August 2017- Post-Holiday Blues

And so I’m back and yes, as the subject suggests, very much feeling the post-holiday blues. The weeks leading up to going away were seemingly going well, or so I thought. And they were. I was getting words on the page and feeling pleased that my ideas seemed to be taking shape as I wrote larger chunks of the novel, quite often carrying on from where I’d left off the day before, building each time I opened my notebook and picked up my pencil. But yet the nagging thoughts just won’t leave. The more that I scribble, the ideas come. But am I trying to over complicate my novel by trying to have too many threads and ideas? Whilst seemingly all good thoughts, will they all work together? I suppose I won’t really know until I look into each one in more detail. More and more I’m trying, and not always succeeding  to take a small step back to attempt to see what it is I’m doing.

The holiday in some way allowed me to do that. Did I achieve all that I wanted? I don’t know, but I had a good time all the same! There were lots of visits made to new places and it was just what was needed, to be surrounded by the inspiration that I craved. It also opened my eyes a little. One such visit was made to Mousehole as well as Penzance, which were to be the original locations in which my novel was to be set. Since then, my ideas have changed slightly, using a variety of places to inspire my fictional location, and whilst I loved all the visits that we made, I’m glad now to have made that decision and not waited until now to really get a feel for the place.  And there was further inspiration to be discovered waiting in St Ives, Porthcurno, Falmouth and Helford so I was spoilt for choice. It was a lovely feeling to see the real places, like my words coming to life. But on the downside, I didn’t write as much as I thought I would, or hoped as I was too busy being on holiday. I suppose that’s inevitable, unless you make a specific research trip. But I have all my photos and memories, so in theory, lots to keep me inspired.

But that’s sadly where I’m now struggling. I’ve been back a couple of weeks and been trying to get my mojo back now that I’m back to the reality of life. I remembered how much I achieved last year after we got back and was hoping for the same again. There have been moments where I’m starting to see now where the story is taking better shape now that the focus seems to be in the right place. But I still need to have a basic outline written down, not only so I can see where I’m going, but also giving me direction as to what I should or could be working on each day. Shutting my eyes and letting it all become clear in front of me, where things fit and what still needs to be done. My danger is thinking too hard. And that’s when it all becomes mixed up and I overthink everything. I need to take the pressure off. And that’s where I seem to still be going wrong. I’m still beating myself up, practically every day if I don’t think I’ve done enough in the time that I have available to me. A fantastic holiday and then on the first day back to reality, I’m not sure where all the inspiration has gone. A wasted evening when I could have been writing and for the most part, achieved nothing. I’m on the verge of tears and yet I still can’t seem to motivate myself to let the words come. Am I just expecting too much? We all have bad days right? But I just feel recently that this is happening too much, that I’m letting myself get distracted too easily. And there my problem lies.  Looking back on that night, I did actually achieve something, and although I may not have thought it much at the time, it was better than nothing. But I’m feeling very frustrated by the ups and downs of writing and the feeling stuck.  I had hoped, like I’ve said, that the holiday would bring on a flurry of writing as it did before. And whilst there has been some, which I shouldn’t turn my nose up at, there is not as much as I would like. I struggle with finding a routine that works for me, and when I do have the time, using that whole session in which to write and not get distracted. My head is just too muddled. So I really need to start taking some of my own advice.

I’ve been continuing, in fits and starts, to free write on my novel and that has been a positive in that I continue to discover my story as I just let the words flow. But it also throws up questions along the way that I don’t yet have the answers to. Would most of these be answered if I had completed some kind of plan? More than likely, or at least some of them. And I keep saying it. Its something that I both want and need to do before I lose myself completely. And yet I still struggle to even begin, to try and break down in my mind in order to translate it onto paper. Should it be that hard?? Probably not, but why can’t I just see it clearly? As much as I don’t want to stop writing, given that the free writing works during my lunch breaks, and can be done wherever, I need to stop and take a proper step back, look at what I’ve done so far and see what I can do with it. Maybe then, I will be able to see even clearer just what story I am trying to tell.  No more excuses, I need to set aside a specific time in which to sit down and really get my teeth into it and only then will I feel better.

