December 2018- Not Giving Up

And I’m not giving up, despite my last woeful post. I’m just trying to gain some perspective. Taking time out to refocus on the task ahead of me and how best to tackle it. And to help me do that, I’ve been reading some writing books and other novels to gain insight and spark that love for my story again. There was a need for a different type of motivation to help me get to where I need to be and overcome my fear. I can’t and I won’t give up, I’ve worked too long on this and invested so much and the the most important point of all, I still want to tell this story. And so the last few weeks I’ve given myself the time to think and really see my story, making notes of how I will outline, all without looking at the large saved document that is my WIP, which is just too confusing too look at, the pressure too much. Once I have a completely clear idea in my head and noted down, only then will I look back at my first draft and begin to see what fits and where and what still needs to be done. So I’m taking a small step back until it all becomes clearer to me, it is the only way I can then be able to move forwards again.

I received two writing books for Christmas from my ever thoughtful and understanding sister, she knows me so well, and they are much needed right now as I pick up from where I left off before the festive break and attempt to start the new year as I mean to go on, in a better place. As I read either, fiction or indeed non-fiction, I’m thinking and seeing how I need my writing and story to go, slowly moving forwards and feeling much better about things. Notes and scribbled thoughts as I go, all helping me along the way.  To some, it might seem a convoluted route to the end, but I really feel that it’s lifting me out of the hole that I put myself in, so that can only be a good thing as far as I’m concerned, and we all have our own funny little ways of dealing with situations. I’ve done things all the wrong way round with this novel, but I’ve learnt my lesson, albeit the hard way, but I know now what to do for the next time. And I have so many other ideas just waiting to be explored, that I’m planning on there being a next time, but I have to finish this one first. I’ve looked back on my year and what I’ve achieved and I can’t complain, even if I feel like I’m repeating myself a little, so my main goal for 2018 was to finish my first draft, and I may not have achieved that just yet, but it was a big ask. But I am closer, I know and feel that. I’ve come a long way in some respects, but there is still a way to go and I’m determined to get there.

As I submitted my final column of 2018 (actually being published on 1 Jan 2019, ironically!) I did wonder if the time had come to finish contributing, wondering if I had any more to say after 4 years and around 40 submissions. But then I thought about it more. It  is a way of me having an opinion, of others reading what I have to say. And although it’s unpaid, all writers have to start somewhere. So with that in mind, I’ve decided to try and list 12 different ideas that I could write about and submit as and when it is relevant. Not only would that take the pressure off a little (with only two regular contributors, I submit nearly every month) but I’m hoping it will highlight, mainly to myself, that I do still have something to say. I’m also planning a story story for a competition that closes in February, which not only is a way of exploring other ideas, but I hope will be a way of helping me to bring back my love of writing. Plus this blog too, a good way of ordering my jumbled thoughts and worries. So with all that in mind, I’m making a promise to myself as  I plan to start the new year with fresh eyes and being able to see a way forward with my writing.

November 2018- Drowning

I’m crying as I write this, just feeling so overwhelmed by it all.  It’s not a good place to be and yet I keep ending up here, hating my writing, the world. everything. And once I’m in that mind-set, I find it extremely hard to get out of.  Everything is a negative thought, hard to pinpoint even one small happy thing amongst it all. Today was not a good day, with anything. I got scared and ran away, the fear got too much and I didn’t even want to try .The smallest of things was just too difficult to do, to concentrate on and I gave up. I’m good at doing that. I can’t get my head around something, become impatient when I feel I can’t do it and instead of trying to keep going, I stop and bury my head in the sand. There have been small glimmers this month, but they are forgotten for a moment as I dwell on the place I’m in now. And maybe that’s a good thing in a way? I’m using words to try and explain my emotions, in the hope that it might make me feel better and take me to a happier place. Anything is better than this.

It sounds so over dramatic I know. So what if you can’t do it, just do something else, who cares? You become your own worst enemy. But I do care and that is why I feel like this.  I’ve reached a point recently where I’m beginning to wonder why I’m even trying to write this novel. It’s just too big a challenge, I can’t overcome it and I’m not sure why I even bother. It’s all taking too long and because I didn’t get things right at the start, I’ve only made it worse for myself.

As I started to read through my first and very messy draft, it became glaringly obvious. It was a daunting and mammoth task, of my own doing, and I realised that I had an awful lot of words that won’t become the final story. Was it just a huge waste of time, all that toiling and scribbling? I’m beginning to wonder. It was hard to stomach as I scanned over the first 100 or so pages of type face knowing deep down that most of it won’t be used and wondering where my story really begins. It’s a huge learning curve and I’m firmly stuck at the bottom, not able to get out, drowning in what I thought I wanted to say.

