May 2019- Signing off....

So initially the holiday did exactly what I wanted, and got me writing in some way. It was a new story idea, set in the Lakes, where I just happened to be, so hardly surprising! But I managed to scribble whilst on a walk as well as in the evenings and in the car on the way home. I even bought a book for research purposes, becoming more invested in the idea. It was just so nice to feel inspired, which is just as I had hoped I would be. It may not yet be for a novel, but it’s a start. But then I came home, and as I was pulled back into the humdrum of work and normal life again, so my spark diminished. And that’s just what’s happened with all my story ideas recently.

There are moments when I just think about giving it all up, this writing malarkey. Go back to just enjoying reading for the sake of reading. I’m sure I could too, I managed before when I hadn’t really discovered writing, well properly anyway. And then I think of all that I’ve done and learnt over the last few years since I put pen to paper and think that maybe, just maybe, it would leave such a hole that I wouldn’t be able to fill. That however pressurised I find it, and that’s often my own doing, it really was the thing that was missing in my life. It’s a hard one and I don’t think there is a simple answer. Maybe I need to go back, to where I started, with poetry and short stories, and try and build my confidence back up that way. Maybe its just not meant to be and I just have to accept that.

I need to be so much kinder to myself. I had a message from an author friend when she asked how I was getting on and it really made me think, and know that I’m not alone, and I just need to share what she told me- that most writers probably struggle with confidence, but to enjoy what I’m writing and take pleasure in that as an end itself, that anything else is a bonus. And she’s right, and I’d lost that pleasure. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about myself and how I feel- about work, my writing, my worth. It sounds deep I know, but I felt it needed to happen. I feel so lost, with no sense of direction in anything and I really feel that its affected my state overall. I need space, to work out where I’m going next, in different aspects and so I’ve made a decision. I’m going to stop writing this blog. Maybe not forever, but certainly for a while. I want to completely take the pressure off, rediscover my love for the things I do. And unfortunately this outlet has become a sea of negativity for me more recently and its not helping. I’m not yet saying my journey as a writer is ending before its really even begun, but more that I don’t know where I am and I need to find that out. And that means stopping my log too, which is only fuelling my guilt at not writing enough at the moment. They have both had their positives and their place, and may well work for me again in the future, but I have to get there first. I want to continue and build on the idea of journaling, I still need to get into the habit of doing it but I think it will help to sort through my muddled head.

Am I still passionate about my story? Once yes, as with most of my ideas, but not at the moment and that’s where the problem lies. The fear and self-doubt as well as the daily grind of life has taken over and I feel like a light has gone out of me. I know I’m not quite ready to give up on it, but I need the space, the lack of pressure, to try and find again what excited me in the first place. And it will come, just not when I’m expecting it.

Believe in the stories you want to tell and don’t give up hope. Miranda Dickinson, you’ve done it again, thank you! I won’t give up hope, just keep looking for it. And since I’ve taken just a little pressure off, made my decision, there are little sparks creeping back in. The random ideas for stories, one line here, a short paragraph there as well as notes for a couple of works in progress (including my novel), so it was definitely the best thing for me to do now, and I will continue to hope, and see what happens. I still have my columns to write, and two or three new ideas playing around in my head, so I’m not giving up yet. Hopefully I’ll see you on the other side.

April 2019- Trying to see the wood for the trees…. and failing

It’s very much an unpredictable time at the moment with work and its almost certainly having an impact on other things too, especially my confidence in my abilities meaning I’m struggling to move forwards and holding back on my novel, in getting it sorted as the fear takes hold and won’t let go. I’ve bought some books on structuring in the hope they might help me but I’m still putting off the inevitable. There have been moments where ideas have been sparked and duly noted down, but I still need to take that leap and it feels so long since I’ve written anything substantial.

I just have this feeling of being stuck right now, both in my work and writing. Like I said, there have been a few tiny sparks, but not enough to produce very much. Its days like these (and today has been one of those) when I’m completely at a loss with what to do. The emotion builds along with the frustration, and with it, the threat of tears, at the boredom of work and the haunting empty page to match my empty imagination. The whole month has been pretty much like this, it’s like the passion has gone, been snuffed out. I can’t remember the last time I wrote any of my novel and I’m struggling too with my other ideas. Don’t they say that if you’re not excited by your idea then the best thing to do would be to leave it, that the reader won’t like the story if you don’t. I can’t seem to get over this all-consuming fear- that I can’t finish my novel, that nothing I do will be good enough.  I listen to other authors as they tell their stories, share advice and for a few moments, I feel better, that I can do it. But then it all comes flooding back, that fear. I can’t even find the motivation at the moment to read those books I mentioned, the fear is crippling me more as I realise just what a daunting task I’ve set myself. And I know I’m not even saying anything new, just repeating myself time and time again, in the hope that things will change, and yet I still can’t seem to shake this awful feeling of dread. Is it a sign that it’s just not meant to be? I hope not as that just upsets me more, so that must mean something right??

Walking has been great for my general wellbeing, but not so much for my allocated writing time, cutting it in half most days and not inspiring anything as I make my way around the route as I had hoped it would. So maybe I need to adjust my routine a little, stop making excuses. I’ve also just had four days break from work and some stunning weather, as well as a little time to write and yet only a few scribbles made it to the page and they were column ideas rather than anything else. There has been a little writing and research over the course of the month and I’m not belittling it in any way, but I still don’t seem to be any further forward, in anything and my goal just seems unreachable. I just feel everything is squashed to a point that nothing comes out and that goes for my creativity as well as my skills, I’ve lost faith in myself.