I realise that I have done a lot of ranting and moaning, considering the wonderful and inspirational holiday that I was lucky enough to go on. But given time ( things never come when you want them too, when you are waiting), I will get my mojo back and the mist will hopefully clear. And there are other things that I’ve learnt too. A writer must always be an avid reader and I certainly adhere to this. I’ve been reading different styles of books recently and found that I have been both inspired as well as critical, which in turn has helped me to discover myself more as a writer as well as slowly finding my own voice. And I’m hoping to find a soundtrack to my writing too, music that will also help to inspire. It’s a work in progress.

And so I end with some hope. There is still work to be done, as always, but I know I can do it, if I just give myself a little more credit. Yes, the first draft still needs to be finished, but I’m the one setting the deadlines at this stage, so they are not unmovable. I need to be more realistic about what I can achieve, but also stick to my routine. It’s all there, if only I take the opportunities that are offered to me. So what if the first draft has taken a few years to write, isn’t that normal for a first time novelist and better that I put out there the best that I can, right? I’m the only one who can tell my story.

July 2017- Keep Showing Up….

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing! It is a simple but extremely effective piece of advice, and one that I’m certainly living by, so thank you to Rowan Coleman! I am constantly being inspired and motivated by other writers, and I need to have that same belief in myself that I find in them. So here goes…. I AM a Writer, right now, thank you! (thanks Miranda Dickinson, yet again!!)

‘Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer.’ Alan W Watts

And so I am, writing that is. Okay, so there are days when I’ve been writing blindly with no real sense of direction, but a little something is surely better than a whole lot of nothing? I just need to keep trying to remember that. I have the desire to write, but no real plan, and perhaps that’s where I am lacking a little. That I need to have a some kind of plan, or an idea each time I sit down to write, maybe a note as I finish the previous paragraph as to my thoughts for the next part. At least it would help me to focus. A bit late to the party I know, but if I’ve learnt nothing else, its that you have to do these things at your own speed and realisation. So that’s what I’ve been doing quite a bit of this month, and the notebook (number 6!) is quickly filling up as I build on the part of the story that I decide to work on each day. That may be the same for a couple of days, slowing bringing things to life. Or it may be a  new idea that I feel the need to scribble and work on. Whatever, the main positive is that there are words on the page, or pages! And its been working well, as I sit down and quickly scan over where I’ve stop the previous day or session , and then begin to throw myself into what happens next. It’s been a while since I’ve worked like that, but it feels good. Like I’m slightly less disjointed, as I write and new ideas and thoughts come in as I work on a particular section.

But there is still very much a need to have some kind of outline, however rough so that I can see where I’m going. I spent a long time writing large chunks of what I now know is really the back story for my main character. But I don’t feel that the time was wasted. Along with the character outlines that I’ve been working on more recently, they have helped me to understand my characters fully, and see where the heart of my novel really is, and to begin the work on focusing on that instead. I’m learning things the hard way, but I am happy to be constantly learning, I just want to get it right and I know it is making me into a better writer too. I have all the ideas, I just need to continue putting them into practice and not let the fear that I can’t do it hold me back. And so that means going back to my synopsis yet again. The last re-write was too long and detailed and I felt I was getting a little lost, focusing on the wrong things. So I will be looking at again, through fresh eyes, and trying to make it the best I can, to give me the bare bones that I so desperately need to help me. Again, constantly learning.

