May 2016 –A turning point?

I sit and wait, stare at the half finished page a little longer. I can’t seem to find that spark of inspiration from yesterday and all the little things that were swimming around in my head have disappeared. It’s so frustrating. And just last week, and at the start of the month it all seemed to be going so well. The words just seemed to flow out of me like a renewed passion that seems now to have been snuffed out once again. I’ve told people I’m a writer and I’d like to believe it but there are certainly times when I doubt myself. And then there’s people asking ‘how is it going?’ and I’m never quite sure how to reply so I just say ‘okay’. Then I don’t have to commit, or admit defeat. That in reality it’s been a few days since I properly put pen to paper and written anything legible. A few scribbles here and there- lots of new ideas and thoughts but for something new instead of what I should be doing. My mind just doesn’t seem to want to concentrate. And it’s not like I can pinpoint a reason, blame it on something apart from my lack of imagination. I read the books, follow the writing tips, where am I going wrong?

And then it comes, like a flurry of snow. The pictures in my head, the sentences on the page, as if from nowhere. That spark of inspiration and another idea is born. I’m living in my characters world, seeing where she is, the people she meets. That’s the place where I need to be, but not just for a few hours (if I’m lucky) a day. I feel like a coiled up spring, frustration building. But on the good days,  because of the lack of writing time, the fact that having a full time job (which I currently need, but most days, don’t love) gets in the way and I have that lack of motivation for what I should be doing (what I get paid for). I’m obviously grateful for the fact that I’m having a good day/ week in terms of my writing/ work on the novel, but the struggle is with reality. I seem to be having fits and starts there too, it’s like a seemingly vicious circle in everything I do.  Am I chasing an impossible dream, with wanting to be noticed for my writing or at least be in the world of books and publishing somewhere?? The jury is still out on that verdict, as I continue to apply, and in some cases take extra time on what is needed in the applications, and continue to be rejected. Do I accept where I am and just get on with it? It’s a hard one, when I’m in a job that I’ll be honest, I’m a little bored and unchallenged,  what’s to say I’ll be any happier elsewhere. Until the day that maybe I can write full time, I will just continue trying to find that middle ground, fitting everything in. You have to be in it to win it after all, and as Invictus tells us ‘I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE.

And so I’ve let another month go past. Some pages have been written, not enough, but it’s something at least. Whether it’s good, only time will tell, but isn’t that what the rewrites are for? (if I ever get that far- as you can tell, patience isn’t a virtue of mine). At the start, it seemed to be going well, and most lunch breaks were filled to the brim with words scribbled across the pages, giving me something to lose myself in, away from the disappointments of everyday life (more on that later). But on those days where the novel muse seems to be hiding, maybe I should start taking seriously and not belittling the other scribbles.  There are more columns to be written, one published every month now so have to keep the mind whirring with new ideas, but always a help to have the family on that score! But there are other story ideas bubbling under the surface and in some ways I’m too scared to let them out completely, in the fear that all my hard work on my novel will be forgotten and go to waste with the distraction of something new. I need to learn the art of being more disciplined, that it’s okay to refresh your mind now and again, enter competitions and write short pieces to get the creative juices flowing. I wonder how many times I will be reminding myself of that? Plus there is the positive side too of writing something different, a QuickFic here, a task for writer’s group there- I’m building up a treasure chest of ideas, and who knows where they will take me in the future? And doing what I should be doing, which is writing!!

But even writing this blog each month is an achievement that I don’t think about. Once I put my mind to it, I can actually write a decent amount of words, and mostly in one hit, so why can I not put the same method into practice when it comes to my novel? I think I’ve been learning the hard way, and only just hit on what I need to be doing.  ‘I CAN AND I WILL’- I need more of a routine and less distractions (easier said than done), less excuses. Making the time to write, even when I don’t really feel like it. There never seems to be a ‘right time’, who can honestly say that about anything? But instead, I’m breaking down what I’m doing into smaller chunks- a task a day if you like and just focusing on that. There is nothing worse than looking at your notebook, trying to magic up the muse that just won’t appear and you can’t get into the mind of the character. So start in a different place! Now I’ve finally realised this, I can honestly say I feel much more determined, so watch this space!