I’ve got out of the habit somewhat and I really need to find my writing purpose again, my passion. The fear has taken a strong hold and threatens to overwhelm me. So for now, the novel is put to one side as I work on finding my purpose again. I’m not giving up though, just taking small steps to build my confidence back up and exploring other ideas, creating plans and giving myself space to play around with short stories, columns, to get that habit back. I need to stop reading and just write, anything, go back to basics. I’m not encouraging creativity if I’m squashing it by pressuring myself or beating myself up. (thanks Emma!)

So I’ve started journaling and I have to say I feel already only after a few days that its helping a little. It gives me that chance to vocalise my thoughts, both good and bad, and about anything. Much like this blog for all writing related woes (and celebrations, sometimes). And it’s a form of writing too, if you like, clearing my head of all the muddle.

When I sit down to write, I want it to feel like I’m coming home. It does sometimes, but not all the time. If I’m forcing things, writing does not deliver. I need to find a way to hear myself, let my emotions out. I need to get out of the way of the words and let them come. Listen and do not interrupt, and whatever is in my head will transfer to the page and I will once more find my voice.

I’m writing this month’s entry a little early as I’m off on holiday at the weekend and I’m looking forward to the break, a proper break. Who knows what inspiration it may bring? I’m not expecting much given my current state of mind, but if I continue with the journaling and in an attempt to find just a small positive in what looks like a sea of negativity, you never know, and I have to hold onto that.

'Even if some days you have to dig a little deeper, we all have the strength, courage and bravery within us.' The Lion King

March 2019- No more excuses

Reading, crafting, walking, singing. These are all the things that I’ve been doing instead of writing. Are they worthwhile or just another way of avoiding the issue? I would argue that they are important, to me. To my wellbeing and state of mind overall. I just need to include writing in that mix too, and learn to use my time to fit in all that I want to do, and not feel guilty.

Towards the start of the month and probably up until at least halfway through, I could count on one hand the number of occasions that I’d written anything. So why am I even documenting this? Because its all a part of the process. Okay so I may not have done what I thought I would have done by now, but the important thing is that I will. I haven’t given up. I still have a story to tell. I just need to get it completely clear in my head what that is, and I know I may have got a little lost along the way, but I’m determined to get there. Has the break done me any good? I suppose only time will tell. Currently the fear is resurfacing at what to do next, where I even begin. Small steps. I know one thing at least, from the books that I’ve been reading for this literary prize long list, that I know I still want to write my story. And I’m much more critical as reader, because I write. Its not about being better, I’m not that conceited, but more about writing the book I want to read, and having the belief in myself to do that. So you could say that I was still inspired, just in a different, unexpected way.

And so, once all the books had been read and reviews submitted, I could no longer use them as an excuse. For the first time in weeks, I picked up my pencil and opened my notebook for my novel. Beginning by writing up some notes I’d previously made on my phone, but it got me back into thinking about my story and building on those scribbled ideas. It was a nice feeling. And as the month draws to a close, that has continued, both from research notes and sections inspired by a variety of things, something in front of me, or an overheard sentence. It just feels good to finally be working on it again. I’m still not 100% sure where I’m going and I have the task of getting down to the nitty gritty, but it’s a start, a small step in the right direction at least. And I’m not putting the inevitable off either, but asking for help in order to get me to where I need to be, from those that have already been there. And this has been invaluable, a book recommendation and a few pointers might not seem like a lot, but for me, they will be the difference in getting this book written, and I’m finally excited to get things sorted. And from this, I know, moving forwards, not what to do with all the other ideas I have, just waiting in the wings. I’m not ready to give up yet.

It’s a mind-set. I’m the same at work. I get stuck, fed up and then negative, unmotivated and distracted. Then I achieve nothing. I need to work on, and am beginning to, shifting my mind-set, starting the day in a better way, in a more positive frame in order to assess where I am and what I need to do, or be doing. Breaking down the goals to more manageable steps that then feel more achievable. I need to do the same in my writing. Instead of looking at it as a big mess that I can’t wade through, break it down into smaller chunks, thinking about it all first, getting down the bare bones without even looking at the larger document. Only then will I be able to look at it again and see where it fits. And I’m trying to do this now, getting into a writers mind-set. I’ve been scribbling other ideas down, and whilst they may  not come to anything, or even be my writing style, there is sometimes a need to just get the words out, whatever they may be. Even if you never look at what you’ve written again, its all part of the process, of ordering the mind. And with these scribbles, another column done and work on-going  with my novel, the last two weeks have turned out much better than I had expected. I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next.

So, no more excuses….

‘Your words have worth and your ideas matter. Be kind to yourself and believe in the stories you’re telling’ Miranda Dickinson

February 2019- Fighting through the fog

‘The hard part about writing a novel is finishing it’ Hemingway

So true! When I look back on my many notebooks from the last 4 years , at least that’s how long I think it’s been, and my scribbled thoughts, the way ahead is murky and confusing. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just done. Keep creating, keep learning, keep gaining  confidence. Don’t sabotage the creativity. Thank you Helen Redfern (@bookishbaker). Fighting through the writing lulls, sometimes winning, sometimes losing, but still keep fighting anyway. When having a bad day, its too easy to focus on the negatives and question of you’re doing the right thing, if you’re good enough.  Its all too easy to keep forgetting all the good stuff that’s gone before. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And also of the importance of having the time and space to see and think, to work things out in my somewhat fuddled head.