‘Be brave and finish your story’ Miranda Dickinson

Like I said before, I feel I owe so much to the writers that I have had the great pleasure of getting to know. Just by one small sentence, they help me enormously.  Being brave is what writing is all about. Having that confidence in what you want to write and then sharing it with others, and the motivation to keep showing up each time, even if you don’t know how things will go. You need to overcome the fear in each moment and be the best version of yourself. ‘Life is a series of random events, some you win and some you lose’ And that’s okay, just so long as you don’t let the losses define how you move forward.  I’ve been working on typing up some of my scribbles alongside adding more to my notebook, and I’ve realised just how much my thought process is constantly changing. There are parts that I’ve written that I now don’t like and others that I do, that I’ve forgotten about. But for now, I just need to get it ALL down. The editing will come later. But how do you stop the new ideas filtering in and letting them change the course of the story that I’m trying to tell?  I still don’t know the answer to this, but once I have a better outline for my novel, maybe I will be able to filter these things better, see how they don’t fit with my current plan. My honest opinion is that even the best laid plans have chinks in them and I would love to hear from an author that hasn’t amended their novel in some way as they’ve gone along, that the end product differs from the initial idea, even in a small way. And that can only mean a better story right?

‘But when you re-read your writing, and even though it’s not perfect, it’s your own story and that’s kind of amazing’

And so as the month ends, I have lots to be positive about. I’ve written more that I’d expected, it makes sense and there is plenty more where that came from.  I’m proving to myself that I have it in me to make the best use of my time and just want can be achieved in that time, however small. I feel like I’m getting into the swing of things again, after a period of wandering a little aimlessly. I just started a new job at work, and I am certain that it is helping me with my writing. I feel happier and am a lot more focused in that respect, which seems to be rubbing off elsewhere, so long may it continue! There is a lot that I’ve said  I will do in terms of knocking this novel into shape over the last few months and many have yet to be started. But at least the ideas are there, even if only in the early stages. Now I just need a large chuck of time to put things into action. Excuses again, I know, but life does have a habit of getting in the way, when you are not fortunate to be able to write full time. But I’m off on holibobs in just a matter of days, to Cornwall and I already have some thoughts of what I can gain from this much needed break in terms of my writing. I have a list scribbled, with may be more to be added, and I can already feel that by just being in the place that I need to be in terms of location, it can only have a positive effect. I want to use the time to really become my story and see it more clearly, the valuable thinking time that I am so desperately lacking. I try to close my eyes each time I sit down to write and transport myself there, into the world that I’m trying to create, much like I feel each time I pick up a book to read. So just physically being there, can only help me to move further forward still, I can’t wait!

June 2017- Turning the negatives into positives

Looking back at what I wrote last month, to see if I’ve followed through with what I promised myself. And I’d like to think that I have. I get all my thoughts out at the end of the month, and then quite often, promptly forget it all! (And I’m sure you would agree, as I more than likely repeat myself quite a lot!). I need to try and look back more, see if I’m moving forward.

As I would normally expect, the last few weeks have had their normal stops and starts. I know I want to write but there are times when I’m slow to get going. But what am I waiting for? I still feel that I’m somewhat lacking direction. I’ve carried on writing thoughts and ideas as they come, but just as before, my novel  continues to very much be a jumble of words with no clear structure. I know I will get there in the end, but I do need to at least have a vague idea of where I’m going and need to be; what still needs to be worked on.

I’ve started to work on re-drafting my synopsis in the hope that by getting the bones done, I can start to see things clearer, use it as guideline to be able to see what I still need to do, to help sort out the rest.  So far it’s been an interesting task, and I’ve yet to finish it. It is quite detailed in its current state and I’m sure it’s too long for a synopsis, but at least it’s getting me to see the bigger picture. There have been some spurts and paragraphs, but most of the work has been to look at my character outlines, giving more depth to them, so I can earn more about them. The synopsis is doing the same. My next plan is to create more visual aids- a timeline for example, particularly for my main character so I can plan out how her story unfolds. Mind maps too, for both the arcs and the characters, to see the links between everything, and what or who is not needed from the words I have already created. I’m not saying that I will start editing, that will need to wait until the first draft is finally finished, but it will be a good exercise to try and see the bigger picture, particularly when I feel so lost it in all. A list had been started too, for things to look out for when we’re in Cornwall, I’m determined to make the most out of the time there, as well as enjoy myself. It’s just what I need right now, and I’m counting down the days until we go.

