I still feel so
lost, despite my excitement and positivity at the start of the month. It
certainly has been quite a up and down kind of a time. I’m feeling the need to
write, but don’t necessarily feel that I always have the capacity and then that
leads onto the self-doubt creeping in, as always. I have very much let work and
general life take over this month, well it certainly feels that way. And then I
just end up being frustrated at my lack of willpower, to be able to see that time
as specific to writing, and finding excuses to do other jobs that need doing.
But isn’t that true for most of us? But I can’t help that way it makes me feel,
when I’ve not been able to do anything, wasting the time that I do have. I’m awake early at the weekends, and some
evenings before bed, they would be better utilised with a paragraph or two, but
that never really seems to happen, like I’m waiting for something to appear and
I can’t even begin to write without it. And I know that’s not right, but
sometimes I just need that little bit of extra magic (and to turn my phone and
internet off!) I got into quite a good routine, writing something each day and
happy that I was doing just that, not putting the pressure on. But then you get
the day after you’ve broken that routine, haven’t written anything for a few
days, and I feel like I’m back at square one as I attempt to start from where I
last stopped and end up getting completely stuck. Today has very much been one
of those days so excuse the rambling of thoughts whilst the feeling of
frustration is still so fresh. I am
completely lost once more with my novel and where it seems (or not) to be
going. I just don’t know what to do next.
‘Don’t feel the
pressure of completing the whole task at once. Take it one step at a time,
whether that means one chapter or one page at a time.’
Extremely sound
advice, and along with other useful points from my fellow writers, something I should very much be listening to at the moment. It's when I put the pressure on,
or waste time that my confidence drops. When I’m just not really thinking, the
words seem to come. So maybe that it part of finding my purpose as a writer.
Just write the first thing that comes into my head, whether that carries on
from where I’ve stopped or not. I find it easy when I’m not thinking too much,
and whilst that may not be good in some ways (going off on a tangent,
forgetting about the outline of my story and its other characters for a bit),
its about getting words on a page, letting that one idea consume me, just for a
bit. It’s amazing how one thought can spark a sentence and then that turns into
a paragraph or a page as I let the idea take hold and see my pencil goes. There
have been quite a few of these over the month, and as I flick back through my
notebook, I can already see there are lots of words there, that the magic is
still bubbling under the surface. I just tend to forget that on a bad day. I
will continue to find ways to reignite my passion for my novel, and I WILL get
there, it may just take me a while. Okay so maybe at the moment I have a large
chunk of words dedicated to my main character, but I’m still trying to tell
myself her story, and the rest will come as an when. And I think I would much
rather write too much, before I begin the mammoth task of editing! I keep
forgetting that the first draft doesn’t have to be perfect, just written, a new
mantra to live by I think! And that thinking time, when I might just be staring
into space, is just as valuable to the whole process as the actual writing, the
looking at notes, maybe a bit of research all contributes to re-finding that
passion for the story that I’m trying to tell, and only then maybe will things
start to look a bit clearer, as I allow the haze to lift.
Just writing this
blog and getting all my thoughts out is helping. I know what I need to do, and
I have a list that I’m always adding too, but at least its there, reminding me,
should I need a push. And I have been
doing some other writing here and there. One column was written and published,
and another has already been scribbled, with a few other ideas on the horizon.
I even managed a poem, which I haven’t written for a long time. In a world
where there are horrors happening when we least expect them, I found writing
helped me to get my thoughts down, to process everything, even if it wasn’t
happening directly to me. I was wondering if I had the mind space to work on
the short story ideas that I had for the competitions. Even though I liked my
initial ideas and wanted to fellow them through, that has yet to happen, as I
didn’t feel that I had enough time for it all. But now I realise that having
maybe something else I could work on, when I’m stuck on the novel could be just
as useful. Not only for keeping the mind whirring, but the physical task of the
words on a page, whatever they may be. It’s about finding my writing mojo again
after I let it disappear for a while. I don’t really want it to go away again.
And that’s another
good reason for writing this blog. I read somewhere that no-one writes or reads
these types of blogs any more, but I can see that my blog, as well as I’m sure
many others, show that this is just not the case. Its been really lovely to see
just how many people read my blog, which has increased in the last few months
(and last month had the highest number of views since I started nearly three
years ago). Whilst the comments have been lovely, and the re-tweets, essentially
it’s not why I do it. We all need an outlet, a support network as writers, and
this is part of mine. I just hope I’m reaching out to other struggling writers,
much as the groups, podcasts etc. that I use do for me.
And so I guess,
with a slightly renewed positivity in myself, its back to the notebook, until
next time!