I’ve been feeling disillusioned with it all… with work and writing. I’ve barely done anything on my novel recently, is that it, gone and to never be finished? That’s certainly how  it feels and I don’t know how to get myself out of these place. Work is the same, is it time for a change, a re-energisation? I’m stuck in a vicious circle and fed up of feeling like this. I think too much, I know I need to stop procrastinating, or I will never get myself out of this black hole I’ve put myself in.  I have a plan of sorts to help me, but I now need to pull myself up and start attempting to put it into action. I need to find and chase my dreams, no-one else can do it for me. In terms of work, of course I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given, but I need to find what is right for me, what will make me happier in the long run, and then maybe the feeling will reach other areas of my life, and I’ll find the motivation and belief in myself that I need, instead of the feeling of being underwhelmed that currently plagues me. I just need the right frame of mind.

‘Just keep swimming….’

A turn of thoughts…. as I’m not writing, but not beating myself up over it, or at least trying not to. I will finish my novel, I have t keep believing that, but I know I will just mess it up if I force things. And so I made the decision to take a short break and undertaking some reading for a literary prize, which the university are working with. It’s a learning curve in my reading repertoire, and also in types of writing. And maybe this is what I need right now. And that it’s okay, because I will write again.

Have belief in your right to be a writer and be read, that is paramount.

And then it happens, when you’re not expecting it. A new idea comes and with it, inspiration. This is followed by notes and research, forming something. It’s the first time in a while when I have felt excited about writing, and that includes the short story that I finished and submitted for the Writers and Artists Yearbook competition. I know now that I shouldn’t have probably even sent it, seemed little point when I don’t have the faith in what I’m putting to paper. But it was still good to give myself the job of writing something and finishing it, as well the process of just writing what came to me, once my notes had run out, something I could do with doing more often, instead of thinking too much. But I’ve learnt too that I have to both believe in what I’m writing as well as myself as a writer, or there is little point, the reader will see through the words straight away. In terms of the new story idea, I will keep open minded, but need to be careful that it doesn't make me lose sight of my novel. It may just be the blessing in disguise that I need to get back into writing properly again.

Three years ago today I was lucky enough to attend ‘Discovery Day’ at Foyle’s in London. It was an amazing day, lots to take in and learn, as well as making the most of a day in town, absorbing sights and culture. But one of the biggest things was the opportunity to pitch my novel to an agent. And its just got me thinking and inspired to get writing, to finally get my novel finished and submitted. Like I said, its been a while since I felt like this, a small spark of something, which is much needed and I intend to hold onto it. It’s also made me realise just how long and how much I have invested in this story, too much to give up now, however hard the task may feel. I just need that different mind-set…

January 2019- Facing the Fear

January has been a hard month, in a number of ways. Feel like I’m facing the fears in more way than one. Fear that I’m not good enough, that I can’t do this anymore. But then a small moment of magic comes and puts the bad stuff into a corner. I had a light bulb moment  whilst reading a book, a good book but not one I was reading to help me. It just shows that inspiration really can come from anywhere, when you least expect it, even when you’re not thinking about your story. And so followed a whole load of notes and thoughts as I could see, finally, just how my story should be, how it should be told. And this was right at the start of the month. A break can be a good thing, but also a struggle. I’ve spent some time working on some short story ideas which has been good and at least I’m writing something. But I’m scared that if I get too distracted, I won’t be able to pick up my novel again, that the story will somehow stall too much for me to carry on, to do what I need to do. And that really worries me. Maybe it’s not about writing something new, more that I need to begin looking at my novel again, against my rough outline, seeing where things go and what I already have.. But finding the time and motivation, to look at it, when I’ve been staring at a screen all day at work is a struggle. I need to find a different routine to adopt, one that works best for me and then sticking to it. It’s all there, waiting, I just need to let myself in. I need to get over the fear and start to believe in myself and my story, otherwise no one else will. And sticking to my plan too, instead of keep changing things too much. Reading other stories has been good but there is a danger  that others ideas will influence too much on what I’ve already done to the point that I’m feel like I’m starting all over again and all my work up till now will have been wasted. STOP and THINK. But not too much. Thinking is why I feel I’m no further forward and this elusive draft feels like it will never be finished. It’s about getting the balance right. And slow progress is better than no progress.

‘The key to writing is to write, not to think.’ Finding Forrester.

Working on my short story ideas for the competition has been beneficial, the feeling of just getting the words on the page and sparking the love of writing again, the excitement of a new story. It can only be a good thing and help with my novel in the long run. And I’m not saying that my novel doesn’t excite me, that I no longer like the story I’m telling, because I do, I just need to rediscover that feeling. I keep coming up with different story ideas, inspired by things I’ve seen, how I’m feeling. Only sometimes I end up going in the wrong direction and I have to stop and bring myself back to who I am, the kind of writer I want to be. Hiding that piece away in order to be able to focus properly instead of getting distracted. Words are on the page, so that’s a good thing and all my work has not been in vain, so something I’m grateful for, but the words actually written are not me. I have to treat it like an exercise of exploring and sparking new writing but I have to keep bringing me back each time to the place I need to be.

At the start of the year, I said to myself that I hoped that 2019 would be healthier and happier for me. If there was anything to put paid to that, it was promising myself that. It may still be January, but I can honestly say that it hasn’t been the best of months, with one thing after the other making me feel I’m taking a step back each time. I’m still using my lunch breaks to write, but only after having a walk, trying to build a new routine. And then I got the flu. And I’ll honestly say that it’s been a struggle to get back into everything again, the motivation and energy lacking, both physically and mentally. I’ve been trying to write though, even when I’ve not been 100%, in a bid that having something else to concentrate than just the yuck feeling will  help, as well as the need to get back to normal. It’s about knowing my own limits, starting small. I’ve found a new place in the last couple of days at work where I can sit and write, surrounded by books and inspiration, and scribbling story ideas and columns in order to bring me back to where I need to be. Hopefully there will be a little bit of magic waiting for me at the end, it’s the one thing I’m holding onto.