I also feel a strong need to immerse myself in some writing books, to help me in some way to work out where I’m going wrong. A lot of the time my head feels like a coiled up spring, as I attempt to find something, anything to put on the glaringly blank page. I’m still reading, so I’m beginning to organise myself in a small way at least. The same goes for the articles that I see online, the inspiration from others that I retweet. I should be looking at why I share these things, read more!

‘Ride the wave. Know what to ride on and what to leave. How to hold your nerve. Believe in the story you are writing. Choose the wave that you want to jump on, even if it’s different to what others are doing. Do what is right for you’ Miranda Dickinson

Extremely sound advice from a reliable source. I do believe in the story that I’m writing, that I do now. And that’s why I haven’t given up. There certainly have been times when I’ve felt like it, that’s it not worth the grief I give myself.  But it is worth it. Writing has saved me when I’m feeling low, a way to express my feelings and process my thoughts. Maybe I should be using this more for my novel. Write your life. Turn the negatives into positives.  But I need to know, and I’m learning, when to give myself a break, to do something else. I can take inspiration from the blog to start with. There is proof that I can write a reasonable amount of words when I put my mind to it, and just in an hour or an evening. If I continue to wait for the right words, the muse, then nothing will happen. Prompts and thoughts help though and I can start trying something similar in my other writing, just important to keep the writing going whatever.

I’m learning that it’s okay to have a bad day, not to be able to want to write, and not beat myself up when that happens. Others would disagree I know, that I was procrastinating. But my mind will just not go there sometimes and that’s okay. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start.

Never give up, Keep believing. 

May 2017- Am I a Writer??

I still feel so lost, despite my excitement and positivity at the start of the month. It certainly has been quite a up and down kind of a time. I’m feeling the need to write, but don’t necessarily feel that I always have the capacity and then that leads onto the self-doubt creeping in, as always. I have very much let work and general life take over this month, well it certainly feels that way. And then I just end up being frustrated at my lack of willpower, to be able to see that time as specific to writing, and finding excuses to do other jobs that need doing. But isn’t that true for most of us? But I can’t help that way it makes me feel, when I’ve not been able to do anything, wasting the time that I do have.  I’m awake early at the weekends, and some evenings before bed, they would be better utilised with a paragraph or two, but that never really seems to happen, like I’m waiting for something to appear and I can’t even begin to write without it. And I know that’s not right, but sometimes I just need that little bit of extra magic (and to turn my phone and internet off!) I got into quite a good routine, writing something each day and happy that I was doing just that, not putting the pressure on. But then you get the day after you’ve broken that routine, haven’t written anything for a few days, and I feel like I’m back at square one as I attempt to start from where I last stopped and end up getting completely stuck. Today has very much been one of those days so excuse the rambling of thoughts whilst the feeling of frustration is still so fresh.  I am completely lost once more with my novel and where it seems (or not) to be going. I just don’t know what to do next.

‘Don’t feel the pressure of completing the whole task at once. Take it one step at a time, whether that means one chapter or one page at a time.’

Extremely sound advice, and along with other useful points from my fellow writers, something I should very much be listening to at the moment. It's when I put the pressure on, or waste time that my confidence drops. When I’m just not really thinking, the words seem to come. So maybe that it part of finding my purpose as a writer. Just write the first thing that comes into my head, whether that carries on from where I’ve stopped or not. I find it easy when I’m not thinking too much, and whilst that may not be good in some ways (going off on a tangent, forgetting about the outline of my story and its other characters for a bit), its about getting words on a page, letting that one idea consume me, just for a bit. It’s amazing how one thought can spark a sentence and then that turns into a paragraph or a page as I let the idea take hold and see my pencil goes. There have been quite a few of these over the month, and as I flick back through my notebook, I can already see there are lots of words there, that the magic is still bubbling under the surface. I just tend to forget that on a bad day. I will continue to find ways to reignite my passion for my novel, and I WILL get there, it may just take me a while. Okay so maybe at the moment I have a large chunk of words dedicated to my main character, but I’m still trying to tell myself her story, and the rest will come as an when. And I think I would much rather write too much, before I begin the mammoth task of editing! I keep forgetting that the first draft doesn’t have to be perfect, just written, a new mantra to live by I think! And that thinking time, when I might just be staring into space, is just as valuable to the whole process as the actual writing, the looking at notes, maybe a bit of research all contributes to re-finding that passion for the story that I’m trying to tell, and only then maybe will things start to look a bit clearer, as I allow the haze to lift.

