August 2016- Onwards......

‘A winner is a dreamer who never gives up’- Nelson Mandela

And I certainly feel like one, what a month!! It started well and has continued in the same vein right until the last day, and hopefully onwards. It’s rare that I can say that, but it has certainly been a positive few weeks.  I’m determined to get to where I want to be, be that with my writing or my work life. Sure I’ve suffered a few setbacks along the way, but they will only make me stronger and more determined, once I’ve got over the disappointment that is. But I’m even doing better there too, picking myself up quickly and getting on with the next thing. If it’s not meant to be, then I will be patient and wait for when it is. I know, too much of the motivational quotes, but it’s helping me!  I’ve recently purchased a couple of books- ‘The Pursuit of Awesome’ and ‘How to get into Publishing’ and I hope they will help me along the way, both in life and writing. It helps to take a step back to think about where I want to be and how best to move forward, and I don’t think anyone would dismiss a little help along the way. So let me tell you why the last few weeks have been the most positive I’ve had in a while…

So it all started with working on and finishing my short story competition entries. I’d set myself a deadline to get them in way before the closing dates, so that I could go away and know that I was in a good place, leaving room to focus on the task in hand, my novel. But more on that later. I’d committed myself to submitting entries, so therefore I wasn’t going to give up and not bother. It felt good to stick to my writing goals, despite the fact that my novel was currently on hold. Who knows if they will come to anything, but at least I’ve tried, you have to be in it to win it after all. The same went for an application for a bursary to attend the ‘Festival of Writing’ in York early next month. I would love to go, but can’t currently afford it, so applied just the same as many others.  I’ve since found out that I didn’t get that or win one of the competitions, but I won’t be put off. Whilst I wait for the other two competitions to pick their winners, I will of course keep my fingers crossed, but I will keep looking out for ways and means to get my voice heard and attend all the events and workshops that I want to go to, my time will come! Therefore I will continue to look out for competitions and other little projects, breaking up my writing time, and who knows what will come out of it, only time will tell.

But my main and biggest positive this month has to be my novel. I’m going even so far to say that I’m proud of myself. The trip to Cornwall proved invaluable, as I hoped it would be and there were lots of notes and scribbles whilst we were away, carrying on from where I’d left off. I felt much better once I could get a sense of the place and my character in it. Like with articles on the same subject, there is only so much you can get from looking at things online and from pictures. But it’s only when you’re actually there, that it all becomes to feel a bit more real.  I found myself getting back into my novel, working on ideas, some new, and seeing where they take me, and so it’s continued since returning. My head and heart are still in Cornwall and I want to be back there, immersing myself in the world of my novel. Is this a good thing? Currently, I would say yes as its helping me with my writing at least, the flurry of words a testament to that in the few weeks since I’ve been back.  I’m finally able to see my story in my head and where it wants to go. It’s a good feeling, with lots to work on and think about.  

As per usual, I spent some time beating myself up a little whilst I was away, for not doing enough writing where I felt I should. But looking back I gained a wealth of ideas and did do some writing, but I have to remember that it was also a holiday with family, and not solely a writing retreat for me. But I am even more inspired by Cornwall and looking at what I did do, there was more than I thought, with ideas and a real sense of place, and I’ve realised that the rest has come later, in all the writing I’ve done since then. That’s the beauty of writing. You can inhabit a world of your own making, yours to return to whenever you want. And that’s what reading has done for me too. I owe a huge thank you to both  Liz Fenwick and Emylia Hall for helping me get back on track with my novel, as well as Cornwall!

It was a strange feeling just the other day to come to the end of a full notebook of scribbles and ideas that has accompanied me for months, and to now be faced with the fear of the blank page again, like starting over. But like beginning another month, it will be just like an extension of the last, and just means that I will now have to carry both with me, as well as a folder containing the rest of the novel, so that I don’t miss anything, and I know where I left off and have something to refer back to. I will not be scared back into the writing rut, at least for a long while yet.

