July 2018- Feeling Stuck...

The first day in a while that I found the time and space to write and I was scared. It was exactly as I’d hoped it wouldn’t be, a struggle. Trying to carry on from where I left off, and sitting in the sunshine , all good apart from except the inability to put anything apart from a few sentences to paper. Have I left it too long? Will my story come back to me? I really hope so. And despite writing more than I expected that day, that feeling that it’s rubbish doesn’t leave, making it all feel like a waste of time. I’m sure its not and I will feel differently when I’m in a better frame of mind and re-read it. The frustrations of writing! I wonder if they ever leave you, probably not. I know what I need to be working on but I’ve been struggling a bit to write, my head is too jumbled and full, and I’m hoping that a holiday will give e the chance I need to revitalise both my writing and refocus at work, but we shall see. ( As I write this, I’m a few days late and already back from hols, but will save an update until the end of August…)

Although it feels like I’ve been writing this story for a long time, it’s only now that I’m starting to feel it all weaving together and be the story that I want to tell. Okay, so it’s changed a lot since I began those few years ago, but its only now that’s it’s starting to make sense, to fit, and I’m excited to bring it all together. I can’t pinpoint when it shifted as such, but maybe the ever so slightly small step back recently was a good thing. We shall see!

Looking back on my log, its comforting to see that, as always, I’ve actually achieved more than I think, and it does make the darker days a little easier to bear, as long as I keep reminding myself of the fact. And actually I’ve managed to scribble quite a reasonable amount, building my characters stories and learning more about them as I put pen to paper. And I’ve managed some typing too, so each time things are moving forwards. Thinking time counts too, the chance to really immerse yourself in your characters, setting and the stories that surround them. I don’t know what the holiday will bring, maybe the odd scribble. But I’m not expecting much, I’m going on holiday at the end of the day. But it will be an opportunity to relax and think, read and then see what happens. 

And there have been other bits of writing done too. Scribbles for other story ideas. My mind becomes a jumble of ideas, inspired by the people around me as I try to write. It’s certainly interesting when these ideas and thoughts pop up just from people you look at or something you hear. And who knows where those thoughts will take me, I look forward to finding out at some point! And columns still need to be written, so other ideas need to be explored, and submitted. That’s the thing. I may get annoyed and frustrated when my work in progress isn’t going the way I want it to or at all in some cases. But all writing is good and useful, whatever it may be.

‘Writing is about claiming ownership of yourself in order to become the person you know you can be...A novel is making your mark on the world’

June 2018- Ups and Downs

Why? That’s the question I ask myself each month when I sit down to write this blog. Why I feel the need to jot things down and share them with anyone who wants read it. I still can’t really answer that question. I suppose I just find it a place to see and think, to record my rambling thoughts, documenting my journey. It’s important to me, if no one else, even if I sometimes have to push myself to do it. And anyway, why does anyone blog for that matter?

So to this month, and as my title suggests, it’s certainly been up and down. As much as I keep telling myself that there’s always tomorrow, I can’t help getting upset and frustrated when nothing comes or what does, I don’t like. It’s so frustrating. I used to think it was worse if I was having a bad day generally, that’s what makes it worse. A glorious day where I can take advantage of the sunshine, work is good that day and yet the empty page stares back at me. Is it better to force it and hate what you’ve done? I don’t know.. I can work well under pressure at work, why can’t I do the same be said for my writing? Am I set to fail even before I’ve begun? I sincerely hope not. Work has been very busy these last few weeks and I have missed some writing opportunities because of this. But it’s what pays the bills and I have still been trying to write just a few scribbles each day. The hardest part can be getting my head in the zone, and this has been a struggle recently. I just hope that the time away from doing something substantial isn’t a bad thing, and I can find that motivation I so need once again, but time will tell.

And just the smallest thing can pick you up. Sunshine in a café and a good chunk of new writing done, or an hour of typing. It makes me feel happier. Like I said work is busy, which I’m not complaining about as I like it that way, but headspace can sometimes be a little small or stretched. So its good to defy that, even just a little and for the odd day. And actually, looking back at my log I’ve done more than I thought. It’s so easy to forget. Lots of scribbles have been recorded for my novel, a column idea noted down, as well s some new story ideas that I can come back to when the time is right. And research too, with notes made, mostly before bed, but when is a good time?? Over  3600 words have been typed, and whilst that may not be as much as I have achieved in previous months, it has meant that I’m now on the last (but one) notebook, and I’ve only just started the new one, so getting there! Plus thinking time can be extremely valuable, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. So all in all, not to be sniffed at. Deeds not Words. Strong and inspiring words from inspiring women and for an important cause. But it can be put into practice for whatever you believe or stand for. Only you have the power to change what you want, by doing. And so that’s what I will continue to do.