Just writing this blog and getting all my thoughts out is helping. I know what I need to do, and I have a list that I’m always adding too, but at least its there, reminding me, should I need a push. And  I have been doing some other writing here and there. One column was written and published, and another has already been scribbled, with a few other ideas on the horizon. I even managed a poem, which I haven’t written for a long time. In a world where there are horrors happening when we least expect them, I found writing helped me to get my thoughts down, to process everything, even if it wasn’t happening directly to me. I was wondering if I had the mind space to work on the short story ideas that I had for the competitions. Even though I liked my initial ideas and wanted to fellow them through, that has yet to happen, as I didn’t feel that I had enough time for it all. But now I realise that having maybe something else I could work on, when I’m stuck on the novel could be just as useful. Not only for keeping the mind whirring, but the physical task of the words on a page, whatever they may be. It’s about finding my writing mojo again after I let it disappear for a while. I don’t really want it to go away again.

And that’s another good reason for writing this blog. I read somewhere that no-one writes or reads these types of blogs any more, but I can see that my blog, as well as I’m sure many others, show that this is just not the case. Its been really lovely to see just how many people read my blog, which has increased in the last few months (and last month had the highest number of views since I started nearly three years ago). Whilst the comments have been lovely, and the re-tweets, essentially it’s not why I do it. We all need an outlet, a support network as writers, and this is part of mine. I just hope I’m reaching out to other struggling writers, much as the groups, podcasts etc. that I use do for me.

And so I guess, with a slightly renewed positivity in myself, its back to the notebook, until next time!

April 2017- Turning a corner?

It’s certainly been a strange month, and my feelings continued from March really, with not much achieved, or I certainly didn’t think so.  And it always amazes me that when I sit down to write this blog that a reasonable number of words come out in a relatively short space of time, so why can I not seem to do the same when it comes to my novel? 

But then looking back, although I may not have felt like I’ve done very much, there have been some glimmers of hope along the way and words on the page. The Lent challenge continued, with prompts for each day. I’ve yet to go back and read them all, but there may be some flashes of inspiration that I can use, who knows? But at least it got me into writing each day, even if (after doing my daily mile walk) I didn’t have time to do much else.  I’ve also been learning to not feel guilty and I do feel much better for it. By doing things in my own time and attempting to take the pressure off, I’m hoping  that it will continue to have a positive effect.  And by putting the main work to one side, whilst walking, working on my lent pieces and life taking over and me letting it (it has been a very busy month of days out, concert and rehearsals, plus a week’s holiday), I think it will be a good thing, that I will be able to see more clearly when I pick it up again.

And that may just be the case. As the month draws to a close, I am once more thinking about my novel and seeing what I need to be doing, to be working on. I’ve been continuing with the free writing a little, and by taking some of the pressure off, it has been interesting to see what comes, whether it be notes and ideas or continuing from where I left off. And I’ve learnt that it’s best to share your worries. I left a post within a Facebook group which includes most of the ladies from last month’s retreat, and  I should have done it ages ago! I couldn’t have asked for better support and helpful comments, as well as a little motivation boost. It really helps to know that you are not alone and that you know where to go to get the support that you need. Yes, I would love the group to be a physical one, but locations just don’t allow. And anyway, at least I’ve met all the people and we have a joint understanding of where we are and what we’re going through, it is much needed! It has certainly given me lots to think about.

‘Patience is not about the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting’

I’m excited again now to get writing and see what happens. I will take everything on board that I have been told and advice given, but instead of trying to do something now that I’m not quite ready for, I will just power through, get the story out and then look back. If I keep looking over everything now, the doubt will continue to seep through and I will never get to the end. So it’s taken me a couple of months to process, but I now think I’m turning a corner, starting to see where I need to be going. And other jobs can be done along the way as it all becomes clearer. I have to do things my way and in my own time. A deadline is good, and I will attempt to stick to that this year and get the first draft done, but I will take the pressure off. At this stage in my journey as a writer, I don’t have anyone else to answer to and I have to remember that. There is no magic number for the length of time it should take, so I will plod on and if it’s done before the end of the year, then that will just be a bonus!