December 2018- Not Giving Up

And I’m not giving up, despite my last woeful post. I’m just trying to gain some perspective. Taking time out to refocus on the task ahead of me and how best to tackle it. And to help me do that, I’ve been reading some writing books and other novels to gain insight and spark that love for my story again. There was a need for a different type of motivation to help me get to where I need to be and overcome my fear. I can’t and I won’t give up, I’ve worked too long on this and invested so much and the the most important point of all, I still want to tell this story. And so the last few weeks I’ve given myself the time to think and really see my story, making notes of how I will outline, all without looking at the large saved document that is my WIP, which is just too confusing too look at, the pressure too much. Once I have a completely clear idea in my head and noted down, only then will I look back at my first draft and begin to see what fits and where and what still needs to be done. So I’m taking a small step back until it all becomes clearer to me, it is the only way I can then be able to move forwards again.

I received two writing books for Christmas from my ever thoughtful and understanding sister, she knows me so well, and they are much needed right now as I pick up from where I left off before the festive break and attempt to start the new year as I mean to go on, in a better place. As I read either, fiction or indeed non-fiction, I’m thinking and seeing how I need my writing and story to go, slowly moving forwards and feeling much better about things. Notes and scribbled thoughts as I go, all helping me along the way.  To some, it might seem a convoluted route to the end, but I really feel that it’s lifting me out of the hole that I put myself in, so that can only be a good thing as far as I’m concerned, and we all have our own funny little ways of dealing with situations. I’ve done things all the wrong way round with this novel, but I’ve learnt my lesson, albeit the hard way, but I know now what to do for the next time. And I have so many other ideas just waiting to be explored, that I’m planning on there being a next time, but I have to finish this one first. I’ve looked back on my year and what I’ve achieved and I can’t complain, even if I feel like I’m repeating myself a little, so my main goal for 2018 was to finish my first draft, and I may not have achieved that just yet, but it was a big ask. But I am closer, I know and feel that. I’ve come a long way in some respects, but there is still a way to go and I’m determined to get there.

As I submitted my final column of 2018 (actually being published on 1 Jan 2019, ironically!) I did wonder if the time had come to finish contributing, wondering if I had any more to say after 4 years and around 40 submissions. But then I thought about it more. It  is a way of me having an opinion, of others reading what I have to say. And although it’s unpaid, all writers have to start somewhere. So with that in mind, I’ve decided to try and list 12 different ideas that I could write about and submit as and when it is relevant. Not only would that take the pressure off a little (with only two regular contributors, I submit nearly every month) but I’m hoping it will highlight, mainly to myself, that I do still have something to say. I’m also planning a story story for a competition that closes in February, which not only is a way of exploring other ideas, but I hope will be a way of helping me to bring back my love of writing. Plus this blog too, a good way of ordering my jumbled thoughts and worries. So with all that in mind, I’m making a promise to myself as  I plan to start the new year with fresh eyes and being able to see a way forward with my writing.

November 2018- Drowning

I’m crying as I write this, just feeling so overwhelmed by it all.  It’s not a good place to be and yet I keep ending up here, hating my writing, the world. everything. And once I’m in that mind-set, I find it extremely hard to get out of.  Everything is a negative thought, hard to pinpoint even one small happy thing amongst it all. Today was not a good day, with anything. I got scared and ran away, the fear got too much and I didn’t even want to try .The smallest of things was just too difficult to do, to concentrate on and I gave up. I’m good at doing that. I can’t get my head around something, become impatient when I feel I can’t do it and instead of trying to keep going, I stop and bury my head in the sand. There have been small glimmers this month, but they are forgotten for a moment as I dwell on the place I’m in now. And maybe that’s a good thing in a way? I’m using words to try and explain my emotions, in the hope that it might make me feel better and take me to a happier place. Anything is better than this.

It sounds so over dramatic I know. So what if you can’t do it, just do something else, who cares? You become your own worst enemy. But I do care and that is why I feel like this.  I’ve reached a point recently where I’m beginning to wonder why I’m even trying to write this novel. It’s just too big a challenge, I can’t overcome it and I’m not sure why I even bother. It’s all taking too long and because I didn’t get things right at the start, I’ve only made it worse for myself.

As I started to read through my first and very messy draft, it became glaringly obvious. It was a daunting and mammoth task, of my own doing, and I realised that I had an awful lot of words that won’t become the final story. Was it just a huge waste of time, all that toiling and scribbling? I’m beginning to wonder. It was hard to stomach as I scanned over the first 100 or so pages of type face knowing deep down that most of it won’t be used and wondering where my story really begins. It’s a huge learning curve and I’m firmly stuck at the bottom, not able to get out, drowning in what I thought I wanted to say.

All novels manifest themselves as you work on them, I get that and I can see that’s what’s happened the longer that this story has taken. It’s evolved so much since I began that I don’t recognise some of it. Even as I read over and attempt to jot down events and where I see them now, a good thing, I still doubt myself and that I will ever finish it. But if I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t get so upset. I know what I need to do, it’s finding the courage to do it.  And that’s the part I’m struggling with. I feel I’m not good enough, as I follow my peers and see them doing well, and I’m cheering them on, but also jealous as I feel left behind. It’s one of my worst character traits, my impatience and that of constantly comparing myself to others. It’s a vicious circle that is a constant struggle to try and break out of.