And so I thank you Freya North, you were my ‘turning point’ when I was ready to go back and hide under my writers block rock. Sorry for stealing your title, but it really was your book of the same name that helped me out this time and I will be eternally grateful.  Alongside the fact that the summer holiday is booked, and the research trip now seems very real, I want to go now! It’s given me renewed enthusiasm, much like I had just four and a bit weeks ago- and I’m back planning properly, with the assistance of post its! (Thanks Julie Cohen and Rosie Walsh) as well as creating character profiles and a sense of place. The cottage we’ve booked is not in the area that I originally planned, but given that I’ve created my own fictional names for them, I don’t see why they couldn’t be based on real places, just a bit further along the coast. I may still visit the other locations, but I think I’ll wait until I at least get into the county before I decide.  So for now, further research is underway and the excitement levels are building just letting everything float around in my head.

There is so much more that I could have waffled on about, but I think I’ve covered most of it, so I’ll see you again soon, when who knows where I will be on my journey, just so long as I stay on the path and don’t keep losing my way… now where is that map?

April 2016- In the driving seat!

Began the month as I mean to go on, with a renewed enthusiasm for my novel. I’ve started to write it again from the start, using new ideas and a slightly different direction and I’m determined to get the first draft completed now, however long that will take. But hopefully by planning it properly I won’t hit the same wall again. But I also took some time out to read ‘Writing a Novel’ to help me get the process right.  Although reading the book took up quite a bit of time, meaning that the actual carrying on with the writing came a bit later in the month.  But the book meant lots of notes and help me get back to getting started properly. It was really helpful and is now getting me thinking about how I want my novel to go and determined to have much more focus on it than I have in the past. I spent too much time making excuses, finding other things to do, such as competitions or other story ideas. It was like I didn’t have the motivation or confidence to get over the huge wall. Even though ‘Discovery Day’ was an amazing experience, I was then putting too much pressure on myself to get it right. Since going back over what I’d already done, making a plan, followed by all the notes from the book, made me realise that I’m doing okay, I just needed that little bit more reassurance.

‘Perfection is like chasing the horizon, keep moving.’- Neil Gaiman

A valuable lesson to learn. By going back and starting over, I’m not sure what I was expecting to begin with. I just wanted to get over that wall. I don’t think I was necessarily looking for perfection, but maybe I was in some small way. But now I know I just need to keep moving, keep writing, get that story out. And as the month has drawn to a close, I’ve finally started to work on my novel again, and it feels so good! Whilst I’ve almost been beating myself up for not writing (I must stop doing that!!), I’ve learnt that it’s been good to have that break and now feel more than ready to tackle the big challenge ahead, and the step back was just what was needed, as well as some research and reassurance. Now to see where it takes me, but I’m excited, which is more than I have been in quite a while.

‘You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can’t edit a blank page.’ –Jodi Picoult

‘Writing is about learning to pay attention and communicate what is going on’- Anne Lamott.

Even though I have been attempting to keep focus on one project, I can’t stop any new ideas forming; just store them away for when at least one novel is finished! I’m back to scribbles before bed and sometimes when I get up, and whilst at Writers Group- a good way to be! Collecting ideas, starts of stories. I feel I must take more time to listen and look out for things- a story can be found in anything! For example, I was inspired a little by one of the walks we did whilst on holiday in the Lake District this month. It’s funny as I would almost expect to be inspired by such wonderful surroundings, but then realise that I’m too busy to find the time when on a family holiday to sit down and write. But that doesn’t mean inspiration can’t be found from anywhere, particularly where and when you least expect it.  Following that, I am now back in the swing of doing the weekly QuickFic pieces and enjoying the quick break, doing something completely different. That’s where doing the Lent challenge has really helped me with my writing. But on the other hand, I have to maintain focus on one main project at a time, until, at least the first draft is finished, as otherwise I will become too distracted and never really live in the story that I want to write.