And so I will once more go back to a quote I’ve used before, as it just resonates so much to me and how I feel, and I will abide by it!

‘I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul’ Invictus.

Short and sweet this month, what with everything else, and now I need to get writing!!

March 2017- Life is a rollercoaster

Just for a change, I will start with the positive this month, much as the month itself started off. So you will remember that I mentioned I was going on a writing retreat. Well, all I can say is INSPIRING! I had an amazing time, meeting other writers and learning from published writers as well as a literary agent. If you will indulge me for a moment, I will go into a few more details… the retreat took place at Folly Farm, which is an 18^th Century farmhouse nestled in a 250 acre nature reserve.My room, which was in one of the converted cowsheds overlooked the valley and the whole place was so beautiful and quiet and I managed to set up a makeshift desk ready for all the writing that I was planning to do. But first the chance to meet the two lovely authors running the show- Julie Cohen and Rowan Coleman, as well as the other writers as they started to arrive. Lots more chatting over dinner, with everyone, and followed by a Q&A with Rowan and Julie. Such an inspiring first evening, lots of notes made and despite my initial worries before I arrived, knew I was in the right place and that in some way I belonged. Lovely to also meet Miranda Dickinson for the first time after admiring her writing for a while. On the Saturday morning, it was time for my one to one with Rowan. This was the part I was most nervous about, whether she was going to like it, or even if I was doing anything right! And Rowan couldn’t have been more lovely.  I received positive feedback on my idea and how I can move forward, and it gave me the much needed boost to try and finish my elusive first draft. There was lots to think about and I took time to walk around the grounds to gather my thoughts and try and take everything in. Now, I didn’t  actually start on any of the tasks suggested to me by Rowan whilst away, but there was still some writing done, trying to get myself in the right head space, around extremely useful workshops by both Rowan and Julie and the chance to learn about the other side from literary agent, Lizzy Kremer (who said she recognised my name from Twitter, must be doing something right then!). There were moments when I struggled, felt I wasn’t doing enough, but after talking to some of the other lovely ladies in the group, realised I wasn’t alone in my worries and doubts and that was a comfort. I loved the whole weekend, not only for everything I learnt from others, but also what I learnt about myself and the experience of being solely in that writers bubble, it was hard to leave.

And then, unfortunately it was back to reality with a bump. I needed that time away to inhabit another world and absorb myself in my creativity, and around the right people. Now the struggle is to find the time to try and go back to that place (in my head) when real life is going on around me. And it has been a definite struggle. There has been plenty of thinking time, which I’m learning is vital when you can’t physically write, a time to immerse myself in my story and characters, and not feel guilty if there are no words on the page that particular day, the thinking is just as valuable. But I’m not always finding that this then moves to the page itself. To start myself off, I continued to type up all my handwritten scribbles (from where I’d stopped whilst away- finding my way in) and it has been useful to see just how many ideas I’ve had and to see areas I could expand on. But it’s all still very much a jumble of words, paragraphs and sections, with no real order to it all. That becomes one of the next tasks, but I only feel I can attempt that when I can see the novel as a whole. Writing my synopsis for the retreat was a step in the right direction, but there is still lots of work to do there, and so I’ve made a start on re-writing that. The other job I want to do (as suggested by Rowan) is to plot out the basics of my novel, again to be able to see the bigger picture and take a step back from the jumble for a while. And I gallantly made a start, laying out my post-its in different colours. I was pleased to start with, thinking I was getting there. But as I looked at what I’d done so far, I knew that it wasn’t quite right, and that I needed to start again, And that’s where I am now. I haven’t started it as yet as for some reason I’m finding it a real struggle.