Whilst away and since coming back, I’ve also been devouring some of my books set in Cornwall, some re-reading and some new to help keep the inspiration flowing and bring in new ideas and thoughts. But whilst it has been a useful task, I’m trying not to get stuck on Cornwall books though; you know what they say about too much of a good thing. And I can get lots of ideas for my own novel by reading a variety of books, and not just thoughts on the setting. I’m learning that anything can spark an idea. Its not that I want to replicate the books I’m reading, but draw ideas from them and create my own story, inspired by others. And I’ve found through my reading of Cornwall set books that there can be positives and negatives. Two were brilliant for ideas and inspiration (thank you Liz Fenwick and Emylia Hall!!) where as one, although I enjoyed it, I didn’t get out of it what I expected. So there lies the trouble in relying just on books set where you want yours to be, Inspiration can come from the most unlikely sources.  Okay, so I might struggle over what to read next, scared the thread will be lost, but I can’t put all the pressure on gaining the spark from what I read.  But then I’ve now found that I’m building up a good collection of poetry books, so it would be good to find the time to try and look through them, a slightly different source of ideas. And that has reminded me of my boards on Pinterest. It’s been a while since I’ve looked at or used them, so I mustn’t forget they are there, storing a whole wealth of ideas. And I have all my hundreds of photos from my trip, to take me back to how I felt on a certain day.

And so I haven’t stopped writing since the start of the month, give or take a few days, but then I have to fit life around it when I can! But I’m not going to feel guilty. That’s the way things are, and I will always have it to come back to, and sometimes a few days away can spark fresh ideas and inspiration, so I won’t see it as a bad thing. As I write this, I’m starting three days off from work, and just to concentrate on my writing, so I hope that September will be as fruitful as the last month, but I will at least start it determined and ready! Find your happy place, a quote I heard just the other day, and I’m starting to believe I have, on the page and so today is a good day, and long may it continue.

‘Because you’re amazing, just the way you are’ Bruno Mars

‘Write your story and share it with the world’

‘Still I rise’- Maya Angelou

July 2016-I still believe in me( well, just about!)

I hate these months where I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing. I couldn’t even tell you where July has gone, and in some ways I feel I’ve disappeared with the days, and my writing along with it. I feel repressed. Like work is stopping me from doing what I need to be doing. I promised I wouldn’t be one of those people who let the day job (if it’s not writing related) take over and I thought I’d kept that promise. But subconsciously I’ve done just that. It has squashed all the words and ideas inside me down so much that I’m left with a scrabble of what I’m not sure, or the frustration of an empty page, not being able to express all what I’m thinking into words on paper. Writing is who I am, or at least who I think I am and I believe that’s why I hate days, weeks like this. I just want to cry. And it’s been a bit like that over the last few weeks.

It’s all very well having these wonderful ideas and plans, but only if you see them through, do something about it. I’m forever jumping the gun, trying to follow other writers lead, but I never seem to go anywhere. I have a whiteboard and empty sketchbook (both brilliant ideas for helping lay out and plan your novel, I add) currently redundant in the corner of my room. What good are they to me there? It’s like I’m scared. I want to do it but I don’t know where to start, that I’ve just done everything the wrong way round. I’m still finding my own way. I hope that these tools will be put to good use eventually, but right now I’m feeling a little lost.

I realise that I’m moaning on a lot, but unfortunately there seems to have been more frustrating than happy days. Saying that, I’ve been learning a lot as I’ve finished typing up all my scribbles for my novel- what I like and don’t like and how I can see the story up to a point. The early writing is okay and I still like my initial idea, but a lot's changed since I wrote those first few pages, and it has now evolved. I’m still including everything at this stage, I don’t want to lose any gems, but I can already see what doesn’t fit, the clunky sentences and descriptions, how my writing has changed since starting the project. By the time all my scribbles were typed up, I found that I’ve now got over 32,000 words recorded. That may sound like I’m well on the way, and I know I should note each small milestone as that’s about 15,000 more words than I had, and a lot more than I thought- its amazing when you record everything by hand, it catches you by surprise when you put it all together. So now I have what seems like a good body of work, and in some ways it is. But it is also a muddle of words now I’m still stuck/ lost on what to do next. I’m beginning to doubt myself, that I will ever get there, as I keep hitting hurdle after hurdle.