A thought occurred to me the other day, and I feel the need to share it. I write, simply, about love. Finding love. I think it’s a theme running through all my story ideas, when you get down to the bones. And yet I haven’t  experienced it for myself, not really. And so can you write with the depth that a story needs if you don’t know? Despite what you may think, I believe that we all put a bit of ourselves into our words and how can we not? Our hopes and dreams, how we would like our lives to be. That’s what research is for isn’t it? We can’t possibly have experienced everything we put to paper. Don’t we all hope that our dreams will come true one day?  With that in mind, I will pick up my notebook as and when I am able, and see what happens. I have new books that I’m reading, and being set in Cornwall, can only help put me back to where I need to be, so thank you Miranda Dickinson and Ali McNamara, for all the inspiration!

‘Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.’ George Bernard Shaw

                                              

                                                                 'Inspiring me on....

May 2018- Building Blocks

A different kind of month than the last as most of it has been spent coming back to the task of actual writing. I’m finally nearly up to date on my typing, now on my current notebook in terms of where I’ve got to. But then the weather has been mostly beautiful, and not wanting to waste the sunshine, I have instead spent the time sitting outside, or as close to it as I can get and gone back to the pencil. Although I already had notes for parts I wanted to work on as well as some started scribbles, at first it was not as easy as I would have hoped or expected.  It’s been a little while since I really wrote anything new, a chunk of writing at least. So I suppose it wasn’t going to be like I’d just stopped and carried on again. These things come when you’re not planning them to, it just makes the set aside time that I make for writing more pressured. And at the start of the month, I was hopeful that it was just a little hump to get over before I’d be back in full swing.

And I was right! Nice to be able to say that just a couple of weeks later. There really is nothing better than putting pen (or pencil) to paper and just watching it flow, and that it has.  I’m enjoying writing again and beginning to feel the gaps. So I’m sure the end is nearer than I think but I will only really know that when the jumble is laid out before and I begin to sort through. I keep telling myself there is always tomorrow, I have no deadline, only the one I’ve set myself. Write off today and start again tomorrow. I try to keep telling myself that too, particularly on the bad days, and not just with writing, but work too. I often feel stuck with writing or more distracted if I’m having an off day, it’s all relative.

But I’m happy to say that thankfully those days haven’t been many. I’ve managed to type up another 5301 words and whilst that seems very little in comparison to what I have been doing recently, I’ve achieved a decent amount of actual writing this month instead as I build my story more. And it’s been lovely putting pen to paper once again. And its not just been my novel, as new ideas have been forming and scribbled down for working on in the future. It’s certainly been interesting as I never quite know where the inspiration will come from, and sometimes it can be the most unlikely things, and not when I expect it.  But whilst I’m careful not to get too carried away and lose sight of the WIP, I feel its good to have new ideas and projects in the back of my mind, scribbled in a notebook. It keeps my mind somehow fresher. I look forward to exploring them and delving deeper when I can. And there are always columns to write too, so I can’t say I’m not occupied!

And just a thought or two to end on. The lost art of writing by hand. It’s how I work and I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I sometimes feel like I’m a bit old fashioned in my methods- writing longhand and then typing. Some would say I’m wasting my time probably. But I like the feeling of a pencil in my hand. I have a purpose. And each writer is different, all with the same end goal, to tell their story. Does it really matter how they get there, or how long it takes? I don’t think so. And anyway, I like the smell of a new notebook, its much like that of a brand new book, a scent that I never tire of! And so back to it, to carry on building….

April 2018- Finding the love again…

I can’t believe where this year is going, and yet another positive month to add to it! It’s such a good feeling to be able to say that once more.