The frustration has well and truly set in as my initial enthusiasm from the start of the month seems to have dissipated. I’m still thinking, and scribbling ideas from other sources, but I feel I’m back to where I was, struggling to see the plot clearly enough to record it in the way that I want. I’ll explain in more detail- I started by doing alternate chapters for my two main characters but as I was jotting things down and the line of post its was getting longer, I realised that I was focusing far too much on the back story so I almost need to flip the whole thing on its head, and start from a totally different point, tell the story in a better way. And so I’m aware of what I need to be doing, but as I’ve said, can’t seem to start. Not quite what I’d envisaged after my return from such an inspiring weekend. I’ve been doing a lent challenge again this year, writing short pieces each day, from a prompt. Whilst its been good, and I am writing, I do feel that I’m using it as a distraction from what I feel I should be doing, or am I just making excuses? I feel I’ve lots my novel writing mojo a bit. And the thinking has become stuck too, with finding that I can’t get my head in to either the story or my characters enough. But I know I don’t want to give up. I want to be able to plot, I do! To be able to follow the brilliant advice given to me by someone who knows. But why can’t I seem to see that bigger picture and what does it mean? Maybe I’m just thinking too much, piling the pressure on, and therefore blanking my mind in the process, leading to further frustration and feeling what spare time I do have I am wasting by my inability to think clearly.  I live in a vicious circle.

Another frustration for me has been Writers Group, and I know I’ve voiced this before. Am I going for the right reasons, or out of a sense of loyalty? More and more I’m coming away frustrated and annoyed, that I’ve wasted an evening when I could have been writing (or at least attempting to) I have enjoyed some weeks, when we’ve had workshops and I feel it has been useful., but I’m not sure its enough. So what do I do next? Find another group, that suits my own needs better? But then how do you know? I’m still debating the problem now. I decided not to go to the first on of the month and I didn’t feel guilty, but then if I did, surely I’m not there for the right reasons? Instead I had a constructive evening of writing and plotting, so I didn’t feel that I’d missed out on anything. I did go to the second meeting, even though I wasn’t sure as it was an Open Mic and I’d put my name down to read. I had some lovely comments about the poems that I’d picked, and from people I didn’t know, so it did make me realise and remember how writing poems helped with my moods, so a nice reminder to use that to my advantage, to help get my frustrations out, and you never know what might be useful. So another decision not yet reached. Being around my fellow writers at the retreat has opened my mind to the people that can help me, so will use them as another avenue, through email or social media for support too.

And so the month has very much been a series of ups and downs. The positives being the retreat (obviously) and a writers block workshop that I attended (at work, but very useful!) as well as the lent challenge for making me write at least something. But there has been an awful lot of starting and stopping, of not knowing what to do next and how to get there. Free writing (at workshop and a couple of other occasions) has been good,as has re-reading some other novels set in Cornwall- thank you Liz Fenwick) to help get me somewhat in the right place, but still everything is no clearer. And I’m not sure, given all the positive things done and learnt, why I can’t seem to get to the other side. I can only hope that the fog clears and things become a bit brighter, if only I can learn to take the pressure off. I need to stop looking to the past and keep moving forward, taking everything I’ve learnt so far with me. After all, every journey starts with a first step and I need to stop being afraid of taking it. A little something is better than completely nothing after all. And if in any doubt, just keep looking at my mission statement (Thanks again to Rowan!) for the push forward that I need!

(And if any of you are reading this, I want to shout out to all the lovely ladies, who helped me on my way, just being being there in our bubble- Paula, Bernadette, Rosemary, Julia, Litty, Suzy, Fiona, Debbie, Jen and Anne, as well as Emma, Miranda, Lizzy, Rowan and Julie- you are all amazing, thank you).

February 2017- Facing the fears

I don’t like to start on a negative note, but you can only build up to the positive right?