I suffer quite a lot, both with writing and so it seems, everything else, with a severe lack of motivation and a large dose of beating myself up regularly over it. I can’t find the words, or muse and I sit and stare at nothing, hoping the magic will happen. But of course it never does. Things just don’t work like that. I recently read an article about finding a writing habit that works for you, and one particular point struck a chord with me- ‘never beat yourself up for missing a day’s writing. It will kill all your motivation. Return to your goals and tweak if you have been a little over ambitious. ’ Extremely sound advice. I would like to say that I will no longer be that person, but as with most things, much easier said than done, but I promise I will at least try. I’m not very good at being kind to myself as you’ve probably gathered. Writing shouldn’t be a chore, you should do it because you need to not because you have to. I think I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. Although I don’t think of it as a chore, it still frustrates me when nothing comes out, like I’ve wasted a chance. Even this blog was hard going to start with, that I nearly gave up. But I didn’t, and as I’ve gone on the words have begun to flow. That’s what I need to do. Just write something, anything and let the words take form as they are written. It doesn’t even have to be relevant, just as long as there are words on a page.

‘The way to write a book is to actually write a book. A pen is useful, typing is also good. Keep putting words on the page’ Anne Enright

I’ve been looking back through all my scribbled ideas and ramblings (in the notebook that comes everywhere with me, I’m on number five now, and it is nearly full) to show me on those bad days that I can be creative- of the over brimming ideas and inspiration that I’ve had. It helps me to remember that its not all bad. And the full folder of poems and short stories is also testament to that. This will be particularly useful when my mind is almost too full and distracted to get a single word done. There is always tomorrow, a new day and a fresh start. Don’t ever give up hope.

And as I’m writing all this done, I can feel a small ray of hope.  I may have a muddle of 30,000 words, but I can go back and sort it out later, just so long as I get to the end, however that may be. I will continue to write, as the ideas come, and work out where they go later. I think that’s the only way I’ll get to the end. As long as I don’t give up. I will keep telling myself this even as I watch others around me going that one step further. You have to be ‘in’ to even stand a chance of getting noticed, so I will keep writing and one day my chance will come too.

I have a column to finish, two short stories to edit and complete for competitions (from the wealth of ideas, knew things would come in useful!) and although they are a distraction from my WIP, they are still important. I am still writing and the rest will come, if I just let it….

‘But I still believe in all my dreams

And all that I can be

To learn from mistakes, do all that it takes

To make it eventually

I still believe in me’

June 2016- Just keep writing…

Write as well as you can, you’ve made that decision’

I hate those days when nothing seems to go right, to fit. I can feel my head pound and my insides coil up with the frustration. My mind is blank and however hard I try, nothing seems to be happening. Whatever I manage to write is disjointed and doesn’t really make sense. I just know that it will be rewritten on one of the better days. The pressure of feeling I have to at least write something intensifies and I’m tired. I’m a perfectionist and however many times I tell myself that it’s okay, I know for me that it’s not. I have to feel like I’ve achieved something, that maybe my life has meaning, and I’m not going to get that by doing nothing. I’ve made my life this vicious circle. Some months are better than others, with more good days than bad, so I suppose I ought to take all the positive from that. Are all writers the same as me? Is it part of the make up? I’ve taken to recording achievements of each day and at the start (probably about two years ago), it seemed relevant, so I could see that actually I’d done more than I thought, that it was good to celebrate even the little things. But now even that has lost what it should have, and almost become a list of jobs, what I do each day- not exactly what it’s supposed to do. So maybe a step back needed; a review- and not just on my writing either, but on who I am and how I do things. A chance to read others experiences, learn from them, adapt and make some changes, however small and lessen the pressure on myself. It can’t be good for me after all. I hope that it would then allow me to use the time I do have more effectively and to a better purpose than I am currently doing.

