July 2016-I still believe in me( well, just about!)

I hate these months where I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing. I couldn’t even tell you where July has gone, and in some ways I feel I’ve disappeared with the days, and my writing along with it. I feel repressed. Like work is stopping me from doing what I need to be doing. I promised I wouldn’t be one of those people who let the day job (if it’s not writing related) take over and I thought I’d kept that promise. But subconsciously I’ve done just that. It has squashed all the words and ideas inside me down so much that I’m left with a scrabble of what I’m not sure, or the frustration of an empty page, not being able to express all what I’m thinking into words on paper. Writing is who I am, or at least who I think I am and I believe that’s why I hate days, weeks like this. I just want to cry. And it’s been a bit like that over the last few weeks.

It’s all very well having these wonderful ideas and plans, but only if you see them through, do something about it. I’m forever jumping the gun, trying to follow other writers lead, but I never seem to go anywhere. I have a whiteboard and empty sketchbook (both brilliant ideas for helping lay out and plan your novel, I add) currently redundant in the corner of my room. What good are they to me there? It’s like I’m scared. I want to do it but I don’t know where to start, that I’ve just done everything the wrong way round. I’m still finding my own way. I hope that these tools will be put to good use eventually, but right now I’m feeling a little lost.

I realise that I’m moaning on a lot, but unfortunately there seems to have been more frustrating than happy days. Saying that, I’ve been learning a lot as I’ve finished typing up all my scribbles for my novel- what I like and don’t like and how I can see the story up to a point. The early writing is okay and I still like my initial idea, but a lot's changed since I wrote those first few pages, and it has now evolved. I’m still including everything at this stage, I don’t want to lose any gems, but I can already see what doesn’t fit, the clunky sentences and descriptions, how my writing has changed since starting the project. By the time all my scribbles were typed up, I found that I’ve now got over 32,000 words recorded. That may sound like I’m well on the way, and I know I should note each small milestone as that’s about 15,000 more words than I had, and a lot more than I thought- its amazing when you record everything by hand, it catches you by surprise when you put it all together. So now I have what seems like a good body of work, and in some ways it is. But it is also a muddle of words now I’m still stuck/ lost on what to do next. I’m beginning to doubt myself, that I will ever get there, as I keep hitting hurdle after hurdle.

I suffer quite a lot, both with writing and so it seems, everything else, with a severe lack of motivation and a large dose of beating myself up regularly over it. I can’t find the words, or muse and I sit and stare at nothing, hoping the magic will happen. But of course it never does. Things just don’t work like that. I recently read an article about finding a writing habit that works for you, and one particular point struck a chord with me- ‘never beat yourself up for missing a day’s writing. It will kill all your motivation. Return to your goals and tweak if you have been a little over ambitious. ’ Extremely sound advice. I would like to say that I will no longer be that person, but as with most things, much easier said than done, but I promise I will at least try. I’m not very good at being kind to myself as you’ve probably gathered. Writing shouldn’t be a chore, you should do it because you need to not because you have to. I think I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. Although I don’t think of it as a chore, it still frustrates me when nothing comes out, like I’ve wasted a chance. Even this blog was hard going to start with, that I nearly gave up. But I didn’t, and as I’ve gone on the words have begun to flow. That’s what I need to do. Just write something, anything and let the words take form as they are written. It doesn’t even have to be relevant, just as long as there are words on a page.

‘The way to write a book is to actually write a book. A pen is useful, typing is also good. Keep putting words on the page’ Anne Enright

I’ve been looking back through all my scribbled ideas and ramblings (in the notebook that comes everywhere with me, I’m on number five now, and it is nearly full) to show me on those bad days that I can be creative- of the over brimming ideas and inspiration that I’ve had. It helps me to remember that its not all bad. And the full folder of poems and short stories is also testament to that. This will be particularly useful when my mind is almost too full and distracted to get a single word done. There is always tomorrow, a new day and a fresh start. Don’t ever give up hope.

And as I’m writing all this done, I can feel a small ray of hope.  I may have a muddle of 30,000 words, but I can go back and sort it out later, just so long as I get to the end, however that may be. I will continue to write, as the ideas come, and work out where they go later. I think that’s the only way I’ll get to the end. As long as I don’t give up. I will keep telling myself this even as I watch others around me going that one step further. You have to be ‘in’ to even stand a chance of getting noticed, so I will keep writing and one day my chance will come too.

I have a column to finish, two short stories to edit and complete for competitions (from the wealth of ideas, knew things would come in useful!) and although they are a distraction from my WIP, they are still important. I am still writing and the rest will come, if I just let it….

‘But I still believe in all my dreams

And all that I can be

To learn from mistakes, do all that it takes

To make it eventually

I still believe in me’