January has been a hard month, in a number of ways. Feel like I’m facing
the fears in more way than one. Fear that I’m not good enough, that I can’t do
this anymore. But then a small moment of magic comes and puts the bad stuff
into a corner. I had a light bulb moment
whilst reading a book, a good book but not one I was reading to help me.
It just shows that inspiration really can come from anywhere, when you least expect
it, even when you’re not thinking about your story. And so followed a whole
load of notes and thoughts as I could see, finally, just how my story should
be, how it should be told. And this was right at the start of the month. A
break can be a good thing, but also a struggle. I’ve spent some time working on
some short story ideas which has been good and at least I’m writing something.
But I’m scared that if I get too distracted, I won’t be able to pick up my
novel again, that the story will somehow stall too much for me to carry on, to
do what I need to do. And that really worries me. Maybe it’s not about writing
something new, more that I need to begin looking at my novel again, against my
rough outline, seeing where things go and what I already have.. But finding the
time and motivation, to look at it, when I’ve been staring at a screen all day
at work is a struggle. I need to find a different routine to adopt, one that
works best for me and then sticking to it. It’s all there, waiting, I just need
to let myself in. I need to get over the fear and start to believe in myself
and my story, otherwise no one else will. And sticking to my plan too, instead
of keep changing things too much. Reading other stories has been good but there
is a danger that others ideas will
influence too much on what I’ve already done to the point that I’m feel like I’m
starting all over again and all my work up till now will have been wasted. STOP
and THINK. But not too much. Thinking is why I feel I’m no further forward and
this elusive draft feels like it will never be finished. It’s about getting the
balance right. And slow progress is better than no progress.
‘The key to writing is to write, not to think.’ Finding Forrester.
Working on my short story ideas for the competition has been beneficial,
the feeling of just getting the words on the page and sparking the love of
writing again, the excitement of a new story. It can only be a good thing and
help with my novel in the long run. And I’m not saying that my novel doesn’t
excite me, that I no longer like the story I’m telling, because I do, I just
need to rediscover that feeling. I keep coming up with different story ideas, inspired
by things I’ve seen, how I’m feeling. Only sometimes I end up going in the
wrong direction and I have to stop and bring myself back to who I am, the kind
of writer I want to be. Hiding that piece away in order to be able to focus
properly instead of getting distracted. Words are on the page, so that’s a good
thing and all my work has not been in vain, so something I’m grateful for, but
the words actually written are not me. I have to treat it like an exercise of
exploring and sparking new writing but I have to keep bringing me back each
time to the place I need to be.
At the start of the year, I said to myself that I hoped that 2019 would
be healthier and happier for me. If there was anything to put paid to that, it
was promising myself that. It may still be January, but I can honestly say that
it hasn’t been the best of months, with one thing after the other making me
feel I’m taking a step back each time. I’m still using my lunch breaks to
write, but only after having a walk, trying to build a new routine. And then I
got the flu. And I’ll honestly say that it’s been a struggle to get back into
everything again, the motivation and energy lacking, both physically and
mentally. I’ve been trying to write though, even when I’ve not been 100%, in a
bid that having something else to concentrate than just the yuck feeling
will help, as well as the need to get
back to normal. It’s about knowing my own limits, starting small. I’ve found a
new place in the last couple of days at work where I can sit and write,
surrounded by books and inspiration, and scribbling story ideas and columns in
order to bring me back to where I need to be. Hopefully there will be a little
bit of magic waiting for me at the end, it’s the one thing I’m holding onto.