All novels manifest themselves as you work on them, I get that and I can see that’s what’s happened the longer that this story has taken. It’s evolved so much since I began that I don’t recognise some of it. Even as I read over and attempt to jot down events and where I see them now, a good thing, I still doubt myself and that I will ever finish it. But if I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t get so upset. I know what I need to do, it’s finding the courage to do it.  And that’s the part I’m struggling with. I feel I’m not good enough, as I follow my peers and see them doing well, and I’m cheering them on, but also jealous as I feel left behind. It’s one of my worst character traits, my impatience and that of constantly comparing myself to others. It’s a vicious circle that is a constant struggle to try and break out of.

There are small windows where I have a good day, some weeks, months are better than others. For me, this has not been one of my best. Okay so I’ve finally caught up with myself, but it only leaves me with more words to wade through, and a frustration that I haven’t put pen to paper for a while, not really. Does that count as writing? I keep telling myself that it does, that as I type I’m thinking, discovering new words as I build on scenes, ones that maybe I had forgotten about. And it is a good feeling, as the story unfurls at my fingertips, not from the pen, as it’s not a way of writing that I am used to. There have been scribbles, ideas and longer parts too, but then I have realised as I work on a scene that the way it is written doesn’t work for my story, is not my voice. I’m getting carried away with something that is not me, not what I want to write. But at least I have realised that, and am trying to put it right.

I’m constantly inspired by other writers, in different ways. A tweet that has so few characters but yet says so much, or an article that tells me I’m not alone. I just need to keep those moments of clarity from when I read or hear those words and bring them to mind for times such as these. I’ve been lucky enough to attend two literary events in the last couple of weeks, in fact two consecutive days. Both were very different writers, both inspiring me in different ways.  But one thing that stands out from all of the writers that I’ve met, chatted to or just followed online, is that they didn’t give up, even when things were bleak. So I may be in a bad place creatively at the moment, but hopefully if I just keep showing up, I’ll come out the other side. Slow progress is better than no progress after all.

October 2018- Tried and Tested..

First day of the month and I wanted to start as I meant to go on, as I usually do. To be met with… not a lot. At first I got frustrated, stared out of the window, messed about on social media. But that only made me feel worse. So I gave up on what I was trying to do, the part I was attempting to work on and tried something else. And do you know what, it worked. Words appeared on paper and  I was lost in my story for a short while. I proved to myself that even on a bad day, there can be a way to turn it around. I just need to tell my head that. It doesn’t always work, but I sure am grateful when it does.

I’m the boss of my ambition, me. I’m the only one who can change my mind set, get those words on the page. This story won’t get told if I don’t take the opportunity to tell it. Thankfully the rest of the month hasn’t been a repeat of day one. Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve managed to type up another 17,083 words and  am finally catching up with myself as I reach my current notebook. The feeling to have that many words (currently standing at around the 168,000 mark) in one place and know that there are more to come is both immense and scary. When I first started writing this story I hadn’t really considered, not seriously, where it would take me and how much I would learn both about myself and my writing. And although I know it’s going to be a mammoth task, I’m looking forward  to piecing everything together. It’s a job I should have done at the start, a long time ago, but I at least know that for next time! I have the planning notebook ready so I just need the work as it is, a good pen and some post its and I can make a start. There will still be more to do, I know that already, but I need to see it in full before I can do any more, or either I will get lost or this story will never end! So that will definitely be my next job (I know I’ve said it before, but I’m more determined this time). Planning, what needs working on and just how I’m going to sort all my rambled mess into something resembling coherence.

As I said before, my lunch break is my dedicated time to write but more  often than not I’m finding it’s just not long enough. I feel  like I’m just getting started and  then have to stop again, go back to the office when I could happily spend the rest of the afternoon in that spot building my story and adding more words to the page. But as I focus back on work, the rush of inspiration has gone, so by the time I get home, the words are no longer there. It’s not always the case, but most of the time it happens that way. It can be quite frustrating, but I need to accept the time I have and just do the best I can. Life does and will get in the way! I’m escaping into my world as I scribble or type. I am there, at the kitchen table, on the beach, seeing everything and hearing as my characters do. It’s a special feeling when it happens and one I’d very much like to hang on to for as long as I can.