And so the crisis of confidence continued into the start of the month, and not just in my writing, but as I struggle to place where I want to be. Having a job that I have an interest in and provides me with a good challenge is important to me and I need to work in order to live, pay the bills. As much as I would love to write full time, it’s not a realistic prospect right now. And so, I keep applying for things, attempting to keep my options open only to be knocked back each time and I have to question, what next? I know I don’t want to stay where I am, that much is clear to me and the coaching sessions I’m having were helping me to focus my applications and ideas to a point. But now I’m becoming impatient as I’m ready to go, but with no clear destination, it’s all so frustrating. Do I just carry on and hope my time comes soon? Now you may be wondering what this all has to do with writing, but to me it’s all relative. I question myself generally, and that includes my writing, the fear that I’m doing it all wrong, that I will never get there, that it all seems such a big and unachievable task.

I’m currently struggling to see the end of the tunnel as I look through the ‘mess’ that is supposedly my novel. There are good sections, having scanned through it, paragraphs and ideas, some that Id forgotten about. But as they are in no particular order currently, it makes it harder to see where it’s all going and find the faith in myself that I will get there. And I’m scared. Of what this writing weekend  (now just days away) will bring, if I’m good enough and what I’ve sent is right. This month has been a roller-coaster of emotions and doubt with a severe lack of confidence thrown in. What am I doing? This wall keeps coming up and it’s harder to get over it each time, as I put too much pressure on myself. And yet, sometimes it takes a bit longer, but I do manage to get to the other side. I did manage to prepare all that was asked of me for the retreat, and it was a learning curve, to see how disjointed my novel is and trying to see what I’m really trying to say. But the synopsis was done, and the first chapter, so one hurdle, so now building up to the next one. I’m excited, yet nervous about the weekend, but my one hope is that I’ll come away feeling inspired and have some good feedback to work to moving forward. The task of writing the synopsis did provide me with some idea of where I’m supposedly heading, so I just have to keep going until I get there. And I will.

So I’m building to the positive, albeit slowly! As quoted in a recent article I came across, I’m trying to be my own superhero, taking control and doing something about my writing career. I’m the only one that can make things happen. And doing this retreat is another step in the right direction. I’ve got to start having more faith, in both myself and my writing, as well as my goals. I need to stop trying to be someone that I’m not. I need to find my own personal style and way of doing things, my own way. There is nothing wrong with being inspired by other people, in fact I see that as a positive, but stop keep trying to change to be more like them. I AM ME, and it’s all about learning to like who that is, and following my own plans. I was lucky enough to be a beta reader for Sarah Painter’s writing book- ‘Stop Worrying ; Start Writing’ and it couldn’t have come at a better time for me, the help that was very much needed. It has given me much to think about and the confidence to continue, as well as the opportunity to help out another writer, I strongly recommend it once it has been published, I will certainly be getting a copy, to keep drawing back to on those bad days, remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing.

And so to quote another fellow writer, I’m just making it up as I go along (Marian Keyes) and finding my own way.  The end of the month has definitely been better than the start. Although there are just not enough hours in the day to get done all that I need, particularly when I struggle to ‘switch heads’, I know I don’t want to give up. I just have to be more accepting of the bad days when forcing something out of nothing won’t help anyone, and move forward, work on making sure the next day is better. As mentioned, prep was done for the retreat and I’ve been working more on my novel since, as well as submitting one short story for a competition and working on a second for another. So there is still plenty to keep busy with. I’m working on trying to plan my time better, making notes on what I would like to achieve in the amount of time that I have, and hopefully this will help more with my focus. Yes I still have doubts, what writer doesn’t? But I’m trying to make the negatives into positives. For example, reading through my past short stories as well as others submitted for the same competitions has made me see what I’m missing. And that I like some of my early stuff, feeling the rawness and the style I was trying to emulate. Have I lost something along the way, become boring, or have I just simply changed? Something to certainly be more aware of as I continue on my journey. Another positive, my columns. After a flurry of ideas, I have a couple already written and ready to go, with another couple still in progress. But by building a bank as the inspiration presents itself, I feel less pressured when the time comes to submit and be published.

So lots to be thankful for, despite a shaky start, and lots to look forward to. So here’s to a positive month going forward, where I hope to be so inspired after my retreat (and I can’t wait to share what I learn) that I will struggle to take my pen from the paper and stop for air!