In other news, the competition winners were finally announced at Writers Group and really proud of the two top placed winners, as well as that I took the effort to enter. Tom, one of the members picked my poem as his favourite out of the ones entered and although not picked by the judges, I was given an extra prize and won a notebook- very unexpected after all the kerfuffle of announcing the winners, but really pleased!  And despite the small numbers attending the meeting, it was one of the best I’ve been to in a while. To make a better use of the time left at the meeting, we were given the task of writing 100 words about an object on the table in front of us. It was a lot of fun and seeing what we came up with was really interesting. We are, at the end of the day, a writers group, so it felt good to write together. Last month a task was set for members to write a short piece of 150 words, given the same title to work from. So a bit like the QuickFic's in a way.  We won’t get to share them until next month, but I’ve taken the time to work on two pieces and also edit them done so they are ready to go! I’ve also worked on a couple of columns, one submitted early before going on holiday and another already prepared for next month. The rota for the contributors has taken a battering recently and with only 4 of us left on the rota, I’m finding it harder to keep coming up with fresh ideas. But I also enjoy writing them, so a bit like a vicious circle really. Just have to make sure they don’t distract too much from the main focus!

I’m still hoping that one day I will be able to work with a world of writing, whether that is writing for a living, or within publishing. I got my #TheScheme application in, so who knows what the future brings, but I have to keep trying!  And so, it has been quite an eventful month all taken into consideration, but I’m excited to finally be back on the right path with my writing, long may it continue!

March 2016- Coming back....

Not the start I wanted, especially after such an amazing day at the weekend. First day of the month and very fed up. Hate days like these where I feel I can’t do anything, let alone write. But despite that, I did manage to complete the QuickFic for the day’s Lent Challenge and a poem attempting to get out my frustrations. I did lose sight for a bit, but thankfully didn’t last long and I could carry on the month in the way that I felt happier.

And so to Writers Group meetings for the month, and couldn’t have been more different from each other. At the first, I read my CSMA story, after explaining that I had been shortlisted for their competition. I got some really positive feedback and thoughts, so a confidence boost when it was needed. Also asked to tell the group about our experience at Discovery Day, which most seemed interested in. An evening of lots of scribbles and ideas, including more on one of my other novel ideas (Bookshop) and feel the idea is starting to form more in my head. And then to the second meeting of the month. For the first time since I started going, I didn’t really enjoy it and felt a little uncomfortable. It became, not about writing so much, but the politics of the committee, so glad that I’m not on it! Eventually we did hear some pieces and an idea came out of the meeting for all members to write something from a title (much like our QuickFic) and we will read out at the next meeting. But I hope that we don’t ever have another week like that, it certainly put a dampener on everyone.

One of my main tasks this month, as with starting it last month, has been my Lent Challenge. It has certainly been interesting as well as helpful along the way for example; just writing the first thing that comes into my head with no edits. Having now completed it and gone back to read all forty pieces, some 250 words, some longer has made me see the change in my writing and also my capability to write different styles.

It is a type of thinking that I now need to adopt towards my novel as I’m currently spending too much time and effort putting pressure on myself to get it exactly right, but I just need to write at the moment at get the first draft done! Having spent some time looking back over everything that I’d already written, making notes and edits as I have gone along, I now feel in a better place in which to get that draft done. But it has not been without a lot of questioning on my part- is there a right way of doing things and have I done things wrong with how I’ve gone about my novel so far? Having talked to other authors, I doubted myself. Having started well, but with no real planning, it meant I hit a very large wall and I got over that by going back and editing, looking at where I wanted my story to go. So although it may not have been what others would do, it worked for me this time, but I’ve also learnt what to do for the next one! Now I just need to see where my fingers take me and the words that come out onto the page. It doesn’t have to be perfect, the concept I think that has bothered me, just written and the tidying up can come later. Given the feedback from the agent at Discovery Day, I believe I have unwittingly been putting far too much pressure on myself, but all it has done is marred my inspiration. So although I want to leave in the back of my mind for motivation, it will not take over. The idea and vision is still there, so now I just need to find the words. So I have now continued from the re-written first page (shown to the agent) and will finish this first draft with no more editing, but alongside some better planning and plotting, I’m looking forward to getting stuck in!

Am I chasing an unreachable dream by wanting to write? I still don’t know, and I won’t unless I try. But that doesn’t stop me forever doubting myself. When I’m working, I want to write, and when I have that available time to do it, I’m often distracted or struggle to focus which leads to further doubt. It’s a vicious circle that I’m currently stuck in. But whilst I continue to try and attain my dream, I feel that I am becoming who I’m meant to be, so I must be doing something right?  I’m standing up for what I believe in, sharing my journey with others and learning from them too, It’s a place I feel I belong, the world of writing, so will try and stay here for as long as I can. Although I beat myself up regularly for the procrastination of social media and the fact that the day job gets in the way, I’m learning all the time, and often find inspiration and motivation from tweets or Facebook posts, so it can help sometimes! I just need to learn to get the balance right.