There are always new columns to write and currently I also have a short story that I’m think about for a competition, plus the weekly QuickFic prompts have made a comeback on a Friday which has been fun to take part in. It’s about keeping things fresh and the chance to explore other ideas, which is never a bad thing, just as long as it’s not at the expense of the work in progress and I’m very conscious of that, of not forgetting that it is always there until that elusive ‘first’ draft is done at least.

On a slightly different note, I’m hoping to arrange a writing weekend with some fellow writers from the retreat that I took part in last year (can’t believe it’s been that long already!) It will be an ideal chance to be around like minded people and share ideas and thoughts, as well as having the specific space to actually write when nothing else is distracting me. I have my sister of course, and would be lost without her support, but it’s always nice to carve out a longer chunk of time with others and see things differently, outside of your own little bubble. It will be lovely, so I just hope we can get something in the diary!

And so as the month draws to a close, I’m feeling happy as new words appear on the page.  There hasn’t been much of that recently as the focus has been on catching up, but the few times I have decided to put pen to paper have been fruitful and it feels especially good when it happens outside of my planned time as it did just yesterday. It just goes to show that you have to go with it when you can before your mind explodes with all the thoughts whirring round inside. Not a bad place to be in right now.

September 2018- New Term, new words

Sometimes I wonder if I've run out of things to say here, but as I type I find things come to mind and I always seem to end up with a good amount of words. And I suppose as my journey is still far from over, there will always be something to tell, to share.

And so it is with my writing generally. I started the month as I meant to go on, typing up my novel in an attempt to catch up with myself. And a worthwhile task too in that rereading parts that I’d somehow forgotten about and liking what I’ve done which in itself was a good confidence boost, as well as making sure I didn’t re write parts I’ve already done! Lunch breaks during the week are my allocated time to dedicate to my writing and I stick to this as much as I can. But I’ve also been trying to find time at the weekends too to write, as it often gets left, or at the bottom of a long list of jobs. But I’m trying very hard not to beat myself up when it doesn’t happen, sometimes the time runs away, the other jobs mount up, just life really.

But saying that, it has been a good month overall. I pick up my pencil and continue writing from where I’ve left off, whilst thinking of new ideas, parts to work on as I do so. Another notebook finished and as much as I want to keep scribbling, I know I have to focus on typing for a number of weeks in a bid to see where I am and not get lost in it all. There is a limit to how many notebooks I can carry too on a daily basis, three seems a little excessive! And I’m glad that I kept to my little goal, the notebook is finished and I’ve made a start on the one previous to the one that I’m currently writing in, so it’s still a work in progress!

The latest word count (typed)is 14475 for the month, totally around 147000 on my first draft, with still more to go. Far too long I know, but as I scribble and type, the ideas are fully forming in front of me on the page, and I can always edit later. I feel in some ways that I’ve begun my story again without realising, as I keep building on my ideas and I can see it all there. There will be a lot of editing whenever I do get to the end, I know that and I’m prepared for it. My only worry if you like is when do you stop? That’s what I’m struggling with and when I can feel most lost, like I will never get there. But I try to keep having faith and moving forwards. It’s all I can do.

August 2018- Ready, Steady and….

Two weeks away and a much needed break, but bar a few scribbles, no real writing done. And that’s probably what I expected to be honest, how ever good the intentions are. But then its just so much harder to pick the work in progress back up again, especially when I was struggling a bit before I went away. I was beginning to doubt my capabilities and whether I would ever get this draft finished. I’ve been working on this story for so long and I still want it to be told, but that is not necessarily communicating to the page. But I also don’t want to give up or put it away for the fear that I will never finish it otherwise. It’s a vicious circle that I keep getting myself into. The motivation is there (most of the time) to want to write but the words are not presenting themselves. But each day can only improve right? In order to get myself going, I worked on some column ideas and this blog and ended up with quite a few scribbled ideas and things to work on for my novel before bed so not a bad end to the day when I struggled to even start. I just need to take each day as it comes and stop piling on the pressure.

And it has worked!! For how long, as usual, remains to be seen, but it’s a good start at least. I gave myself some thinking time, to get my head in the right place, and by doing that as well as reading back over what I’d already written, it gave me the boost I needed and most days since I’ve managed a good chunk of writing, whether that be continuing from where I left off the day before or starting another new section, I have been moving forwards. It has also given me the chance to rediscover some of my characters as I try and bring them more to life and weave in their stories. I certainly have lots of points to be working on! And I’ve done some typing too, trying to catch myself up a bit, although still a notebook to go! But that too has been beneficial as it sparked lots of unexpected scribbles as well as more before the end of the day, so a huge positive!