Why do I write?? It’s a question I’ve forever asking myself and I’m still not sure I know the right answer. Ultimately, I believe that it is because I have something to say and the best way to express that is with words.  And I can tell you certainly that I’m not just doing it to get published. I just want to feel that I’m doing something worthwhile. I have notebooks full of paragraphs and disjointed sentences and maybe a smattering of good ideas, but all in the same place and although I like to call it that, I don’t yet feel that it resembles a novel. I spend a lot of my time fretting. Should I have done this, should I have done that, but never seeming to be where I should. I still feel, that despite my best efforts, I’m still in the initial stages and sabotaged by my day job and other writing I do whilst I’m  working on it, constant distractions wherever I look.  

‘A greater part of writing than you might suppose relies upon  the writer ignoring or temporarily setting aside  a whole circus troupe of ugly fears and just typing, in spite of them’ A L Kennedy

This has described me down to the last word, and what I’m working towards, but I spend a long time trying to get past the stage where I just write and get over all my anxieties.

‘Start well and then veers off somewhere horrible and I’m bogged down and concerned over the bad sentences and possible relevance, will it work?

I have no self-belief in my own writing and my biggest stumbling block is getting the first draft done. I feel isolated and not able to share my frustrations, my little niggles, for fear that no one else can help. I am bewildered.  Navigation is an issue; I’m getting lost along the way. Can I navigate myself through this novel?  Well I won’t know unless I try! It’s all the other things that are stopping me from writing- the stream of minute but undeniably important at the time interruptions. They are getting in the way. The only thing that can save me is doing what I have to do and finding ways to make the best of it, and if not working on the novel, but on other projects, then so be it, at least I’m doing something, better than nothing at all. And so it’s back to planning. It’s what I keep coming back to (what I should have done to begin with) as I make a start and then stop; carrying on with research and perhaps a bit of writing, before planning again as once more I’ve lost my way, not knowing essentially what my story is.

An ideal writing day, is there such a thing? To write at least a paragraph of something. A small, but you would hope, perfectly achievable aim, but some days, I’m still unable to fulfill. Ideal would be not to let everything else get in the way- Get up, write (once dressed!) Lunch, more writing, dinner, maybe a bit more and only then chill out with a book or watch TV. Reality- Work, scribble something at lunch, more work, commute either way (driving so no writing) and evening writing if I’m in. Still I suppose little is better than nothing. Procrastination, something I’m getting very good at! (annoyingly) Finding even the smallest thing- is my desk tidy enough, shall I put these papers away- to distract from actually writing, doing something with the WIP. And just knowing the internet is a touch of a mouse away is the worst distraction of all. But then I have to remember that I do have a life outside of my writing, and that it’s okay to be busy with other jobs and hobbies and have a break, just as long as I come back to it!

And there will always be other ideas and stories bubbling under the surface and that’s okay. I just need to try and focus most of my free time, if I can on one thing…. And I now have the trip in the summer, so that should give me a boost hopefully! I’ve been thinking a lot about things that can help me along the way, such as creating a writing soundtrack. As I type I often feel that something is missing, and not only will the music fill the silence, which just heightens my frustrations, it could also provide extra inspiration to what I’m writing. Worth a go at least, see if works for me. Working to a deadline. Shall I give myself a deadline to get the first draft finished by? Might not be a bad idea.  Worth a go at least, I would hope that it would make me more focused, like when I have a column due or this blog post to write. So I’m thinking Christmas. Maybe a little too adventurous given that it’s taken me over a year (I’m not even sure now, could be longer!) to get to where I am now. Stuff it, I’m going to do it, well aim for then at least. I will try and have at least some kind of completed novel in six months. Wow, I’m scared now I’ve said it out loud. Better to have a challenge!

‘Being scared is perfectly normal when starting to write.’

Am I still starting? Just how long has it been now since I decided that I needed to do something about it? At least 2 and a half years now I would say. Wow, longer than I thought. And yet, sometimes it feels like I’m just beginning, trying to find my feet. But then does the learning ever  stop? I’ve started to build up a list of all my writing achievements, and it’s been a good exercise, remembering just how far I’ve come, and picking me up on the worst days,

‘You’re not lost; you’re just finding your place.’

