Reading, crafting, walking, singing. These are all the things that I’ve
been doing instead of writing. Are they worthwhile or just another way of
avoiding the issue? I would argue that they are important, to me. To my
wellbeing and state of mind overall. I just need to include writing in that mix
too, and learn to use my time to fit in all that I want to do, and not feel
guilty.
Towards the start of the month and probably up until at least halfway
through, I could count on one hand the number of occasions that I’d written
anything. So why am I even documenting this? Because its all a part of the
process. Okay so I may not have done what I thought I would have done by now,
but the important thing is that I will. I haven’t given up. I still have a
story to tell. I just need to get it completely clear in my head what that is,
and I know I may have got a little lost along the way, but I’m determined to
get there. Has the break done me any good? I suppose only time will tell.
Currently the fear is resurfacing at what to do next, where I even begin. Small
steps. I know one thing at least, from the books that I’ve been reading for
this literary prize long list, that I know I still want to write my story. And I’m
much more critical as reader, because I write. Its not about being better, I’m
not that conceited, but more about writing the book I want to read, and having
the belief in myself to do that. So you could say that I was still inspired,
just in a different, unexpected way.
And so, once all the books had been read and reviews submitted, I could
no longer use them as an excuse. For the first time in weeks, I picked up my
pencil and opened my notebook for my novel. Beginning by writing up some notes
I’d previously made on my phone, but it got me back into thinking about my
story and building on those scribbled ideas. It was a nice feeling. And as the
month draws to a close, that has continued, both from research notes and sections
inspired by a variety of things, something in front of me, or an overheard
sentence. It just feels good to finally be working on it again. I’m still not
100% sure where I’m going and I have the task of getting down to the nitty
gritty, but it’s a start, a small step in the right direction at least. And I’m
not putting the inevitable off either, but asking for help in order to get me to where I need to be, from those that have already been there. And this has been invaluable, a
book recommendation and a few pointers might not seem like a lot, but for me,
they will be the difference in getting this book written, and I’m finally
excited to get things sorted. And from this, I know, moving forwards, not what
to do with all the other ideas I have, just waiting in the wings. I’m not ready
to give up yet.
It’s a mind-set. I’m the same at work. I get stuck, fed up and then
negative, unmotivated and distracted. Then I achieve nothing. I need to work on,
and am beginning to, shifting my mind-set, starting the day in a better way, in
a more positive frame in order to assess where I am and what I need to do, or
be doing. Breaking down the goals to more manageable steps that then feel more achievable.
I need to do the same in my writing. Instead of looking at it as a big mess
that I can’t wade through, break it down into smaller chunks, thinking about it
all first, getting down the bare bones without even looking at the larger
document. Only then will I be able to look at it again and see where it fits.
And I’m trying to do this now, getting into a writers mind-set. I’ve been
scribbling other ideas down, and whilst they may not come to anything, or even be my writing
style, there is sometimes a need to just get the words out, whatever they may
be. Even if you never look at what you’ve written again, its all part of the
process, of ordering the mind. And with these scribbles, another column done and
work on-going with my novel, the last
two weeks have turned out much better than I had expected. I’m looking forward
to seeing what comes next.
So, no more excuses….
‘Your words have worth and your ideas matter. Be kind to yourself and
believe in the stories you’re telling’ Miranda Dickinson
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