that I can be

To learn from mistakes, do all that it takes

To make it eventually

I still believe in me’

June 2016- Just keep writing…

Write as well as you can, you’ve made that decision’

I hate those days when nothing seems to go right, to fit. I can feel my head pound and my insides coil up with the frustration. My mind is blank and however hard I try, nothing seems to be happening. Whatever I manage to write is disjointed and doesn’t really make sense. I just know that it will be rewritten on one of the better days. The pressure of feeling I have to at least write something intensifies and I’m tired. I’m a perfectionist and however many times I tell myself that it’s okay, I know for me that it’s not. I have to feel like I’ve achieved something, that maybe my life has meaning, and I’m not going to get that by doing nothing. I’ve made my life this vicious circle. Some months are better than others, with more good days than bad, so I suppose I ought to take all the positive from that. Are all writers the same as me? Is it part of the make up? I’ve taken to recording achievements of each day and at the start (probably about two years ago), it seemed relevant, so I could see that actually I’d done more than I thought, that it was good to celebrate even the little things. But now even that has lost what it should have, and almost become a list of jobs, what I do each day- not exactly what it’s supposed to do. So maybe a step back needed; a review- and not just on my writing either, but on who I am and how I do things. A chance to read others experiences, learn from them, adapt and make some changes, however small and lessen the pressure on myself. It can’t be good for me after all. I hope that it would then allow me to use the time I do have more effectively and to a better purpose than I am currently doing.

Why do I write?? It’s a question I’ve forever asking myself and I’m still not sure I know the right answer. Ultimately, I believe that it is because I have something to say and the best way to express that is with words.  And I can tell you certainly that I’m not just doing it to get published. I just want to feel that I’m doing something worthwhile. I have notebooks full of paragraphs and disjointed sentences and maybe a smattering of good ideas, but all in the same place and although I like to call it that, I don’t yet feel that it resembles a novel. I spend a lot of my time fretting. Should I have done this, should I have done that, but never seeming to be where I should. I still feel, that despite my best efforts, I’m still in the initial stages and sabotaged by my day job and other writing I do whilst I’m  working on it, constant distractions wherever I look.  

‘A greater part of writing than you might suppose relies upon  the writer ignoring or temporarily setting aside  a whole circus troupe of ugly fears and just typing, in spite of them’ A L Kennedy

This has described me down to the last word, and what I’m working towards, but I spend a long time trying to get past the stage where I just write and get over all my anxieties.

‘Start well and then veers off somewhere horrible and I’m bogged down and concerned over the bad sentences and possible relevance, will it work?

I have no self-belief in my own writing and my biggest stumbling block is getting the first draft done. I feel isolated and not able to share my frustrations, my little niggles, for fear that no one else can help. I am bewildered.  Navigation is an issue; I’m getting lost along the way. Can I navigate myself through this novel?  Well I won’t know unless I try! It’s all the other things that are stopping me from writing- the stream of minute but undeniably important at the time interruptions. They are getting in the way. The only thing that can save me is doing what I have to do and finding ways to make the best of it, and if not working on the novel, but on other projects, then so be it, at least I’m doing something, better than nothing at all. And so it’s back to planning. It’s what I keep coming back to (what I should have done to begin with) as I make a start and then stop; carrying on with research and perhaps a bit of writing, before planning again as once more I’ve lost my way, not knowing essentially what my story is.

An ideal writing day, is there such a thing? To write at least a paragraph of something. A small, but you would hope, perfectly achievable aim, but some days, I’m still unable to fulfill. Ideal would be not to let everything else get in the way- Get up, write (once dressed!) Lunch, more writing, dinner, maybe a bit more and only then chill out with a book or watch TV. Reality- Work, scribble something at lunch, more work, commute either way (driving so no writing) and evening writing if I’m in. Still I suppose little is better than nothing. Procrastination, something I’m getting very good at! (annoyingly) Finding even the smallest thing- is my desk tidy enough, shall I put these papers away- to distract from actually writing, doing something with the WIP. And just knowing the internet is a touch of a mouse away is the worst distraction of all. But then I have to remember that I do have a life outside of my writing, and that it’s okay to be busy with other jobs and hobbies and have a break, just as long as I come back to it!

And there will always be other ideas and stories bubbling under the surface and that’s okay. I just need to try and focus most of my free time, if I can on one thing…. And I now have the trip in the summer, so that should give me a boost hopefully! I’ve been thinking a lot about things that can help me along the way, such as creating a writing soundtrack. As I type I often feel that something is missing, and not only will the music fill the silence, which just heightens my frustrations, it could also provide extra inspiration to what I’m writing. Worth a go at least, see if works for me. Working to a deadline. Shall I give myself a deadline to get the first draft finished by? Might not be a bad idea.  Worth a go at least, I would hope that it would make me more focused, like when I have a column due or this blog post to write. So I’m thinking Christmas. Maybe a little too adventurous given that it’s taken me over a year (I’m not even sure now, could be longer!) to get to where I am now. Stuff it, I’m going to do it, well aim for then at least. I will try and have at least some kind of completed novel in six months. Wow, I’m scared now I’ve said it out loud. Better to have a challenge!

‘Being scared is perfectly normal when starting to write.’

Am I still starting? Just how long has it been now since I decided that I needed to do something about it? At least 2 and a half years now I would say. Wow, longer than I thought. And yet, sometimes it feels like I’m just beginning, trying to find my feet. But then does the learning ever  stop? I’ve started to build up a list of all my writing achievements, and it’s been a good exercise, remembering just how far I’ve come, and picking me up on the worst days,

‘You’re not lost; you’re just finding your place.’

And that is just what I’m doing. It might not be what others consider to be the best way, but its working for me so far. I’ve typed up over 10,000 words over the last few weeks, all scribbles in my notebook, but I’m getting all my ideas in one place, and trying to see where I’m going.  Touch wood, it’s going well, as I type, new ideas and questions are being raised, and I’m starting to feel like a real writer of a novel. I’ve spent time doing research, with still more to do as I move forward. I feel like I’m immersing myself into my place and characters, picking up from where I’ve left off the day before and it is always on my mind, some nights I dream of the world I’m trying to create or its whirring round as I try to fall asleep. But at least I’m thinking about it. This is the first time since I started working on it that I’ve felt this way, does that mean I’m getting there? I’m working with my words and trying to build something. It is test of endurance and sometimes I feel like I’m failing, but for now I am keeping on keeping on.

So thank you to A L Kennedy for describing me down to the last full stop exactly how I’m feeling and where I am, and then lifting me out of that black hole. ‘Onwards.’

(A brilliant article on ‘how to find the end’- helping me to get there! https://t.co/ViaAPHcmGQ )