There are small windows where I have a good day, some weeks, months are better than others. For me, this has not been one of my best. Okay so I’ve finally caught up with myself, but it only leaves me with more words to wade through, and a frustration that I haven’t put pen to paper for a while, not really. Does that count as writing? I keep telling myself that it does, that as I type I’m thinking, discovering new words as I build on scenes, ones that maybe I had forgotten about. And it is a good feeling, as the story unfurls at my fingertips, not from the pen, as it’s not a way of writing that I am used to. There have been scribbles, ideas and longer parts too, but then I have realised as I work on a scene that the way it is written doesn’t work for my story, is not my voice. I’m getting carried away with something that is not me, not what I want to write. But at least I have realised that, and am trying to put it right.

I’m constantly inspired by other writers, in different ways. A tweet that has so few characters but yet says so much, or an article that tells me I’m not alone. I just need to keep those moments of clarity from when I read or hear those words and bring them to mind for times such as these. I’ve been lucky enough to attend two literary events in the last couple of weeks, in fact two consecutive days. Both were very different writers, both inspiring me in different ways.  But one thing that stands out from all of the writers that I’ve met, chatted to or just followed online, is that they didn’t give up, even when things were bleak. So I may be in a bad place creatively at the moment, but hopefully if I just keep showing up, I’ll come out the other side. Slow progress is better than no progress after all.

October 2018- Tried and Tested..

First day of the month and I wanted to start as I meant to go on, as I usually do. To be met with… not a lot. At first I got frustrated, stared out of the window, messed about on social media. But that only made me feel worse. So I gave up on what I was trying to do, the part I was attempting to work on and tried something else. And do you know what, it worked. Words appeared on paper and  I was lost in my story for a short while. I proved to myself that even on a bad day, there can be a way to turn it around. I just need to tell my head that. It doesn’t always work, but I sure am grateful when it does.

I’m the boss of my ambition, me. I’m the only one who can change my mind set, get those words on the page. This story won’t get told if I don’t take the opportunity to tell it. Thankfully the rest of the month hasn’t been a repeat of day one. Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve managed to type up another 17,083 words and  am finally catching up with myself as I reach my current notebook. The feeling to have that many words (currently standing at around the 168,000 mark) in one place and know that there are more to come is both immense and scary. When I first started writing this story I hadn’t really considered, not seriously, where it would take me and how much I would learn both about myself and my writing. And although I know it’s going to be a mammoth task, I’m looking forward  to piecing everything together. It’s a job I should have done at the start, a long time ago, but I at least know that for next time! I have the planning notebook ready so I just need the work as it is, a good pen and some post its and I can make a start. There will still be more to do, I know that already, but I need to see it in full before I can do any more, or either I will get lost or this story will never end! So that will definitely be my next job (I know I’ve said it before, but I’m more determined this time). Planning, what needs working on and just how I’m going to sort all my rambled mess into something resembling coherence.

As I said before, my lunch break is my dedicated time to write but more  often than not I’m finding it’s just not long enough. I feel  like I’m just getting started and  then have to stop again, go back to the office when I could happily spend the rest of the afternoon in that spot building my story and adding more words to the page. But as I focus back on work, the rush of inspiration has gone, so by the time I get home, the words are no longer there. It’s not always the case, but most of the time it happens that way. It can be quite frustrating, but I need to accept the time I have and just do the best I can. Life does and will get in the way! I’m escaping into my world as I scribble or type. I am there, at the kitchen table, on the beach, seeing everything and hearing as my characters do. It’s a special feeling when it happens and one I’d very much like to hang on to for as long as I can.

There are always new columns to write and currently I also have a short story that I’m think about for a competition, plus the weekly QuickFic prompts have made a comeback on a Friday which has been fun to take part in. It’s about keeping things fresh and the chance to explore other ideas, which is never a bad thing, just as long as it’s not at the expense of the work in progress and I’m very conscious of that, of not forgetting that it is always there until that elusive ‘first’ draft is done at least.

On a slightly different note, I’m hoping to arrange a writing weekend with some fellow writers from the retreat that I took part in last year (can’t believe it’s been that long already!) It will be an ideal chance to be around like minded people and share ideas and thoughts, as well as having the specific space to actually write when nothing else is distracting me. I have my sister of course, and would be lost without her support, but it’s always nice to carve out a longer chunk of time with others and see things differently, outside of your own little bubble. It will be lovely, so I just hope we can get something in the diary!

And so as the month draws to a close, I’m feeling happy as new words appear on the page.  There hasn’t been much of that recently as the focus has been on catching up, but the few times I have decided to put pen to paper have been fruitful and it feels especially good when it happens outside of my planned time as it did just yesterday. It just goes to show that you have to go with it when you can before your mind explodes with all the thoughts whirring round inside. Not a bad place to be in right now.

September 2018- New Term, new words

Sometimes I wonder if I've run out of things to say here, but as I type I find things come to mind and I always seem to end up with a good amount of words. And I suppose as my journey is still far from over, there will always be something to tell, to share.

And so it is with my writing generally. I started the month as I meant to go on, typing up my novel in an attempt to catch up with myself. And a worthwhile task too in that rereading parts that I’d somehow forgotten about and liking what I’ve done which in itself was a good confidence boost, as well as making sure I didn’t re write parts I’ve already done! Lunch breaks during the week are my allocated time to dedicate to my writing and I stick to this as much as I can. But I’ve also been trying to find time at the weekends too to write, as it often gets left, or at the bottom of a long list of jobs. But I’m trying very hard not to beat myself up when it doesn’t happen, sometimes the time runs away, the other jobs mount up, just life really.

But saying that, it has been a good month overall. I pick up my pencil and continue writing from where I’ve left off, whilst thinking of new ideas, parts to work on as I do so. Another notebook finished and as much as I want to keep scribbling, I know I have to focus on typing for a number of weeks in a bid to see where I am and not get lost in it all. There is a limit to how many notebooks I can carry too on a daily basis, three seems a little excessive! And I’m glad that I kept to my little goal, the notebook is finished and I’ve made a start on the one previous to the one that I’m currently writing in, so it’s still a work in progress!