It has been a month of more typing, and I’m nearing the end of notebook eight, with only the current one left to work on. And it continues to be a learning curve for me as I write up the parts I’d already forgotten about and see where the gaps are. And the most positive part for me is that I’m falling back in love with my story again, losing myself in my own hand written words each time I type them up or scribble some new thoughts, or even type some new parts within the old. And that’s such a great feeling, I can’t tell you how much it means to me, after all the moments of doubt. I can see where work needs to be done and I can’t wait to get started on it. I have this novel in me and I will finish it!! Wow, feels amazing to say that!!

I’m finding that I write better when I give myself a limited time each day, there are much less distractions. Although I say I would love to write full time and one day that might ring true, I have found a way now that currently works for me. Okay so it may feel easier at the moment as I’m typing, the minute I sit down I can carry on from where I left off, but my mind is still working, thinking, planning. And so I hope this continues when I’m ready to move to the next stage, and it won’t be much longer now.  But by giving myself that time, and only that time most days, I feel that I am at least achieving something amidst the jumble of everything else. And so I’m making the most of my writing time, protecting it. That hour a day is much more focused as I limit myself to that time to write, I achieve so much more!

‘Until you put words on the page a novel is a marvellous thing that moves with your thoughts & becomes great. Then you begin to write & words don’t capture the brilliance you imagined but you struggle on hoping it will at least be decent’ Liz Fenwick

‘A crappy first draft is worth more than a non-existent one’

Quotes from twitter that have really struck a chord with me, inspired me. It’s so important to take inspiration from others, and use it to help my own journey. Despite my positive comments, I have still had the odd moment over the last few weeks of self-doubt and its other’s words that can have that uplifting feeling that is so much needed. And after a week off whilst I was on holiday, it was so good to be back to writing again, like finding an old friend, another lovely feeling. And despite that week off, I’m happy to say that another 14,893 words have been typed up this month, and I’m over the 120,000 mark overall, so another milestone. I know once it is all typed up I will have too many words, but that’s the whole point of editing right? And I can honestly say now that I’m looking forward to that next stage, to finally put my story together. I’m finally moving forwards. (Oh and by the way, that word count doesn’t include the extra scribbles that I’ve been doing, so even bigger yay!)

Whilst the support from tweets, articles, posts online have been important, I still feel the need to try and find another writing group. Not necessarily something I physically go to, but hopefully something online, that will have a wider reach and find others at a similar point to me in their writing journey, wanting the same from the group. I have found that I’m writing better, maybe more now that I’m not going to my local group, and it was good to begin with, don’t get me wrong, but I just wasn’t getting what I needed anymore. And I know I have some good support in my friends, I do miss the advice, sharing of thoughts, the like-minded people.  I hope I find the right type of support for me. ‘Writing is a lonely business  and we all need a little help.’

‘Don’t wait until you’ve reached your goal to be proud of yourself . Be proud of every step you take toward reaching that goal.’

The Power of Books and Words

Never underestimate the power that words can have over someone. Something so relatively simple but that can have a very big effect. Whether it be a book- fiction or non-fiction, or an article, blog post or just a simple tweet. Other people’s words can speak to us in a way that we never expected.  I feel lucky in that I learnt to read at a young age. I have been able to devour books of many authors, discovering new worlds and losing myself in the places created in those words written by talented others. Now I know that the same cannot be said for everyone. There are people who cannot read for whatever reason, or those who just don’t like to. But even the few words they see around them can have an impact, if you read or not.

And I continue to be inspired by others words, whether they be real life stories or fictional ones, they can all be just as powerful. And they make me determined to do more, both in my life and my own writing and reading. Let me tell you about just a few books and writers who have inspired me.

Rowan Coleman and Julie Cohen- Both brilliant fiction writers whose books I have had the privilege to enjoy but for also helping me on my own writing journey, with their advice and workshops that I attended. Their writing retreat last year was the best thing I could have done for my writing, even if I couldn’t see it straight away.

Miranda Dickinson- For just being herself! I was lucky enough to meet her as well as read her wonderful books, but just the daily motivation she gives herself and lends to others continues to push me onwards with my own writing.

Jane Austen- She was a powerful writer long before her time and how her books are still testament to that even now.

Liz Fenwick- For bringing Cornwall to life and inspiring me in my own story setting.

Henry Fraser/ Matt Haig/ Bryony Gordon- I feel I should be discussing these separately as they are all amazing people in my eyes, for sharing their difficult and personal stories with the world and helping me and others to see things differently and to overcome our fears, whatever they may be.