And that is just what I’m doing. It might not be what others consider to be the best way, but its working for me so far. I’ve typed up over 10,000 words over the last few weeks, all scribbles in my notebook, but I’m getting all my ideas in one place, and trying to see where I’m going.  Touch wood, it’s going well, as I type, new ideas and questions are being raised, and I’m starting to feel like a real writer of a novel. I’ve spent time doing research, with still more to do as I move forward. I feel like I’m immersing myself into my place and characters, picking up from where I’ve left off the day before and it is always on my mind, some nights I dream of the world I’m trying to create or its whirring round as I try to fall asleep. But at least I’m thinking about it. This is the first time since I started working on it that I’ve felt this way, does that mean I’m getting there? I’m working with my words and trying to build something. It is test of endurance and sometimes I feel like I’m failing, but for now I am keeping on keeping on.

So thank you to A L Kennedy for describing me down to the last full stop exactly how I’m feeling and where I am, and then lifting me out of that black hole. ‘Onwards.’

(A brilliant article on ‘how to find the end’- helping me to get there! https://t.co/ViaAPHcmGQ )

May 2016 –A turning point?

I sit and wait, stare at the half finished page a little longer. I can’t seem to find that spark of inspiration from yesterday and all the little things that were swimming around in my head have disappeared. It’s so frustrating. And just last week, and at the start of the month it all seemed to be going so well. The words just seemed to flow out of me like a renewed passion that seems now to have been snuffed out once again. I’ve told people I’m a writer and I’d like to believe it but there are certainly times when I doubt myself. And then there’s people asking ‘how is it going?’ and I’m never quite sure how to reply so I just say ‘okay’. Then I don’t have to commit, or admit defeat. That in reality it’s been a few days since I properly put pen to paper and written anything legible. A few scribbles here and there- lots of new ideas and thoughts but for something new instead of what I should be doing. My mind just doesn’t seem to want to concentrate. And it’s not like I can pinpoint a reason, blame it on something apart from my lack of imagination. I read the books, follow the writing tips, where am I going wrong?

And then it comes, like a flurry of snow. The pictures in my head, the sentences on the page, as if from nowhere. That spark of inspiration and another idea is born. I’m living in my characters world, seeing where she is, the people she meets. That’s the place where I need to be, but not just for a few hours (if I’m lucky) a day. I feel like a coiled up spring, frustration building. But on the good days,  because of the lack of writing time, the fact that having a full time job (which I currently need, but most days, don’t love) gets in the way and I have that lack of motivation for what I should be doing (what I get paid for). I’m obviously grateful for the fact that I’m having a good day/ week in terms of my writing/ work on the novel, but the struggle is with reality. I seem to be having fits and starts there too, it’s like a seemingly vicious circle in everything I do.  Am I chasing an impossible dream, with wanting to be noticed for my writing or at least be in the world of books and publishing somewhere?? The jury is still out on that verdict, as I continue to apply, and in some cases take extra time on what is needed in the applications, and continue to be rejected. Do I accept where I am and just get on with it? It’s a hard one, when I’m in a job that I’ll be honest, I’m a little bored and unchallenged,  what’s to say I’ll be any happier elsewhere. Until the day that maybe I can write full time, I will just continue trying to find that middle ground, fitting everything in. You have to be in it to win it after all, and as Invictus tells us ‘I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE.

And so I’ve let another month go past. Some pages have been written, not enough, but it’s something at least. Whether it’s good, only time will tell, but isn’t that what the rewrites are for? (if I ever get that far- as you can tell, patience isn’t a virtue of mine). At the start, it seemed to be going well, and most lunch breaks were filled to the brim with words scribbled across the pages, giving me something to lose myself in, away from the disappointments of everyday life (more on that later). But on those days where the novel muse seems to be hiding, maybe I should start taking seriously and not belittling the other scribbles.  There are more columns to be written, one published every month now so have to keep the mind whirring with new ideas, but always a help to have the family on that score! But there are other story ideas bubbling under the surface and in some ways I’m too scared to let them out completely, in the fear that all my hard work on my novel will be forgotten and go to waste with the distraction of something new. I need to learn the art of being more disciplined, that it’s okay to refresh your mind now and again, enter competitions and write short pieces to get the creative juices flowing. I wonder how many times I will be reminding myself of that? Plus there is the positive side too of writing something different, a QuickFic here, a task for writer’s group there- I’m building up a treasure chest of ideas, and who knows where they will take me in the future? And doing what I should be doing, which is writing!!