The latest word count (typed)is 14475 for the month, totally around 147000 on my first draft, with still more to go. Far too long I know, but as I scribble and type, the ideas are fully forming in front of me on the page, and I can always edit later. I feel in some ways that I’ve begun my story again without realising, as I keep building on my ideas and I can see it all there. There will be a lot of editing whenever I do get to the end, I know that and I’m prepared for it. My only worry if you like is when do you stop? That’s what I’m struggling with and when I can feel most lost, like I will never get there. But I try to keep having faith and moving forwards. It’s all I can do.

August 2018- Ready, Steady and….

Two weeks away and a much needed break, but bar a few scribbles, no real writing done. And that’s probably what I expected to be honest, how ever good the intentions are. But then its just so much harder to pick the work in progress back up again, especially when I was struggling a bit before I went away. I was beginning to doubt my capabilities and whether I would ever get this draft finished. I’ve been working on this story for so long and I still want it to be told, but that is not necessarily communicating to the page. But I also don’t want to give up or put it away for the fear that I will never finish it otherwise. It’s a vicious circle that I keep getting myself into. The motivation is there (most of the time) to want to write but the words are not presenting themselves. But each day can only improve right? In order to get myself going, I worked on some column ideas and this blog and ended up with quite a few scribbled ideas and things to work on for my novel before bed so not a bad end to the day when I struggled to even start. I just need to take each day as it comes and stop piling on the pressure.

And it has worked!! For how long, as usual, remains to be seen, but it’s a good start at least. I gave myself some thinking time, to get my head in the right place, and by doing that as well as reading back over what I’d already written, it gave me the boost I needed and most days since I’ve managed a good chunk of writing, whether that be continuing from where I left off the day before or starting another new section, I have been moving forwards. It has also given me the chance to rediscover some of my characters as I try and bring them more to life and weave in their stories. I certainly have lots of points to be working on! And I’ve done some typing too, trying to catch myself up a bit, although still a notebook to go! But that too has been beneficial as it sparked lots of unexpected scribbles as well as more before the end of the day, so a huge positive!

Unscrambling my jumbled thoughts and ideas, a hard task at the best of times but this time  the results were positive for  my novel as well as  clearing my mind a little, too many ideas to hold in one place, that can come at any time. Some, I have no idea where they will go, and may be just a sentence or paragraph, but don’t want to lose anything as you never know when you may need it. And as before, it realy helped. I was able to continue working on my novel, building on ideas that I’d already started thinking about as well as building the story to link with what I’d already done, filling some of the gaps as I go. I had one particular week this month where I was writing something new each day and I’m excited to see where the words take me. But just as valuable is that thinking time, when I sometimes feel I haven’t achieved much, although it may not be words on the page, I’m stil trying to see my story in my head. And that goes for research too. I have a whole document of things that I want to look into in more detail so that I can ensure everything is right, and I will come back to that at some point, but sometimes you need to do just a little bit of digging to get the words out. During my thinking time, I’ve also noted why it is that I want to tell this story and the particular things such as events that inspired me, as well as my structure and the gaps I still have to fill, all useful in their own way, and something to refer back to when I’m having not such a good day. On those days, I may write something and hate it, but I have to remind myself that a little something is better than nothing even if I’m stuck for  words and struggling with trying to get across what it is I want to say. And looking back over my log for the month, I can see that I’ve had a more productive few weeks than I did in July, with more of a routine back in place and feeling better with what I’ve achieved.

It’s funny but I can’t pinpoint the moment that I wanted to write. I’ve always loved reading, but it was only a few years ago that I started really thinking about writing. My twin sister is a writer too and she started long before me. I was almost jealous of what she could do. And so I copied her. I wanted to experience what she had. I don’t think that’s the real reason I started though, not really, that just sounds selfish, childish almost. But perhaps I just needed her to show me what it was about and for that I’ll always be grateful. For now I couldn’t imagine my life without writing. Sounds a bit soppy, over-dramatic if you like, especially when my first novel, the first full draft is still not finished. But I’ve learnt so much about myself since I began to write and I hope that journey can only continue. WHY?? Do I write, or do this blog? Maybe it’s the wrong questions, maybe I should be asking am I happy? And the answer would be yes (most of the time). I write because I have to, I want to share my stories, even if I do get a little frustrated sometimes. And as for this blog, its my way of telling myself my journey and that its okay. On the days where I’m struggling with what I want to say, or how I want to say it, or after a few days off, I can get frustrated, but there is always tomorrow.

Something I’ve learnt about myself recently is that I seem to becoming more of a coffee shop writer, using the world around me to inspire thoughts and spur me on. It wasn’t always the case, I thought I worked better with quiet, but more so now I feel that I write more, better with some background noise and the feeling of others around me, although as long as it is not too noisy or distracting! Natural light is good too, if I can get a window seat. Funny really that even now, I’m still learning and winding what works best for me. And I can honestly say that having too much time doesn’t, not at the moment anyway!

So as I near the end of another notebook and still have so much I want and need to say, discovering my other characters a little more and building my second main character around my first, I feel that I’m finally beginning to see this novel as a whole. But I do worry that it is never going to end. Ten notebooks full of scribbles, ideas, notes, and I can only continue to write more as I seek out number 11 and the excitement of a fresh new page beckons, of continuing my story. But maybe I’m just worrying too much. Maybe most writers just have a couple of notebooks per novel, of notes and plans, and the rest is discovered as they type. But my way works for me right now, and I still have so much to learn. Besides that’s what editing is for right, scaling down? And I will get there!