Eva Woods- ‘How to be happy’ A fictional story that I have just finished reading that spoke volumes to me and got me to write this post. I strongly recommend the book, and maybe you too will see how the power of someone elses words can inspire you.

I could go on with other writers- J K Rowling, Jojo Moyes, but I just wanted to get down my thoughts and share what others words had done for me. I hope that reading can do the same for you too.

March 2018- I Believe in Unicorns…

‘Believe in your story absolutely as you tell it’ Michael Morpurgo (I Believe in Unicorns)

Well, what another positive month and I feel so happy to be saying that. As before, I have spent the month continuing to type up from my notebooks and learning as I go along. The month started well with a snow day allowing me to find extra time to write as well as working on research notes and using inspiration from my holiday pictures. And very much as the above quote states from the master storyteller himself, I feel that I really believe in the story that I’m trying to tell, and becoming lost within the world that I am creating. And there have been moments of new writing too, as I either scribble or type new parts around those I’ve already written. It’s just so exciting  to see my story coming to life and just how I want it to be told. As always I am inspired by others, but putting the words in my own way, telling my story and really feeling it all come together.

The biggest achievement this month, and quite a milestone to mark is reaching the 100,000 word mark!!! It’s something I wasn’t sure I would be able to say, but am extremely proud to have reached such a significant point in my writing journey. And yet there is still more to do. Out of the nine notebooks that I have currently scribbled in, I’m now typing from number 8 and so the point is getting nearer when I can see just how much I already have. Only then will I be able to work out how much more is needed, and I’m hopeful that I have more than I actually think and the elusive first draft will be closer to completion. And I’m excited to read it all, to see all my threads finally come together.

Back to some of the new scribbles that have arisen whilst I’ve been typing, it has certainly been a good curve ball in that I already have thoughts on how to expand what’s already there. Besides that, there was the feeling of doing some actual writing, new words on the page. It has certainly been a little while. But saying that, I know that my typing exercise is very important in moving forwards and knowing where I am, seeing where the story maybe no longer works in places or fits in the overall plot, and adapting things as I go. And so my time has certainly not been wasted. It has been extremely valuable , to take a step back and think, as see already where there are still things to work on. But as the month ends and another is on the horizon, I can report that another 18,940 words have been typed this month, as well as more scribbled, so I’m taking that as another achievement to add to the list, as well as building on what I managed last month.

Talking of having targets to work towards, it’s been something very much on my mind. There have been a few days where I don’t feel that I’ve done as much as I could have done, and momentarily that has frustrated me. But then I got to thinking. What about giving myself a small daily target?  500 words maybe, something to work towards whether typing or writing. Okay so 500 may not seem like a lot, but better to start realistically, and then exceed on the good days when I can. I realise I’m a bit late to the game in this sense, but all in my own time, you know me!

But other than writing, I want to share a few other things that have also been on my mind. Firstly, how do you prioritise what to read?? There are just not enough hours in the day! I have a whole list of galleys on my kindle as well as writing books and my psychology magazines to read. They are all important in their own right, and as the quote says’ If you want to be a writer, you must to two things above all others, read a lot and write a lot’ – Stephen King. But just what order do you decide to read things, that’s where my struggle lies.  With both work and writing, I am feeling that there is never the time to catch up without dropping something else. There is so much I want to read and I want to do it all now, but I can’t and therefore it features lower down on the list of priorities, and books or articles are started but not quite finished. Just something else to work on!

A whole weekend at home, quite a rare thing for me I have to say. And yet I loved every minute when I did have one, just a couple of weeks ago. Even the job of cleaning and how it made me feel after I’d finished, that I’d achieved something, however small. The time to indulge in other hobbies too- cross stitch, music, films that inspire, reading and spending time with good friends. Its all so important, to get the balance right. But also managing to fit in some writing. It felt good to have some kind of loose plan and succeeding at ticking a few things off that I’ve been meaning to do for a while. It makes me more determined to enjoy the spare time more often, instead of always trying to fill it. Although this is not a bad thing either, but sometimes it’s good to just stop for a little while and do the little things that can also bring so much pleasure.

And so we’re at the end of another month, and I’m looking forward to what the next may bring. Small steps….

February 2018- Flying….