So there have been a few new things this month. The first was a visit to Scribal Gathering. This is a local event for live music and poetry. I will definitely be going again, it was a really good evening and even got a few scribbles out of it. Also attended two author events, giving insight into their journey from pen to publication and both were very inspiring. My goal is to try and get to many more of these kind of events, to try and be around the right people an environment to build on my own creativity. Following from last month’s Discovery Day, I’m constantly learning from those around me, whether that be online or physically. But it’s not just other writers that I feel inspired by. I feel so lucky to have my good friends and family beside me, and feel so grateful for all their love and support. I wouldn’t be pursuing my dream if it wasn’t for them, so thank you!

In terms of the competitions that I entered, I found out that I didn’t get shortlisted for any of them. But that has not put me off, I will keep writing and entering, finding my voice. That’s what I’m learning, not to give up. If I do, what am I doing it all for? Besides you have to be in it to win it, so the same goes for the larger writing projects. One day….. On a similar note, I have also applied for #TheScheme16- this is an opportunity provided by Penguin for an internship. Although it is only for a year, if I’m successful, this may be the opening that I need to find myself within the industry itself, learning and being challenged. I have a little wait to hear about my application, but as with all the other publishing roles that I continue to apply for, I will keep trying, my time will come!

And so, I may have had a wobble at the start of the month, but feel I’m now back on track and on my way, with at least some idea of where I’m going! Looking forward to what the future will bring, in whatever shape it may take, just as long as I’m writing!

Rediscovering the love of writing

Determined to stick to my goal of writing each day, it has been interesting to see where it has taken me. Since the start of the year, I’m pleased to say that so far I have stuck to my goal and hope to continue to do so. By giving myself small projects to focus on, such as writing competitions and the Lent challenge, I’m not only writing, but I’ve picked up my novel again, which is very exciting. After the initial spark and hurried scribbling, I felt it had petered off and I had become stuck. So I did what I thought was best and put to one side, instead concentrating on other projects. Along the way I’ve been thinking a lot about my novel and to help me, I’ve decided to go back to basics. First, creating a visual board of notes and pictures and then relooking at what I’d already done- editing parts and making notes along the way. Although I’ve yet to sit down and actually carry on from where I left off, I feel like I’ve come a long way and am amazed at how much it’s evolved from my original idea. I have a lot to work on and look forward to. So it just goes to show that by sticking to my small goal of a little each day, I’ve rediscovered my love of writing and my novel and I can’t wait to get going each day!

February 2016

A good writing start to the month, carrying on from where I left off. I seem to have got into a regular routine now of writing each lunch time and two nights a week, and am certainly feeling much better for it! Of course there are still days where I struggle and the mojo seems to be lacking, and although I want to write, I find I can’t do as much as I would like. But pushing through and trying to keep busy on those days, and thankfully at the moment, they are in the minority. I looked at my final published blog post and it had the largest number of views since I started doing it. This does make me feel that maybe it is still worth doing, given other comments received too. But from when I feel ready again, I will type up in word and then copy across, just to be on the safe side!

I’ve entered four free competitions within the last couple of months and am quite proud of myself! It’s been good to have other smaller projects besides the main one (novel) and has actually helped me refocus on that since submitting all my entries. Sat down and went through all my notebooks too, to see what was finished and what wasn’t, may be some future entries there, who knows? It will be interesting to see what happens with them as and when I pick them up again.  And so, to wait and see now with the ones that I have submitted. I mentioned last month that I found out I’d been shortlisted for the CSMA competition and although I’ve since been informed that I didn’t win, all the shortlisted entries have now been published so still amazing coverage for me as a writer and just the opportunity of having been shortlisted in the first place. It’s certainly boosted my confidence in my writing. Still waiting to hear from the Writers Group one, but should know by the middle of March, and this also goes for the Writers and Artists Yearbook. The Mogford prize doesn’t close until the start of March, so just keeping my fingers crossed! For that entry, I ended up writing more than the word count, so a good exercise in editing and getting it right (as with all my submissions) before sending it in. Something else I also had a go at was the #SouthBankStory Twitter competition- where you only had the 140 characters in a tweet to create a story about the area. Although I didn’t win from any of the ten that I submitted, I had great fun with them and has been even more exciting to finally have visited and seen places for myself, but more on that later!