Unscrambling my jumbled thoughts and ideas, a hard task at the best of times but this time  the results were positive for  my novel as well as  clearing my mind a little, too many ideas to hold in one place, that can come at any time. Some, I have no idea where they will go, and may be just a sentence or paragraph, but don’t want to lose anything as you never know when you may need it. And as before, it realy helped. I was able to continue working on my novel, building on ideas that I’d already started thinking about as well as building the story to link with what I’d already done, filling some of the gaps as I go. I had one particular week this month where I was writing something new each day and I’m excited to see where the words take me. But just as valuable is that thinking time, when I sometimes feel I haven’t achieved much, although it may not be words on the page, I’m stil trying to see my story in my head. And that goes for research too. I have a whole document of things that I want to look into in more detail so that I can ensure everything is right, and I will come back to that at some point, but sometimes you need to do just a little bit of digging to get the words out. During my thinking time, I’ve also noted why it is that I want to tell this story and the particular things such as events that inspired me, as well as my structure and the gaps I still have to fill, all useful in their own way, and something to refer back to when I’m having not such a good day. On those days, I may write something and hate it, but I have to remind myself that a little something is better than nothing even if I’m stuck for  words and struggling with trying to get across what it is I want to say. And looking back over my log for the month, I can see that I’ve had a more productive few weeks than I did in July, with more of a routine back in place and feeling better with what I’ve achieved.

It’s funny but I can’t pinpoint the moment that I wanted to write. I’ve always loved reading, but it was only a few years ago that I started really thinking about writing. My twin sister is a writer too and she started long before me. I was almost jealous of what she could do. And so I copied her. I wanted to experience what she had. I don’t think that’s the real reason I started though, not really, that just sounds selfish, childish almost. But perhaps I just needed her to show me what it was about and for that I’ll always be grateful. For now I couldn’t imagine my life without writing. Sounds a bit soppy, over-dramatic if you like, especially when my first novel, the first full draft is still not finished. But I’ve learnt so much about myself since I began to write and I hope that journey can only continue. WHY?? Do I write, or do this blog? Maybe it’s the wrong questions, maybe I should be asking am I happy? And the answer would be yes (most of the time). I write because I have to, I want to share my stories, even if I do get a little frustrated sometimes. And as for this blog, its my way of telling myself my journey and that its okay. On the days where I’m struggling with what I want to say, or how I want to say it, or after a few days off, I can get frustrated, but there is always tomorrow.

Something I’ve learnt about myself recently is that I seem to becoming more of a coffee shop writer, using the world around me to inspire thoughts and spur me on. It wasn’t always the case, I thought I worked better with quiet, but more so now I feel that I write more, better with some background noise and the feeling of others around me, although as long as it is not too noisy or distracting! Natural light is good too, if I can get a window seat. Funny really that even now, I’m still learning and winding what works best for me. And I can honestly say that having too much time doesn’t, not at the moment anyway!

So as I near the end of another notebook and still have so much I want and need to say, discovering my other characters a little more and building my second main character around my first, I feel that I’m finally beginning to see this novel as a whole. But I do worry that it is never going to end. Ten notebooks full of scribbles, ideas, notes, and I can only continue to write more as I seek out number 11 and the excitement of a fresh new page beckons, of continuing my story. But maybe I’m just worrying too much. Maybe most writers just have a couple of notebooks per novel, of notes and plans, and the rest is discovered as they type. But my way works for me right now, and I still have so much to learn. Besides that’s what editing is for right, scaling down? And I will get there!

‘You’re not lost, you’re just finding your own way.’

July 2018- Feeling Stuck...

The first day in a while that I found the time and space to write and I was scared. It was exactly as I’d hoped it wouldn’t be, a struggle. Trying to carry on from where I left off, and sitting in the sunshine , all good apart from except the inability to put anything apart from a few sentences to paper. Have I left it too long? Will my story come back to me? I really hope so. And despite writing more than I expected that day, that feeling that it’s rubbish doesn’t leave, making it all feel like a waste of time. I’m sure its not and I will feel differently when I’m in a better frame of mind and re-read it. The frustrations of writing! I wonder if they ever leave you, probably not. I know what I need to be working on but I’ve been struggling a bit to write, my head is too jumbled and full, and I’m hoping that a holiday will give e the chance I need to revitalise both my writing and refocus at work, but we shall see. ( As I write this, I’m a few days late and already back from hols, but will save an update until the end of August…)

Although it feels like I’ve been writing this story for a long time, it’s only now that I’m starting to feel it all weaving together and be the story that I want to tell. Okay, so it’s changed a lot since I began those few years ago, but its only now that’s it’s starting to make sense, to fit, and I’m excited to bring it all together. I can’t pinpoint when it shifted as such, but maybe the ever so slightly small step back recently was a good thing. We shall see!