‘Find something you love doing and just fly with it’

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing and it has been my only constant for the last few weeks. What has kept me going is my writing and I think I would be lost without it now. And besides the obvious, I have been putting the words to good use.

For starters, writing through my emotions  to help understand and work on what’s going on in my head, and maybe using the words in other ways. To be perfectly honest, some days my writing is my only happy place. But I don’t want this entry to be all negative. And so instead I’ve been trying to put my personal frustrations, particularly at work into something more positive, by scribbling a column idea! I was particularly pleased with this as there have been points when I start to think that coming up with fresh ideas for the column begins to feel like a chore rather than something I’m excited about doing, which I was at the start.  But after 3 ½ years of writing 340 interesting words each month, that excitement quickly fades, even seeing it in print each time. But thankfully, just when I was on the verge of giving up on it, there was a small flurry and I have some ideas saved up now, which should last a few more months. I may still stop writing for it at some point, but not just yet. Writing shouldn’t feel like a chore, so once it does, that will be the right time. After all, writing, in whatever form should  be fun and exciting in its own way. So back to where I was, so easy to get carried away! I’m in a funny place right now with work, where it is too quiet. And while some crave that low point to have a chance to draw breath, I’m not one of those people. I like to be busy, challenged. So when I’m not, I struggle to motivate myself to do what little I do have. I’m also nearing the end of my secondment in my current role, and whilst I do have something different to move onto, which I’m looking forward to, it’s that strange time in-between and I would rather be writing! As much as I try not to worry too much, there are certainly days when I struggle to do what I’m paid to do. Thankfully I don’t seem to be having the same slump with my writing and for that I’m grateful. Onwards..

The epilogue is now written!! And I can tell you that it was an amazing feeling to have at least achieved that small goal. It might not seem like much, but it was a milestone for me and I can only hope that it will make the rest of the journey to completing my first draft that little bit easier. I’m already working on ideas that I’d already started but not finished for the earlier parts of the novel, so I’m beginning to fill the gaps and join the dots at least. And I’ve done what I said I would do. For the last few weeks, apart from a few scribbled thoughts, nothing new has been written, and instead I’ve carried on typing up what I already had. And up to today, 15.706 has been covered over the course of the month, with so much more to go. But I think that’s pretty good going! As I type, its bringing fresh ideas and thoughts, especially how I can expand on some areas. It’s really giving me the visualisation of how the novel will flow and feeling it all coming together, as well as using the time to think and build on. It’s certainly becoming an enlightening task as I remember where I was when I first wrote some of the words, and I’ve been using those memories to build in the excitement of those moments, making them feel much more real. I’m getting lost in my story again and that is a fantastic feeling.

‘Embrace the beautiful mess of a first draft- if all the bits are there, you can edit it later’

Sound advice  shared once again by the fantastic Miranda Dickinson.  And I do finally feel okay about it all. As Miranda also says, just reading this and realising I’m okay, has really ‘taken the fear away’ so thank you once again lovely lady, you remain a constant inspiration to me! As I continue to type, building even more of my story, I’m learning so much, especially about my characters and where I want them to go. I suppose in a way, the task of typing is almost like a second draft, as I see what I like and dislike and what can be added in and taken away. It’s a steep but enjoyable learning curve, but I’m getting there slowly!

And in other news… the short story I was working on was finished and submitted before the deadline, so it is just a waiting game now. I don’t have too much confidence in it getting anywhere, you never know, but I’m proud that I completed something by a specific, unmoveable deadline, so proof to myself at least! And it was good, just for a short while to work on something a bit different.  And on that note, I’ve recently had some thoughts and sparks of ideas for other short stories, maybe another novel, who knows? But whilst I’m excited, I’m also a little worried. Its ages since a new idea really grabbed me and began to form itself in my head, but I also don’t want to detract from my WIP. Can you have two big ideas at the same time?? I’m not sure. And so, whilst the new ideas continue to jump out, I duly write them down, but nothing more. I think I know that I have to finish number one first, to give it all that it deserves. After all, I don’t want to just give up on years of hard work and perseverance  when I feel I’m so close. So only when that is done, and I don’t feel I can do anymore, will I look at my other ideas and give them the time and head space that they need, and just hope the initial magic is still there.

So if you’ll excuse me, I have work to be getting on with…. J