Writer’s group meetings have been positive as always. The first of the month I chose to read two poems. Having not written much poetry for a while, these weren’t new, but I also hadn’t read them before at a meeting. Constructive and positive feedback for both, so things I can work on in the future.  Finally, I am getting what I need from the group so I just hope this continues. Think it’s important that I don’t forget where I started with my writing and continue to write poems as the mood suits. As with my unfinished short stories, I also went through my poems and there is plenty of both to fall back on and complete. It was a good exercise too, interesting to see how many I’ve started and forgotten about! Love the scribbling of ideas too, that they really can come at any time and from the most random of things. I must start being more aware of what’s around me, not just the physical, but the snippets of conversation too. (Something else to work on!) Our second meeting of the month was a workshop on self-publishing using Lulu. It was very informative and not something that I know a great deal about, so it is certainly something to consider for whenever I get there!

But the biggest thing for this month has to be preparing for Discovery Day. Having put my novel aside for quite a while, picking it back up again has certainly been an interesting experience. Obviously I’d already started again on this last month, but things have been continuing. Although most of the advice that I’ve heard cites that you should finish a first draft before looking at editing, I’ve found that by going back over what I’d already done and marking up what could be changed has been really beneficial in moving forward with it. I’m continually amazed at all the new ideas and directions that I’ve come up with so far, and how much of the story has changed and evolved since I started it. I’m excited to see what happens next! So far a majority of the characters names have changed, and whereas originally I set the story in real locations, these have now been given fictional names which will allow me more artistic license when creating various settings.  And I’ve been working on a prologue, the first page of chapter 1 and notes for my pitch etc. wanting to make sure I got everything right, so it’s been a busy time!

As for the day itself, it was amazing and inspiring. Started the day in Southbank, walking along the river and taking in the atmosphere. Having never been there and written tweets for the competition, it was lovely to see it all properly, and I will definitely go back! Enjoyed a coffee and something to eat at the BFI after perusing the book market- got an uncollected poems by John Betjeman for a bargain price, and they are not easy to come by! A quick look in Foyle’s there, and some writing and more poetry books! Then it was off to the main Foyle’s shop for the big event. We were, of course, a little early, so wandered round looking at things and bought a couple more books (well it would be rude not too!) and then we joined the queue to see an agent.  The lady I saw, Sheila, was lovely and said I had a fluid voice and to keep writing. She liked the intrigue in my first pages and the fact that she didn’t yet know how the two characters were linked. She told me to go away and finish it, polish it and then send in to either her or another agent, Rebecca- amazing!!! The next part of the day involved a ‘surgery session’ where we had the opportunity to ask another agent questions about getting published, the industry etc. The last part was a panel session with Emma Healey (author) and her agent and publisher. Such an interesting day, and lots to take away and think about now. Just need to get on with writing now! I just can’t stress how much the whole day meant, and I finally felt like I belonged.

                                    

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my novel and why I’m writing it. The basics of it is that I wanted to write the type of book that I like to read, and am inspired by. But I also feel that I need to read more. Not necessarily to write in a different genre but to open my mind and to help improve my writing- looking at how and why these books work, it’s all part of learning the craft. With that in mind I have joined a book club online- ‘Poppy Loves Book Club. I’ve already taken part in my first meeting, discussing ‘A Year of Marvellous Ways. I wanted to read this book for research anyway (set in Cornwall), but I really enjoyed the experience- sharing thoughts and ideas and putting forward questions for the author, one of mine even got answered! I’m already looking forward to future meetings and the chance to read a variety of books, outside my comfort zone.

Lent started this month and instead of giving something up, me and Emma decided to take something up instead, and that was our ‘QuickFic Challenge.’ Using prompts from past competitions as well as other pictures we’ve found online, we give each other a prompt each day and then we have to write at least 250 words. It’s been really beneficial and I love the regular writing, then helping to get into the right frame of mind to work on other things. It will be interesting at the end to look over how we’ve interpreted each picture and who knows, maybe some new projects to work and expand on?!

So a busy and very positive month, looking forward to seeing what the future will bring!