But even writing this blog each month is an achievement that I don’t think about. Once I put my mind to it, I can actually write a decent amount of words, and mostly in one hit, so why can I not put the same method into practice when it comes to my novel? I think I’ve been learning the hard way, and only just hit on what I need to be doing.  ‘I CAN AND I WILL’- I need more of a routine and less distractions (easier said than done), less excuses. Making the time to write, even when I don’t really feel like it. There never seems to be a ‘right time’, who can honestly say that about anything? But instead, I’m breaking down what I’m doing into smaller chunks- a task a day if you like and just focusing on that. There is nothing worse than looking at your notebook, trying to magic up the muse that just won’t appear and you can’t get into the mind of the character. So start in a different place! Now I’ve finally realised this, I can honestly say I feel much more determined, so watch this space!

And so I thank you Freya North, you were my ‘turning point’ when I was ready to go back and hide under my writers block rock. Sorry for stealing your title, but it really was your book of the same name that helped me out this time and I will be eternally grateful.  Alongside the fact that the summer holiday is booked, and the research trip now seems very real, I want to go now! It’s given me renewed enthusiasm, much like I had just four and a bit weeks ago- and I’m back planning properly, with the assistance of post its! (Thanks Julie Cohen and Rosie Walsh) as well as creating character profiles and a sense of place. The cottage we’ve booked is not in the area that I originally planned, but given that I’ve created my own fictional names for them, I don’t see why they couldn’t be based on real places, just a bit further along the coast. I may still visit the other locations, but I think I’ll wait until I at least get into the county before I decide.  So for now, further research is underway and the excitement levels are building just letting everything float around in my head.

There is so much more that I could have waffled on about, but I think I’ve covered most of it, so I’ll see you again soon, when who knows where I will be on my journey, just so long as I stay on the path and don’t keep losing my way… now where is that map?

April 2016- In the driving seat!

Began the month as I mean to go on, with a renewed enthusiasm for my novel. I’ve started to write it again from the start, using new ideas and a slightly different direction and I’m determined to get the first draft completed now, however long that will take. But hopefully by planning it properly I won’t hit the same wall again. But I also took some time out to read ‘Writing a Novel’ to help me get the process right.  Although reading the book took up quite a bit of time, meaning that the actual carrying on with the writing came a bit later in the month.  But the book meant lots of notes and help me get back to getting started properly. It was really helpful and is now getting me thinking about how I want my novel to go and determined to have much more focus on it than I have in the past. I spent too much time making excuses, finding other things to do, such as competitions or other story ideas. It was like I didn’t have the motivation or confidence to get over the huge wall. Even though ‘Discovery Day’ was an amazing experience, I was then putting too much pressure on myself to get it right. Since going back over what I’d already done, making a plan, followed by all the notes from the book, made me realise that I’m doing okay, I just needed that little bit more reassurance.

‘Perfection is like chasing the horizon, keep moving.’- Neil Gaiman

A valuable lesson to learn. By going back and starting over, I’m not sure what I was expecting to begin with. I just wanted to get over that wall. I don’t think I was necessarily looking for perfection, but maybe I was in some small way. But now I know I just need to keep moving, keep writing, get that story out. And as the month has drawn to a close, I’ve finally started to work on my novel again, and it feels so good! Whilst I’ve almost been beating myself up for not writing (I must stop doing that!!), I’ve learnt that it’s been good to have that break and now feel more than ready to tackle the big challenge ahead, and the step back was just what was needed, as well as some research and reassurance. Now to see where it takes me, but I’m excited, which is more than I have been in quite a while.

‘You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can’t edit a blank page.’ –Jodi Picoult

‘Writing is about learning to pay attention and communicate what is going on’- Anne Lamott.