‘You’re not lost, you’re just finding your own way.’

July 2018- Feeling Stuck...

The first day in a while that I found the time and space to write and I was scared. It was exactly as I’d hoped it wouldn’t be, a struggle. Trying to carry on from where I left off, and sitting in the sunshine , all good apart from except the inability to put anything apart from a few sentences to paper. Have I left it too long? Will my story come back to me? I really hope so. And despite writing more than I expected that day, that feeling that it’s rubbish doesn’t leave, making it all feel like a waste of time. I’m sure its not and I will feel differently when I’m in a better frame of mind and re-read it. The frustrations of writing! I wonder if they ever leave you, probably not. I know what I need to be working on but I’ve been struggling a bit to write, my head is too jumbled and full, and I’m hoping that a holiday will give e the chance I need to revitalise both my writing and refocus at work, but we shall see. ( As I write this, I’m a few days late and already back from hols, but will save an update until the end of August…)

Although it feels like I’ve been writing this story for a long time, it’s only now that I’m starting to feel it all weaving together and be the story that I want to tell. Okay, so it’s changed a lot since I began those few years ago, but its only now that’s it’s starting to make sense, to fit, and I’m excited to bring it all together. I can’t pinpoint when it shifted as such, but maybe the ever so slightly small step back recently was a good thing. We shall see!

Looking back on my log, its comforting to see that, as always, I’ve actually achieved more than I think, and it does make the darker days a little easier to bear, as long as I keep reminding myself of the fact. And actually I’ve managed to scribble quite a reasonable amount, building my characters stories and learning more about them as I put pen to paper. And I’ve managed some typing too, so each time things are moving forwards. Thinking time counts too, the chance to really immerse yourself in your characters, setting and the stories that surround them. I don’t know what the holiday will bring, maybe the odd scribble. But I’m not expecting much, I’m going on holiday at the end of the day. But it will be an opportunity to relax and think, read and then see what happens. 

And there have been other bits of writing done too. Scribbles for other story ideas. My mind becomes a jumble of ideas, inspired by the people around me as I try to write. It’s certainly interesting when these ideas and thoughts pop up just from people you look at or something you hear. And who knows where those thoughts will take me, I look forward to finding out at some point! And columns still need to be written, so other ideas need to be explored, and submitted. That’s the thing. I may get annoyed and frustrated when my work in progress isn’t going the way I want it to or at all in some cases. But all writing is good and useful, whatever it may be.

‘Writing is about claiming ownership of yourself in order to become the person you know you can be...A novel is making your mark on the world’

June 2018- Ups and Downs

Why? That’s the question I ask myself each month when I sit down to write this blog. Why I feel the need to jot things down and share them with anyone who wants read it. I still can’t really answer that question. I suppose I just find it a place to see and think, to record my rambling thoughts, documenting my journey. It’s important to me, if no one else, even if I sometimes have to push myself to do it. And anyway, why does anyone blog for that matter?

So to this month, and as my title suggests, it’s certainly been up and down. As much as I keep telling myself that there’s always tomorrow, I can’t help getting upset and frustrated when nothing comes or what does, I don’t like. It’s so frustrating. I used to think it was worse if I was having a bad day generally, that’s what makes it worse. A glorious day where I can take advantage of the sunshine, work is good that day and yet the empty page stares back at me. Is it better to force it and hate what you’ve done? I don’t know.. I can work well under pressure at work, why can’t I do the same be said for my writing? Am I set to fail even before I’ve begun? I sincerely hope not. Work has been very busy these last few weeks and I have missed some writing opportunities because of this. But it’s what pays the bills and I have still been trying to write just a few scribbles each day. The hardest part can be getting my head in the zone, and this has been a struggle recently. I just hope that the time away from doing something substantial isn’t a bad thing, and I can find that motivation I so need once again, but time will tell.

And just the smallest thing can pick you up. Sunshine in a café and a good chunk of new writing done, or an hour of typing. It makes me feel happier. Like I said work is busy, which I’m not complaining about as I like it that way, but headspace can sometimes be a little small or stretched. So its good to defy that, even just a little and for the odd day. And actually, looking back at my log I’ve done more than I thought. It’s so easy to forget. Lots of scribbles have been recorded for my novel, a column idea noted down, as well s some new story ideas that I can come back to when the time is right. And research too, with notes made, mostly before bed, but when is a good time?? Over  3600 words have been typed, and whilst that may not be as much as I have achieved in previous months, it has meant that I’m now on the last (but one) notebook, and I’ve only just started the new one, so getting there! Plus thinking time can be extremely valuable, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. So all in all, not to be sniffed at. Deeds not Words. Strong and inspiring words from inspiring women and for an important cause. But it can be put into practice for whatever you believe or stand for. Only you have the power to change what you want, by doing. And so that’s what I will continue to do.

A thought occurred to me the other day, and I feel the need to share it. I write, simply, about love. Finding love. I think it’s a theme running through all my story ideas, when you get down to the bones. And yet I haven’t  experienced it for myself, not really. And so can you write with the depth that a story needs if you don’t know? Despite what you may think, I believe that we all put a bit of ourselves into our words and how can we not? Our hopes and dreams, how we would like our lives to be. That’s what research is for isn’t it? We can’t possibly have experienced everything we put to paper. Don’t we all hope that our dreams will come true one day?  With that in mind, I will pick up my notebook as and when I am able, and see what happens. I have new books that I’m reading, and being set in Cornwall, can only help put me back to where I need to be, so thank you Miranda Dickinson and Ali McNamara, for all the inspiration!

‘Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.’ George Bernard Shaw

                                              

                                                                 'Inspiring me on....