Looking back on my log, its comforting to see that, as always, I’ve actually achieved more than I think, and it does make the darker days a little easier to bear, as long as I keep reminding myself of the fact. And actually I’ve managed to scribble quite a reasonable amount, building my characters stories and learning more about them as I put pen to paper. And I’ve managed some typing too, so each time things are moving forwards. Thinking time counts too, the chance to really immerse yourself in your characters, setting and the stories that surround them. I don’t know what the holiday will bring, maybe the odd scribble. But I’m not expecting much, I’m going on holiday at the end of the day. But it will be an opportunity to relax and think, read and then see what happens. 

And there have been other bits of writing done too. Scribbles for other story ideas. My mind becomes a jumble of ideas, inspired by the people around me as I try to write. It’s certainly interesting when these ideas and thoughts pop up just from people you look at or something you hear. And who knows where those thoughts will take me, I look forward to finding out at some point! And columns still need to be written, so other ideas need to be explored, and submitted. That’s the thing. I may get annoyed and frustrated when my work in progress isn’t going the way I want it to or at all in some cases. But all writing is good and useful, whatever it may be.

‘Writing is about claiming ownership of yourself in order to become the person you know you can be...A novel is making your mark on the world’

June 2018- Ups and Downs

Why? That’s the question I ask myself each month when I sit down to write this blog. Why I feel the need to jot things down and share them with anyone who wants read it. I still can’t really answer that question. I suppose I just find it a place to see and think, to record my rambling thoughts, documenting my journey. It’s important to me, if no one else, even if I sometimes have to push myself to do it. And anyway, why does anyone blog for that matter?

So to this month, and as my title suggests, it’s certainly been up and down. As much as I keep telling myself that there’s always tomorrow, I can’t help getting upset and frustrated when nothing comes or what does, I don’t like. It’s so frustrating. I used to think it was worse if I was having a bad day generally, that’s what makes it worse. A glorious day where I can take advantage of the sunshine, work is good that day and yet the empty page stares back at me. Is it better to force it and hate what you’ve done? I don’t know.. I can work well under pressure at work, why can’t I do the same be said for my writing? Am I set to fail even before I’ve begun? I sincerely hope not. Work has been very busy these last few weeks and I have missed some writing opportunities because of this. But it’s what pays the bills and I have still been trying to write just a few scribbles each day. The hardest part can be getting my head in the zone, and this has been a struggle recently. I just hope that the time away from doing something substantial isn’t a bad thing, and I can find that motivation I so need once again, but time will tell.

And just the smallest thing can pick you up. Sunshine in a café and a good chunk of new writing done, or an hour of typing. It makes me feel happier. Like I said work is busy, which I’m not complaining about as I like it that way, but headspace can sometimes be a little small or stretched. So its good to defy that, even just a little and for the odd day. And actually, looking back at my log I’ve done more than I thought. It’s so easy to forget. Lots of scribbles have been recorded for my novel, a column idea noted down, as well s some new story ideas that I can come back to when the time is right. And research too, with notes made, mostly before bed, but when is a good time?? Over  3600 words have been typed, and whilst that may not be as much as I have achieved in previous months, it has meant that I’m now on the last (but one) notebook, and I’ve only just started the new one, so getting there! Plus thinking time can be extremely valuable, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. So all in all, not to be sniffed at. Deeds not Words. Strong and inspiring words from inspiring women and for an important cause. But it can be put into practice for whatever you believe or stand for. Only you have the power to change what you want, by doing. And so that’s what I will continue to do.

A thought occurred to me the other day, and I feel the need to share it. I write, simply, about love. Finding love. I think it’s a theme running through all my story ideas, when you get down to the bones. And yet I haven’t  experienced it for myself, not really. And so can you write with the depth that a story needs if you don’t know? Despite what you may think, I believe that we all put a bit of ourselves into our words and how can we not? Our hopes and dreams, how we would like our lives to be. That’s what research is for isn’t it? We can’t possibly have experienced everything we put to paper. Don’t we all hope that our dreams will come true one day?  With that in mind, I will pick up my notebook as and when I am able, and see what happens. I have new books that I’m reading, and being set in Cornwall, can only help put me back to where I need to be, so thank you Miranda Dickinson and Ali McNamara, for all the inspiration!

‘Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.’ George Bernard Shaw

                                              

                                                                 'Inspiring me on....