Even though I have been attempting to keep focus on one project, I can’t stop any new ideas forming; just store them away for when at least one novel is finished! I’m back to scribbles before bed and sometimes when I get up, and whilst at Writers Group- a good way to be! Collecting ideas, starts of stories. I feel I must take more time to listen and look out for things- a story can be found in anything! For example, I was inspired a little by one of the walks we did whilst on holiday in the Lake District this month. It’s funny as I would almost expect to be inspired by such wonderful surroundings, but then realise that I’m too busy to find the time when on a family holiday to sit down and write. But that doesn’t mean inspiration can’t be found from anywhere, particularly where and when you least expect it.  Following that, I am now back in the swing of doing the weekly QuickFic pieces and enjoying the quick break, doing something completely different. That’s where doing the Lent challenge has really helped me with my writing. But on the other hand, I have to maintain focus on one main project at a time, until, at least the first draft is finished, as otherwise I will become too distracted and never really live in the story that I want to write.

In other news, the competition winners were finally announced at Writers Group and really proud of the two top placed winners, as well as that I took the effort to enter. Tom, one of the members picked my poem as his favourite out of the ones entered and although not picked by the judges, I was given an extra prize and won a notebook- very unexpected after all the kerfuffle of announcing the winners, but really pleased!  And despite the small numbers attending the meeting, it was one of the best I’ve been to in a while. To make a better use of the time left at the meeting, we were given the task of writing 100 words about an object on the table in front of us. It was a lot of fun and seeing what we came up with was really interesting. We are, at the end of the day, a writers group, so it felt good to write together. Last month a task was set for members to write a short piece of 150 words, given the same title to work from. So a bit like the QuickFic's in a way.  We won’t get to share them until next month, but I’ve taken the time to work on two pieces and also edit them done so they are ready to go! I’ve also worked on a couple of columns, one submitted early before going on holiday and another already prepared for next month. The rota for the contributors has taken a battering recently and with only 4 of us left on the rota, I’m finding it harder to keep coming up with fresh ideas. But I also enjoy writing them, so a bit like a vicious circle really. Just have to make sure they don’t distract too much from the main focus!

I’m still hoping that one day I will be able to work with a world of writing, whether that is writing for a living, or within publishing. I got my #TheScheme application in, so who knows what the future brings, but I have to keep trying!  And so, it has been quite an eventful month all taken into consideration, but I’m excited to finally be back on the right path with my writing, long may it continue!

March 2016- Coming back....

Not the start I wanted, especially after such an amazing day at the weekend. First day of the month and very fed up. Hate days like these where I feel I can’t do anything, let alone write. But despite that, I did manage to complete the QuickFic for the day’s Lent Challenge and a poem attempting to get out my frustrations. I did lose sight for a bit, but thankfully didn’t last long and I could carry on the month in the way that I felt happier.

And so to Writers Group meetings for the month, and couldn’t have been more different from each other. At the first, I read my CSMA story, after explaining that I had been shortlisted for their competition. I got some really positive feedback and thoughts, so a confidence boost when it was needed. Also asked to tell the group about our experience at Discovery Day, which most seemed interested in. An evening of lots of scribbles and ideas, including more on one of my other novel ideas (Bookshop) and feel the idea is starting to form more in my head. And then to the second meeting of the month. For the first time since I started going, I didn’t really enjoy it and felt a little uncomfortable. It became, not about writing so much, but the politics of the committee, so glad that I’m not on it! Eventually we did hear some pieces and an idea came out of the meeting for all members to write something from a title (much like our QuickFic) and we will read out at the next meeting. But I hope that we don’t ever have another week like that, it certainly put a dampener on everyone.

One of my main tasks this month, as with starting it last month, has been my Lent Challenge. It has certainly been interesting as well as helpful along the way for example; just writing the first thing that comes into my head with no edits. Having now completed it and gone back to read all forty pieces, some 250 words, some longer has made me see the change in my writing and also my capability to write different styles.