May 2018- Building Blocks

A different kind of month than the last as most of it has been spent coming back to the task of actual writing. I’m finally nearly up to date on my typing, now on my current notebook in terms of where I’ve got to. But then the weather has been mostly beautiful, and not wanting to waste the sunshine, I have instead spent the time sitting outside, or as close to it as I can get and gone back to the pencil. Although I already had notes for parts I wanted to work on as well as some started scribbles, at first it was not as easy as I would have hoped or expected.  It’s been a little while since I really wrote anything new, a chunk of writing at least. So I suppose it wasn’t going to be like I’d just stopped and carried on again. These things come when you’re not planning them to, it just makes the set aside time that I make for writing more pressured. And at the start of the month, I was hopeful that it was just a little hump to get over before I’d be back in full swing.

And I was right! Nice to be able to say that just a couple of weeks later. There really is nothing better than putting pen (or pencil) to paper and just watching it flow, and that it has.  I’m enjoying writing again and beginning to feel the gaps. So I’m sure the end is nearer than I think but I will only really know that when the jumble is laid out before and I begin to sort through. I keep telling myself there is always tomorrow, I have no deadline, only the one I’ve set myself. Write off today and start again tomorrow. I try to keep telling myself that too, particularly on the bad days, and not just with writing, but work too. I often feel stuck with writing or more distracted if I’m having an off day, it’s all relative.

But I’m happy to say that thankfully those days haven’t been many. I’ve managed to type up another 5301 words and whilst that seems very little in comparison to what I have been doing recently, I’ve achieved a decent amount of actual writing this month instead as I build my story more. And it’s been lovely putting pen to paper once again. And its not just been my novel, as new ideas have been forming and scribbled down for working on in the future. It’s certainly been interesting as I never quite know where the inspiration will come from, and sometimes it can be the most unlikely things, and not when I expect it.  But whilst I’m careful not to get too carried away and lose sight of the WIP, I feel its good to have new ideas and projects in the back of my mind, scribbled in a notebook. It keeps my mind somehow fresher. I look forward to exploring them and delving deeper when I can. And there are always columns to write too, so I can’t say I’m not occupied!

And just a thought or two to end on. The lost art of writing by hand. It’s how I work and I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I sometimes feel like I’m a bit old fashioned in my methods- writing longhand and then typing. Some would say I’m wasting my time probably. But I like the feeling of a pencil in my hand. I have a purpose. And each writer is different, all with the same end goal, to tell their story. Does it really matter how they get there, or how long it takes? I don’t think so. And anyway, I like the smell of a new notebook, its much like that of a brand new book, a scent that I never tire of! And so back to it, to carry on building….

April 2018- Finding the love again…

I can’t believe where this year is going, and yet another positive month to add to it! It’s such a good feeling to be able to say that once more.

It has been a month of more typing, and I’m nearing the end of notebook eight, with only the current one left to work on. And it continues to be a learning curve for me as I write up the parts I’d already forgotten about and see where the gaps are. And the most positive part for me is that I’m falling back in love with my story again, losing myself in my own hand written words each time I type them up or scribble some new thoughts, or even type some new parts within the old. And that’s such a great feeling, I can’t tell you how much it means to me, after all the moments of doubt. I can see where work needs to be done and I can’t wait to get started on it. I have this novel in me and I will finish it!! Wow, feels amazing to say that!!

I’m finding that I write better when I give myself a limited time each day, there are much less distractions. Although I say I would love to write full time and one day that might ring true, I have found a way now that currently works for me. Okay so it may feel easier at the moment as I’m typing, the minute I sit down I can carry on from where I left off, but my mind is still working, thinking, planning. And so I hope this continues when I’m ready to move to the next stage, and it won’t be much longer now.  But by giving myself that time, and only that time most days, I feel that I am at least achieving something amidst the jumble of everything else. And so I’m making the most of my writing time, protecting it. That hour a day is much more focused as I limit myself to that time to write, I achieve so much more!

‘Until you put words on the page a novel is a marvellous thing that moves with your thoughts & becomes great. Then you begin to write & words don’t capture the brilliance you imagined but you struggle on hoping it will at least be decent’ Liz Fenwick

‘A crappy first draft is worth more than a non-existent one’

Quotes from twitter that have really struck a chord with me, inspired me. It’s so important to take inspiration from others, and use it to help my own journey. Despite my positive comments, I have still had the odd moment over the last few weeks of self-doubt and its other’s words that can have that uplifting feeling that is so much needed. And after a week off whilst I was on holiday, it was so good to be back to writing again, like finding an old friend, another lovely feeling. And despite that week off, I’m happy to say that another 14,893 words have been typed up this month, and I’m over the 120,000 mark overall, so another milestone. I know once it is all typed up I will have too many words, but that’s the whole point of editing right? And I can honestly say now that I’m looking forward to that next stage, to finally put my story together. I’m finally moving forwards. (Oh and by the way, that word count doesn’t include the extra scribbles that I’ve been doing, so even bigger yay!)

Whilst the support from tweets, articles, posts online have been important, I still feel the need to try and find another writing group. Not necessarily something I physically go to, but hopefully something online, that will have a wider reach and find others at a similar point to me in their writing journey, wanting the same from the group. I have found that I’m writing better, maybe more now that I’m not going to my local group, and it was good to begin with, don’t get me wrong, but I just wasn’t getting what I needed anymore. And I know I have some good support in my friends, I do miss the advice, sharing of thoughts, the like-minded people.  I hope I find the right type of support for me. ‘Writing is a lonely business  and we all need a little help.’

‘Don’t wait until you’ve reached your goal to be proud of yourself . Be proud of every step you take toward reaching that goal.’