It is a type of thinking that I now need to adopt towards my novel as I’m currently spending too much time and effort putting pressure on myself to get it exactly right, but I just need to write at the moment at get the first draft done! Having spent some time looking back over everything that I’d already written, making notes and edits as I have gone along, I now feel in a better place in which to get that draft done. But it has not been without a lot of questioning on my part- is there a right way of doing things and have I done things wrong with how I’ve gone about my novel so far? Having talked to other authors, I doubted myself. Having started well, but with no real planning, it meant I hit a very large wall and I got over that by going back and editing, looking at where I wanted my story to go. So although it may not have been what others would do, it worked for me this time, but I’ve also learnt what to do for the next one! Now I just need to see where my fingers take me and the words that come out onto the page. It doesn’t have to be perfect, the concept I think that has bothered me, just written and the tidying up can come later. Given the feedback from the agent at Discovery Day, I believe I have unwittingly been putting far too much pressure on myself, but all it has done is marred my inspiration. So although I want to leave in the back of my mind for motivation, it will not take over. The idea and vision is still there, so now I just need to find the words. So I have now continued from the re-written first page (shown to the agent) and will finish this first draft with no more editing, but alongside some better planning and plotting, I’m looking forward to getting stuck in!

Am I chasing an unreachable dream by wanting to write? I still don’t know, and I won’t unless I try. But that doesn’t stop me forever doubting myself. When I’m working, I want to write, and when I have that available time to do it, I’m often distracted or struggle to focus which leads to further doubt. It’s a vicious circle that I’m currently stuck in. But whilst I continue to try and attain my dream, I feel that I am becoming who I’m meant to be, so I must be doing something right?  I’m standing up for what I believe in, sharing my journey with others and learning from them too, It’s a place I feel I belong, the world of writing, so will try and stay here for as long as I can. Although I beat myself up regularly for the procrastination of social media and the fact that the day job gets in the way, I’m learning all the time, and often find inspiration and motivation from tweets or Facebook posts, so it can help sometimes! I just need to learn to get the balance right.

So there have been a few new things this month. The first was a visit to Scribal Gathering. This is a local event for live music and poetry. I will definitely be going again, it was a really good evening and even got a few scribbles out of it. Also attended two author events, giving insight into their journey from pen to publication and both were very inspiring. My goal is to try and get to many more of these kind of events, to try and be around the right people an environment to build on my own creativity. Following from last month’s Discovery Day, I’m constantly learning from those around me, whether that be online or physically. But it’s not just other writers that I feel inspired by. I feel so lucky to have my good friends and family beside me, and feel so grateful for all their love and support. I wouldn’t be pursuing my dream if it wasn’t for them, so thank you!

In terms of the competitions that I entered, I found out that I didn’t get shortlisted for any of them. But that has not put me off, I will keep writing and entering, finding my voice. That’s what I’m learning, not to give up. If I do, what am I doing it all for? Besides you have to be in it to win it, so the same goes for the larger writing projects. One day….. On a similar note, I have also applied for #TheScheme16- this is an opportunity provided by Penguin for an internship. Although it is only for a year, if I’m successful, this may be the opening that I need to find myself within the industry itself, learning and being challenged. I have a little wait to hear about my application, but as with all the other publishing roles that I continue to apply for, I will keep trying, my time will come!

And so, I may have had a wobble at the start of the month, but feel I’m now back on track and on my way, with at least some idea of where I’m going! Looking forward to what the future will bring, in whatever shape it may take, just as long as I’m writing!

Rediscovering the love of writing

Determined to stick to my goal of writing each day, it has been interesting to see where it has taken me. Since the start of the year, I’m pleased to say that so far I have stuck to my goal and hope to continue to do so. By giving myself small projects to focus on, such as writing competitions and the Lent challenge, I’m not only writing, but I’ve picked up my novel again, which is very exciting. After the initial spark and hurried scribbling, I felt it had petered off and I had become stuck. So I did what I thought was best and put to one side, instead concentrating on other projects. Along the way I’ve been thinking a lot about my novel and to help me, I’ve decided to go back to basics. First, creating a visual board of notes and pictures and then relooking at what I’d already done- editing parts and making notes along the way. Although I’ve yet to sit down and actually carry on from where I left off, I feel like I’ve come a long way and am amazed at how much it’s evolved from my original idea. I have a lot to work on and look forward to. So it just goes to show that by sticking to my small goal of a little each day, I’ve rediscovered my love of writing and my novel and I can’t wait to get going each day!